What would u do?

Ok... As u know there is trouble in paridice when it comes to hubby and I. I am making preparations to leave him. However, in the same breath I am also concerned about him Don't really understand it... But, I am. So, I am debating on trying to hook hubby up w/ his ex that he was going to ask to marry about 8 or 9 yrs ago. Please read the whole thing b/f giving ur suggestion.

BACK GROUND:
Hubby and this girl Nicole dated for about 6 months and during that time he fell heavily in love w/ her. He was already looking for a wedding ring to propose to her. But, then she left him for another guy, Jimmy. They were dating well b/f she met hubby and she was in love w/ him but they got into a fight and they broke up. Then something happened and Nicole and Jimmy got back together.

BACK IN 2002:
This is when I left him last time to pursue a divorce. During that time Jimmy cheated on her while she was in the hospital for 8 months w/ some sort of woman problem (I forgot what it was). Daniel had tried to get back together w/ her and was almost successful untill something happened and once again she got back together w/ Jimmy.

BACK IN 2003:
I couldn't take hubby talking so much about Nicole and finding how much stuff he has around the house that she had given him- so, I decided to talk to her and see what she had to say. I also wanted to know what had happened between him and her during the time I was separated w/ hubby. I don't trust what he says. Any way... Despite the doctors telling Nicole that she would never get pregnant- SHE DID. So, Nicole and Jimmy got married. 1 month after they got married he commited suiside b/c he was faced w/ 2 counts of rape. According to Nicole the time that he cheated on her was w/ those 2 girls. Shortly after they had sex the girls went to the hospital (I'm not sure wether Jimmy actually raped them or not- she never confirmed or denyed it) and they had proof that they had sex- or that he raped them.

RECENT EVENTS:
Hubby refuses to put up the things around the house that Nicole gave him. Nicole had a baby boy. I haven't talked to her in awhile... But, hubby talks about Nicole alot. I know he is still in love w/ her. Nicole's and hubby's personalities are compatable. As hubby told me the only person that he was really and truly compatable w/ is Nicole. From talking w/ her I agree. She doesn't put up w/ s***. LOL and she'll know how to put hubby in his rightfull possition. You know the probs that hubby and I have now.

I feel that if I tell Nicole that she'll more than likely will get back 2gether w/ hubby. I also believe that if he gets back together he won't be as harsh on me and as irritable when I do leave him... What do u think?

Does anybody have any suggestions?

Please....

I'm not sure what I would suggest. If you think they would get back together I say go for it. Although it is a little strange that's all, I've never heard of a wife wanting to fix there husband up with someone. Talk to your husband and see what he thinks.

I think it's really weird you're thinking about fixing your husband up with someone. That would be the furthest thing from my mind! I could care less if he ever found someone!

I say just get rid of him, and let him fend for himself. I don't think him being with Nicole would make him be any easier on you. It might go the opposite way, and make him fight harder for Zuriel.

Just my opinion .

I didn't think about things that way... In the way that he might fight harder to get him. B/c if he had her he would use her support and come bearing down on me like some horrific monster.

I know... I really am weird. With my last boyfriend I broke up with him b/c we got into a HUGE fight that we weren't able to peacefully resolve. Instead of being pissed off w/ him and trying to make his life hell, I chose to do the opposite. I talked to his ex-girlfriend and I got them back together I knew that he would take the break-up really bad and I wanted somebody to be there for him. I guess that is really wierd.

But, she has to think that I am nuts anyway b/c I called her. Think of it this way... If u were single and the wife of ur x-b/f called u to talk about ur past relationship w/ her. How weird is that?

However, when I want to do something... I do it. One way or the other. You could ask anybody who knows me and they'll tell u that.

The only reason why I want him to be w/ somebody else is b/c I cannot stand thinking of him being sad and all like, "I'll change." "I love u" and all that crap. At first it is heartwarming. Then when u get back together u r left to wonder what hole it came out of. When I leave him, I want it to be forever and I want it to be as easy as possible. I guess no matter what I do it is all going to be difficult. *deap breath* I really hope I have enough courage and strength to actually go through w/ this.

I think you need to leave the guy and forget about him. Who cares if he finds someone else? I just left my boyfriend. I moved from Minnesota all the way to Missouri to be with him and it was the worst mistake I could make. I knew that if I lived somewhere else down there he wouldn't leave me alone, so I moved back to Minnesota. He still doesn't leave me alone. He calls me all the time and thinks he can change my mind to come back. But no way. He isn't Arik's father so it is easier than your situation. Anyway, I would never "hook" him up with an ex. I don't care if he finds someone else, that isn't my problem.

But I think you need to worry about yourself and your child before you worry about your hubby that "beats the crap out of you" as you said in your other posts. I understand you have health problems, but get out there and find some HELP! Why would you want to help someone that hurts you so much? How has he helped you lately? Making you feel like crap?

Sorry this is just my opinion.

This post has been edited by alice&arik on Nov 13 2004, 05:20 PM

The way you have described your DH is someone who in my opinion deserves to be alone until he gets help. He is not a healthy individual and I certainly can't see how it would be beneficial to any of you. If he is "in love" with her, he will go there on his own and then it's not your problem. You need to focus on yourself and your son and not worry about his lonliness --if he is lonely, it is due to decisions he has made. I hope you can get the help you need to get that self esteem up so that you can realize that what he does in life is on him---if you leave him because he treats you like crap --that is on him and not something you need to fix.

I wish for you all the strength you need--!!!

I would highly reccomend you find any self help books on co-dependency. It sounds to me, based on this and other posts, that you need to work on your co-dependent issues. Otherwise, the chances of you falling into the exact same self-destructive cycle are phenomanally high.

Trying to hook him up with an ex sounds strange, to say the least, to me. If you are afraid that you don't have enough strength to say no to his lies when he's begging for you back (so he can abuse you more) then you need to work on yourself and find some self esteem.

Sorry if this seems harsh but having been in similar situations (minus the health problems and the marriage...thank god) and until you improve your self image, you will never cease to run into similar problems.

here are a couple of links for you that I found on a general codependency search in google
http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm
http://www.recoveryresources.org/codependency.html


This post has been edited by kit_kats_mom on Nov 13 2004, 06:17 PM

Thank you for the links.

I don't know your whole situation, so I can't really offer any good advice. But I can say that I agree w/ the other ladies. I would not try to hook my husband up with another woman if I were planning on leaving him just so his blow could be lessened. I don't know. It's not your responsibility to find him another wife, KWIM? If they are truly that compatable and all, I think they will get back together regardless if you help or not. Just my opinion.

I would just leave him. I would not try to fix him up with someone.