dating, older teen dating older man

My 18 year old thinks she's in love with a 30 year old man who's divorced and has 2 young boys. Worse than that, he says he's in love with her too and there's nothing wrong because she's mature beyond her years. She's only ever had 2 boyfriends and that was in intermediate school. She has no experience with love and boys and has always made good choices for herself until now.

Being that she is 18, there's not much you can do to stop her. It's a lesson in life that she will have to learn. I hope she doesn't get hurt too bad.

Now if she was underage, that's a TOTALLY different situation!

I agree with Mollie

This post has been edited by gr33n3y3z on Nov 28 2005, 04:38 AM

Well....Im 25 now, but when I was 19 I dated a guy that was 29....my parents didn't discourage it or anything...they let me make my choice and I figured it out on my own. We had NOTHING really in common. I broke it off after about a year. I think that if you say anything or point out all the bad aspects...that will just send her running to him more. Let her make her own decisions..she is an adult now. Also, be prepared that their relationship might work out..it has been known to happen. It might not be what you want or where you see your daughter...but its not your choice. You need to let her make her choices and chose her experiences.

i agree with teh others, there's really nothing you can do about it as she is of age, I would just suggest that you support he decisions adn if it doesn't work out, be there for her when she's down. Talking form experience here. I was 18 and was dating a guy that was 34. He was a wonderful person and i learned a lot form that time in my life. I had only dated 1 guy before him. My paretns were VERY against it at first, but once tehy got to know him and his son, they adored tehm both. They are still close friends with him, as am I eventhough I am marreid to someone else now. If she is mature beyond her years tehn I imagine she hasa a good head on her shoulders and will make teh best decisions for her life. The only caustion I would give her is falling for the children, not the man. I've been there too and it's not fun. Cause if you decide you want out, there's a littel one your hurting and that's harder to leave. HUG!

I think you've already been given good advice here by other btdt moms. I know that although she's technically an "adult" now, it's hard as a mom to see your child make decisions you don't feel are the best for her. The best you can do for now is to diplomatically share your concerns with her, while simultaneously avoiding overt criticism of her bf. Point out that they are at very different stages in their lives, and while he may be a great guy- he's a dad with a lot of responsibilities that would require her to abandon much of what's great about being 18- should she make a serious commitment to him. Maybe she'll figure that out eventually on her own. In the meantime, let her know you respect her judgment and her choices- even if that isn't entirely true- it will de-escalate the potential for a power struggle and enable her to "hear" what you're really saying. Easier said than done, I know.
Good luck.

I am guessing you dont like the guy?

I agree with the others, while it might be hard for you she need to make her on choises and the best thing you can do is be there for her and not in the I am the parent so I know better but not as her friend either just talk to her like an adult and let her see both sides of things. I was 17 with I met DH he was 23, we have been married for 11 years now

She's in college on partial scholarship but I own her cell phone, car, pay her bills and control her college fund. I've told her I'd take all that away if she didn't break it off and she wouldn't. I offered them a compromise of stepping back until she's older but remaining friends only with occasional phone calls. Have I done the wrong thing?

I think when she comes home on Christmas Break, I'd suggest a party at the house with some of the old high school friends, make sure there are several guys in the mix....and hope she rekindles something with one of the boys more her age!

Yes, I think that threatening her college career is wrong. Sorry, that's my opinion, though.

yes you did wrong
bc you would have never have done that to her if it were not for that guy
to use threats agaist her to get your way was out of line

You had to be told that sorry if i came off rude but you asked if you were wrong

I hope things work out fine and dont let this realationship ruin something good with your daughter

I haven't read all teh responses so sorry if i 've written what someone else has

I very strongly feel that this is the total wrong approach.
For several reasons.
1. She's gonna do what she wants anyway
2. Threatening her college career is selfish on your part, especially if it wasn't stated long before hand that there were certain restrictions on teh college fund.
3. It seriously could hurt your relationship with her for hte rest of your life
4. Controling your children is just that control, and if the walk away you have no control and that car adn cell phone and college $$ won't matter once she's gone
5. What does your paying for everythign have to do with who she dates?
(would you prefer she dated say a 20 year old that you hated~would she still have access to her car, phone and college!)

