need ideas

not for me.....

for someone I know, they are in a fairly new marriage and LOTS have changed. Bottem line they dont communicate well at all, and just dunno what to tell her anymore on how to help, they basically have different idea on how home and family should run. SHe says he wont listen, he says she wont talk about it....he said she said. They are both at witts ends, he says councling is not a option. So any ideas? maybe a book or some type of comminiction skills you know of, anything I am so lost as to what to say anymore.

I know all this is kinda veg but I cant give out to many details

The bottom line is they have to talk
Maybe she can write him a letter about how she feels it would be a start

they should write down a list of all issues - and their feelings on it...then exchange papers. They can read it on their own time, and they can respond to it as they wish.

I don't know why a lot of people fail to talk about the most basic of thigns, such as lifestyle, before getting married. it seems so trivial...but something as silly as how often you change the sheets on your bed and how you wash them can be the straw that breaks the camels back and dissolve a relationship.

They need to get how they feel out, about what, and why. Then they need to exchange thoughts about it. Writing it down and reading / responding is a heck of a lot less "in your face" about it... and gives you time to cool down if you're angry, rather than coming back with some hurtful comment... you do it on your own time, you take the time you need to form responses.

I know and that seems to be the hard part, I also think they need someone to listen when the do 'talk' maybe not say anything but just listen and then see if they can figure out where the breakdown is.

Yeah... a mediator isn't a bad idea.

I'm sure there are some deeper issues which both of them are passing off as the minor things.

How about the book The five love languages. That might help a little.

I am sure there are........so every little thing sets one of them off. its sad and very frustrating.

I am sure there are........so every little thing sets one of them off. its sad and very frustrating.

i can relate.

It really helped for us to really get through allt he minor details and what we expected out of each other and ourselves... but it was to start talking about it that was the hardest.

I'm wondering, since they're both talking to you already, if you'd be willing to sit down with them - even just once - to get the ball rolling.

Men have always been taught to hold in their feelings, and since he's opened up to you, well, wow!

The trick to helping someone is actually not to advise or answer questions, but to ASK them.

Don't want to jump right to the heart of the matter, ask each to come up with 5 things about the other that they find absolutely wonderful. This will help remind them and feel the love that they share for each other. It'll also help relax them, talking about things can be pretty stressful and make one uptight and nervous.

To him: what do you think is the biggest issue in your relationship?
To her: how do you feel about that?
If she mentions things that she wants and how what he wants totally differs then ask him: how can you find a way to agree or come to a compromise? Keep looking back and forth between them while they talk to encourage them to talk more. When they're done, ask her the same question.

If the fights are about having children, one may want them now while the other doesn't. What's often NOT said is the other wants to wait X years to be more financially secure.

Money issues are more difficult to deal with as each will have their own ideas ingrained in them while growing up from how their parents dealt. Each needs to state exactly what they want so it's clear and a compromise met... somehow. If they plan on sharing bills and one makes less money and the saving of money becomes an issue. Instead of splitting the bills 50/50, split them 60/40 [if one makes way more, then try 70/30, whatever works]. If one expects to put 10% of income into savings, but the other only wants 5%, then try 7%.

When they do talk on their own, tell them to continually hold hands. You're less likely to name call or say hurtful things while holding hands. It should be in a quiet setting with no distractions; phones, pagers, cell phones, instant messengers, ALL should be shut off.