Struggling and Confused

I know that most of you know that DH and I seperated amicably about 2 years ago. We reconciled (kinda) last year when Spencer came home. In my mind it was never supposed to be a permanent situation, this house didn't feel like mine anymore despite everything DH did to make it beautiful for me. In time I thought I would find my own Apartment again. Then Spencer got sick again and I realized the timing was not good for me to move out and when we came back from Toronto (in April) it's been pretty much the same, not good timing for me to leave. Now I'm 90% in charge of Spencers line care. I flush his lines everyday. So once again now I'm torn, I can't leave now Spencer needs me. But I'm not sure if I want to be here anymore. Believe me I'm not trying to be selfish.

Anyway a few things have happened and I was not aware of this until I saw my Psychologist today. While I'm not sure that we are really working on our relationship. We go to Marriage Counseling but nothing really has changed. We still sleep in the same bed and we still have sex, but it's weird. Our communication is really bad and I find that the my anger has come back and I'm yelling a lot more.

I know this probably won't make sense. But right now what I'm trying to do is make this house more mine. We have this very old 70's light fixture in the kitchen, it's white with orange and yellow fowers on it. We painted out Kitchen orange and yellow. About a week ago DH was looking through the flyers and he found another fixture for the kitchen. But I got angry and told him, he couldn't change it. Why would I act like this if I'm planning to move out. Then after waiting all summer for DH to call a roofing company to fix our roof I went ahead and did it. I didn't think it was my responsibility since it wasn't my house. So I called the company, hired them and went to pick out shingle and eaves troughing colours.

This is really bizzare and I'm not quite sure what is going on with me. I'm not sure if I'm just settling and hoping that one day DH and I will have back the relationship we had 15 years ago. Don't get me wrong I love my husband very much and he will always be my best friend no matter what happens. I just don't know if it's that romantic kind of love and if it isn't that then isn't what I'm doing, what DH and I are doing wrong?

This post has been edited by CJ'SMOM2002 on Aug 28 2007, 06:28 PM

Do you think maybe you are doing this because you want to stay in the house but not the marriage? Like make him move out?

I don't think so. He is the stronger parent and the kids have a better relationship with him. The kids are better off with him. I'm not sure why I'm doing this.

I have no advice but lots of to you. It must be gut wrenching on a daily basis, I hope things straighten out for you soon

Marriage is by no means easy I see that everyday in my own life, but I think every couple goes through rough patches but you can't really compare you and him to what you were 15 years ago, everyone and everything changes... life changes, kids change you and themselves. Sometimes I see in my own life that I have start the communication up myself, open the lines and be firm and tell him what I need and want in this marriage. I'm not really trying to give you marriage advice just some ideas on why things don't feel right to you.

Maybe your doing this so you can feel at home in YOUR home.. its not just your DH's you make it yours when live in that house and take care of it and the children!!! I hope things get better for you!!!

Thank You for your support!

Thanks. I never ever thought this would happen to me and my DH. But everything we've been through, I've been through has really changed us both and I think right now I'm burnt out again.

I don't really have much advice either, but I am always here to listen and support you. I know you are going to marriage counseling, but are you still seeing a therapist (just you?) ... have you discussed this with your therapist? Sometimes it helps to talk to an objective person. I am not objective because you are too close of a friend.

Thanks. I am seeing a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. I just saw my Psychologist and it was in his office that we both made the realization of what I was doing. We see our Marriage Counsellor monthly, sometimes every other week, but I don't feel that it is really going anywhere. Today we have another session, so we will see what happens.

Hun, I wish I could help you out, but you described my life in many ways. Dh is my best friend, we raise our children together great, but not sure if we have what it takes romantically to move forward and not sure if I want that.

Just know I'm here if you ever need to talk.

Thank You!