I would seriously would think about teh message you are sending her... that money can control people and can buy them... since that appears to be what is happening... You provide financial security, a car adn cell phone in exchange for her doing what you want..... hope you get it sorted out soon/

I have to agree with the others that threatening her college career to produce your desired result is not only dangerous, but manipulative as well. I completely understand that you feel disappointed that your dd is disregarding what you consider to be sound advice, but this IS her life now, and you chose to underwrite it before this guy came into the picture. To threaten to pull the rug out from beneath her b/c you don't approve of her choices is not going to get you the desired result: what's best for your dd. To me, NOTHING should stand in the way of a child's access to education- particularly for a woman- it's her ticket to independence for life. If you deliver this ultimatum, and she calls your bluff and it backfires- you will send her right into the arms of the man you are trying to get rid of, only this time, she will become wholly dependent on him without an income or education. What kind of future are you setting her up for?
I understand your frustration- you believe you know what's best for your dd, and often as parents, that's true. But not always. Had I listened to just about everyone that cared about me way back when, I would have broken up with my then boyfriend- who later became my dh- whom I have happily been with for over 25 yrs. My parents were against us, his parents are STILL against us (long, bi-racial story there), and THEY WERE ALL WRONG!
Let your dd live her life- she's a woman now.

ditto to the above....I think it was very childish of you to try to make her chose her education over the person she thinks or may actually love. That would just backfire on you. Not to mention you should be happy with the fact that she is furthering her education..alot of kids don't. What happens if she choses him...then where will you and her be? She probably won't be talking or having you in her life. She can always get a job and get loans for school...and disown you. The fact is..its NOT your life...its hers and she is the person that needs to live it. You have no say in who she dates.

I don't have much else to add except I believe the other moms were right. The path you chose to take could possibly be a destructive one. #1 teens are rebellious and you just drove her even deeper into his arms! I never dated a guy older than me but I had friends who did and when their parents did not approve, they saw them even more, it caused some relationships (between parents and the child) to fizzle and it was not pretty!

I haven't read all teh responses so sorry if i 've written what someone else has

I very strongly feel that this is the total wrong approach.
For several reasons.
1. She's gonna do what she wants anyway
2. Threatening her college career is selfish on your part, especially if it wasn't stated long before hand that there were certain restrictions on teh college fund.
3. It seriously could hurt your relationship with her for hte rest of your life
4. Controling your children is just that control, and if the walk away you have no control and that car adn cell phone and college $$ won't matter once she's gone
5. What does your paying for everythign have to do with who she dates?
(would you prefer she dated say a 20 year old that you hated~would she still have access to her car, phone and college!)

I would seriously would think about teh message you are sending her... that money can control people and can buy them... since that appears to be what is happening... You provide financial security, a car adn cell phone in exchange for her doing what you want..... hope you get it sorted out soon/

Good lord! I agree with all the mothers. That's unusual.

From a guy's perspective; being the 30 year old has to be a real thrill to him right now, but I'm thinking he might be going through an early mid-life crisis himself. Sooner or later I think he'll see that your daughter is much too young for him and that his girlfriend is only a little more mature than his own kids.

As far as using threats to try and force her to break off the relationship goes... Don't do it!!! What the other moms have warned is my prediction as to what will happen as well.

ITA with the others. The more you fight with her, the more she will need someone to lean on and the person she leans on WILL BE HIM! In return all you are doing is forcing them to be closer.

Be there for her. Listen to her and try to understand her. Good luck.

Well, coming from experience, I was 19 when I started dating dh, he was 29, but had no "baggage". We were about on the same maturity level, we had mutual friends, etc. I never expected to be married to him with 2 kids, but 8 years later, we are very happy in the choices that we made. And BTW, my parents never said a word about it.

Thanks for everyone's response. I'm going to take your advise and make things right with her this weekend. I married at 19 and gave up things I could've done with my life at that time and I regret not waiting awhile longer for marriage. I'm afraid she's walking in my path and she has so much potential. I know what it's like to be held back from opportunities by first loves. My 23 year marriage gave
me the two most precious things in my life but ended in divorce 10 years ago because we matured and grew apart.