DH in a serious funk, need advice

I need help, serious help! I don't know what to do for Rich anymore. He is in such a funk lately because of his new job. Hates it, despises it. We have friends telling us he's lucky to just have a job in this economy. True, but it doesn't help. He comes home everyday and it feels like a dark cloud enters our home. There is no intimacy between us, he yells (as in shouts) at the kids, and he doesn't find joy in anything anymore. I have had some long serious talks with him. Telling him I will go back to work and he can stay home and work things out, but it doesn't seem to be the answer he wants. He has some other job options in the works, but nothing seems definite at this point, at least not definite enough to allow him to quit. His goal is to start his own business, but being in a funk has lowered his confidence. I had found him a hockey league to join, so that he had an outlet after work. He loves hockey! But to my surprise, he has dropped that and told me that he really doesn't even enjoy playing anymore. I'm trying my best to be supportive by listening to his needs, giving him lots of space, making sure the house and the kids are well taken care of so that he doesn't have to worry about it. I try and find fun things for us to do as a family on the weekends to get his mind off work. Nothing helps. Rich says that going to the beach is really the only thing he enjoys, but I watch him sitting there in his lounge chair like one big stress ball! He just can't let go. I've asked him if he feels depressed. Answer is no. I've tried persuading him to play golf or do something with just the guys, and he declines. I've tried tough love and telling him that he just needs to suck it up for awhile until we settle in. Nothing is forever, he'll find a new job soon. But he gets defensive, assuming I don't support his goals. I try not to take it personally, but it's hard when your hubby seems to "hate" everything and everyone around him. He sees what he's doing to the family and he apologizes often, but I tell him that apologies aren't what we need...We need our Daddy/Husband to be happy.

Anyhow, any advice or insight is appreciated.

I guess the only thing I can say is just continue being there for him like you been and trying to understand him the best you can
Just remember were here for you also

Rae, you have been in my thoughts lately. I actually intended on emailing you today b/c I haven't seen you around and I wondered if things picked up for you guys. I know what it's like having a husband who isn't himself. We went through this off and on for years and there are still times when Scotty slips into his funk. I think you are doing all you can for him. Unfortunately it's something that he needs to work out on his own. Just pray God changes his heart. I'm sorry he is so unhappy.

I know how badly you guys wanted to be back in California to be near family and I hate that it isn't working out as planned.

Rae, I dont know if this will help, but when we moved here to our new home, it was me that was in the funk for almost 6 months. I made everyone miserable because I was so miserable. Then one day I heard caleb talking and telling someone how unhappy I was, and how sad it made him, and thats when I started to try a little harder to make the best of it.

I dont know if you can get him to see what he is doing to the entire family when he reacts like this or not..
I know for us, my dh would never allow me to work while he worked things out, he is to proud. he always feels that its his job to support us, and he tells me its really a huge burden sometimes to bear. he worries that he will fail and thats just not an option when so many people rely on him. I cant imagine what that kind of stress is like...

I think you just have to keep talking to him, and keep trying to be as normal for your family as possible. I think also if you can work on the intimacy part, keep things going in your own relationship it might help..maybe at some point he will feel like he can talk to you.

I dont know why it is that most husbands clam up, but my certainly does the same, when things are bad, he seems to feel that he is the one who has to get us out alone....and then he is back to his normal self..

since he hasnt had a job offer he wants, cant he just quit and take two part time jobs or something else that might not make him so unhappy?

can you plan some time away?

you are in my thoughts..I hope he gets a job he likes soon.

Thanks Lisa. See, I keep telling myself the same thing, to just hang in there (myself) and love and support him. He will turn around. He has to make the choice to change himself. But there are some days I just want to say "I'm tired of the complaints about your job. If you're so miserable, then quit, go do something else." I don't say this of course, but I can't help feeling it. There was one evening I told him that I didn't want him bringing his misery of work home anymore. He had walked in while I was cooking dinner and the first thing out of his mouth (without even a hello or kiss) was a complaint about his boss. I calmly looked at him and said "you CHOOSE to bring this home with you. You CHOOSE to set the mood for the rest of our evening." He apologized, but give it a couple days and he is right back to where he was.

His work defines so much of who he is. At least that's how he sees it. I try and boost him up with compliments, telling him that he has so much more strengths and talent, outside of his job. But he can't see it. I thought if I went back to work, maybe that would alleviate the stress to be the bread-winner. But like I said, it doesn't seem to be the answer. He says he doesn't want me to. because it makes him feel like he has failed our "plan". Which is so bogus to me, because life is unpredictable. Plans change. But he doesn't want to hear it.

Aimee, thanks for thinking of us. We are ok. Life can always be worse of course and in some ways I think we're actually doing pretty good besides the job. Moving is tough regardless of where you go and what you do there. Even if DH loved his job, this transition would still be hard. We haven't sold the house in CO yet, but we finally decided to rent it and found someone to rent for at least 6 months. So that helps. We were just there last week and finally got to pack up all our furniture and belongings, so it's nice to sortof close that chapter. I am anxious to setup the house here. Prices do stink here and when I compare it to what we had, I sometimes get down. But I took Wesley for a walk down by the beach today and I said to myself "we may be struggling, but we're living".

Stacy, this is EXACTLY how it is for us.

I agree with you, for men it seems like jobs define so much of who they are. And, even in today's world, most men feel like it is their job to provide for the family even if the wife works too. So, I can understand how this might affect his confidence in himself and his work.

I think there needs to be change, and if you keep on doing the same things (even as supportive as you are) things aren't going to change. Yes, it is up to him to change, but maybe you can give him a nudge in the right direction. This is what I would do....

