Surviving a child suicide

Hello, I just found this site and thought I might be able to find some support or be able to vent out some feelings. On October 3, 2008 my 20 year old daughter decided to end her own life by taking an excusive amount of Valium and heroin. My husband and I were out that night and wouldn't be home until the next afternoon and her older brother was working a night shift so she was alone. She had some problems in the past but we never thought in a million years that it would end like this. The past few years have been the hardest for her. Growing up she never gave us much trouble, even her teen years seemed pretty "tamed". She was always quiet, shy and seemed strangely anti-social. We thought that was just part of her personality. She had very few friends, didn't go out much and spent most of her time at home on the computer or watching TV. She pretty much stayed to herself. I always suspected she suffered from depression and social anxiety. She always seemed to avoid anything social and said she was afraid or didn't trust most people. She also suffered from an eating disorder and was possibly a drug user. She has seen one psychologist but she refused to talk to her so after 3 visits I stopped making her go. She was going to school to become a nurse but said it was taking to long to get her degree so she dropped out and got a full time job. About two months before she took her own life she moved out of the house with a friend from work. She didn’t move too far, about 20 miles away. I didn’t hear from her for almost a month until I called her and she asked to move back in since living with her friend wasn’t working out. She was almost in tears saying that her friends’ boyfriend would get drunk and hit on her, that she had to share a room with her friends 5 year old boy, she had no privacy and that work was too far away from the apartment. So she moved back in the next day and everything seemed okay. It wasn’t until after her death when we learned everything wasn’t okay. For some reason, two weeks after moving back in she quit her job. For 5 days a week, eight hours a day, she should would leave the house and go somewhere (We don’t know where) to make it appear like she was working. She was applying for jobs, but she told me it was because she was tired of her current job. After two weeks of job searching our guess is that she ran out of money and couldn’t pay her bills. I asked why she was running out of money since she was working (or so I thought) and she claimed that they cut her hours so much that she could barely pay her bills. She just bought a new car and was worried she would lose it. On top of that she also had a red light runner traffic ticket to pay. So she started selling things on ebay, including her most treasured belonging, her lap top. This was one of the things I should have paid attention too. She was selling and giving away all her personal belongings. She never did find a job and I know she tried looking. I blame the current economy. I guess things became too much for her to handle. That following week was when she ended her life. Her brother didn’t find her until the following morning (Saturday) after he got home from work. She was on the living room sofa, still breathing but very slowly. He couldn’t wake her so he called an ambulance. When they arrived she had already been in a coma for sometime. She died before they got to the hospital. I’m still numb. I don’t really feel much of anything right now. She left no note and left so many unanswered questions. Like, why didn't she tell us she was in so much pain? Why didn't she say she needed money to pay bills? Why didn't she tell us she quit her job? Why did she quit her job and not wait until she found another? Moslty I feel bad because I don't really feel anything. I was devastated, crying uncontrolably, but still I feel like I should be more sadden by her death. Her older brother didn't say much either. I thought he'd have more to say since he's the one who found her. My friends and family havent said much either other than their sorry for everything as well as offering to be there. They seem uncomfortable about the whole subject. Besides just a select few, we really havent heard much from our friends or family since the funeral. If Im able to figure out how my scanner works Ill post a pic of my daughter.

i'm so sorry

I am SO sorry I can't imagine having to deal with the pain of loosing a child much less one that decided to take their own life!!! I'm sorry!!!

So sorry for your loss but just remember not to blame yourself or play the waht if game with your mind Were always here if you need to talk

Any time you need to vent, there are many people here to listen. I am sorry this is something you are going through.

Let us know what you need.

I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain your going through right now. I can only imagine having so many unanswered questions is tough also. Could you possibly speak to the friends that she did have, or her old roommate to see if they knew anything at all. It may help some if you could have a few answers.

Like the others have said we are hear to listen if you need it at anytime. If ever you need a friend, feel free to pm me

I can't imagine the loss of a child this way, and I feel deeply for your loss. My cousin ended his life without letting anyone really get close to him to try and help too, and though his mom suspected all was not well with him, she felt helpless to do anything. There isn't much I could say that could ease your pain and feelings of loss, but we're always here to read and give support.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please make sure you seek help for yourself, your feelings of numbness are a sign of PTSD, and you should be able to feel everyday emotions, not doing so puts you at great risk for depression.

I'm so sorry for your loss!

Thank you so much for your comments. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read my comments.

This all seems so surreal. My husband and son won't talk about it now. But, I figure it is their way of coping. My niece Emily (6 years old) and nephew Sam (8 years old) also live with us and asked a few questions about suicide. But other then that they've been quite about it. I'm not sure if Emily really understands what happened but we tried to explain it the best we could. We have to somehow figure a way of just getting through this everyday, I am moment by moment and day by day kind of person. It's the hardest for us Mothers because we held them first inside of us and we will be the ones that have the hardest time with this as well.

None of us have recieved any kind of counseling. But Im seriously considering it. I don't think its normal for me to feel nothing at all towards all this

I did talk to some of her friends and learned a few things. She was a drug user (which was something we suspected) They would invite her to hang out but most of the time she was hard to get a hold of or she'd say she was working or busy. When they did go out she always seemed happy towards them. There were a few times were she'd post on myspace saying she was going through hard times and how stressful everything has become. I havent been able to read her myspace yet, but one of her friends mentioned she said on there that she made a lot of mistakes and how she wished she could start her life all over. As for her old roomate, I cant find her number anywhere on her phone. I kind of want to stop by at her work, but I think that my be kind of odd from her point of view. I've never met her old roomate. I only know her name

This post has been edited by Ana53 on Oct 26 2008, 11:42 PM

I say whatever helps you cope, and gets you the answers you need.

yes please seek help i agree . the numbness could be because your still in the shock and denial stage. I suffered losses and you feel nothing at first.. well for me at least. i know its diff for everyone. But yes still seek help though so you can get through everything your feeling. dont bottle it up because it will get worse healthwise:(

I agree with everyone else, Seek help. And I am so sorry you are dealing with this

The words "I am sorry" just don't seem like enough. Losing a child is unimaginable, and having unanswered questions would only add to that pain. I don't know much about the situation, but have you considered that the overdose was an accident... that she was simply turning to drugs and alcohol to escape? I know you are searching for answers, but I don't know if finding any of those answers will bring you any comfort.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself about how you are or aren't feeling. However, I do think that talking to a counselor or a pastor would be a good idea for the whole family, especially for your son. I am sure finding his sister like that was pretty traumatic, and eventually he will need to talk to someone. I wouldn't wait, I would try to get him to talk to someone as soon as possible. I think you will find it helpful if you talk to someone too. And, please don't take it as friends and family don't care just because they haven't reached out to you. I am sure they just don't know what to say. They probably say nothing for fear of saying something that would upset you.

I'm glad you've reached out to us. We are here to listen if you need an ear as I know it is sometimes easier to talk to a stranger. I would love to hear more about your daughter and see her picture if you are able to scan it.

I'm sorry again, and prayers have been said for your entire family.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no idea of the pain you must be going through. I hope that everyone goes to counseling. I am a firm believer in talking though so jmo. And you can be mad about it. I hope you find some way to get through this difficult time.

Thank you again for reading my comments.

It's been hard to get through the days but we manage. It'll be awhile before everything gets back to almost normal. I find that keeping busy helps take my mind off things and stops me from thinking too much. I've been looking at grieving centers around my area but haven't really made a decision yet. I don't think Ben wants to go, when I brought it up he just mad this face and changed the subject. Maybe its too early for him to talk about it? I've only wished that this whole thing was an accidental overdose. At first thought, I was sure it was all an accident. At first they believed it was an accident but after looking through her computer, it proved it wasnt. She did extensive research on valium, heroin, overdoses, suicide methods, ect. She talked to other people and asked about how much of a dose would do her in and told how she wanted to go peacefully. She also gave away almost everything she owned.

As Im thinking about it now, I remember this one time I was telling her she should stop smoking. Her response was "Why should I? It's not like I'm going to live very long anyway."