He wants to start his own business and work for himself, right? How do you feel about that, it sounds like you are supportive of the concept. If that isn't a possibility right now financially, you can get started by making plans. Ask him if he is serious and this is what he really wants to do. Sit down with him and let him know that you realize this is his dream and you want to support it. And if so, you want to make plans now so that you can take that step without a lot of financial worries. Start a savings account for the business start-up. You'll want to figure out the business expenses plus allow enough for your personal expenses for at least 6 months. It takes a few months for money to start coming in when you start a business. Set a date for the start of the business, figure out how much you need to put away each month to make it happen. Make a business pla, file all necessary paperwork, think of company names, logots, etc. I think if he realizes that you believe in him and are behind him in his dreams, then he will have something to work towards. It will give him purpose again. Plus, it will give you a peace of mind that he just doesn't up and quit his job and you are left with him either trying to find a job quickly and taking anything that comes along, or trying to start a business with no cushion or support -- that can be rough.

Stacy, this is EXACTLY how it is for us.

Thats us too At different times over the last two years we have desperately needed me to work, and even not so desperately just to relieve some of the pressure on DH but it's the same reaction....almost like if I wanted to work that would be ok, but needing me to work makes him feel worse.

Jeff has been in very similar funks, the only thing that has ever really helped is to give him a lot of space, meaning on the weekends the kids and I would pick up and go do whatever we'd planned, regardless of him. I guess it let him have his down time in a dark corner without having to go through all the effort of leaving the house, kwim? Sometimes I don't want to go out and do something, I want to curl up in a ball in my bed and cry, and I think it was the same sort of relief for him, if that makes any sense.

Also, I know it IS a guy thing, but I finally got DH to realize that his work really doesn't define him as much to others as it does to himself. I had to point out that he doesn't look at a cashier at Walmart or a guy working at a gas station and make all these assumptions about that person and their life, why think people do that to him?

I hope the cloud lifts soon, it's no fun for anyone

when pete lost his job as a truck driver at that horrible accident this last winter, that is what he said to me, that he really wasnt sure who he was anymore, he had always been a "truck driver" and now he felt really out of touch.

it was hard for a long time, but like you, I just tried to keep him happy, and just redirect the kids as much as possible.

honestly until he found the job he has, and started doing really well at it, he didnt turn around.
nothing I said or did made a difference, and it affected all parts of his life.

I can honestly say though, that when I was in my funk, even though I wasnt mad at him, I did take it out on him, mainly because he was the one there, and nothing he said made me feel any better. I think it was my own decison to stop moping and get on with life as it was now, that just finally made the difference and that might just be what has to happen for him...until he decides he can be happy with what has been handed to him, he isnt going to change.

something you said though, about wanting to say, just suck it up and deal with it till you get what you want, I think woman can do that a little more easily then men. I mean we can go days and weeks with no sleep if our kids need us, men generally cant do it like that...we seem to find some inner strength that men dont have when it comes to just sucking it up..
thats my opinion.

Thanks so much for the advice and insight you guys! It means so much. I thought maybe it was just my DH. He is the optimist in our family, where I'm usually the depressed one. But right now it's the opposite. So I understand what he's going through and I understand that no one can change you until you decide to change yourself.

DeeDee, thank you for the advice on starting up a business plan. He has so far picked a name and is applying for an LLC or possible INC (not sure which one). He is networking and going over his ideas with industry leaders. So far people have liked his idea, but no takers/investors yet. We will see. I think what you said about saving, having that cushion, is really crucial. We have a decent savings in case he loses his job, but not a separate account for the business right now. I know he had started one last year, but I think with the move and all, we have stopped adding to it. Anyhow, thanks for the good tips!

Monica, yes DH is also okay if I wanted to work, but the thought me having to work makes him feel worse too. He always says "if you want to go back, I support that, it would definitely help financially". But I think it makes him feel insecure. Again, like he's failing our plan. I will try and leave him alone this weekend and see how that goes.

I dont really have any advice -- sorry ! Just know I've been through funks with my DH many many many times. Seems like nothing I did or didnt do ever helped. Eventually,,things lifted in time. Cant even tell you why they got better,, they just slowly did.

It makes life miserable, though. Especially because it seems that alot of men express their emotions through anger.

Hang in there and keep the Faith.

This post has been edited by Sam & Abby's Mom on Sep 4 2008, 04:25 PM

One more thing I thought of that helps Jeff a lot is when he's talking things out I try to give "supportive input"....I toss around ideas with him or make suggestions even if they're small, I think it makes him feel like I'm in it with him rather than waiting for him to figure it all out. I don't always have anything useful to add but that way when I do need to say something I know he isn't going to like, it seems to cushion it a little because we just had a brainstorming session and he knows I'm behind him.

Also, when he's funky and snapping at the kids, I have to tell him "I know you're stressed, but we aren't the problem"....sometimes it doesn't go over very well but it does seem to make him at least try a little harder to bite his tongue.

Ha! that's when I tell my DH to go outside and have a cigarette. LOL

I'm sorry sweetie i think everyone gave some great advice so i wont add to that. I hope he gets out of it soon!!

Ha! that's when I tell my DH to go outside and have a cigarette. LOL

I wish! My DH doesn't smoke or drink!! Which I know is good, but sometimes I just wish he would throw down a beer and chhhhhhiilllllll. Just got back from a bike ride by himself and seems to be in a good mood although his boss came down hard today. Hoping for a pleasant night.

I skimmed a few of the responses so I don't want to duplicate so sorry if I do. For one thing, asking him if he is depressed and him telling you no is not a true indication of whether or not he is. There are checklists and other ways to get a better idea of whether or not that is what you are dealing with. If he is indeed in a depressed state, it is unlikely he will just snap out of it based on something you do or don't do. Job difficulties often lead to depression especially in men.

Also, as far as him bringing home his work problems, it may be helped by a more significant transition between work and home. He should get in his car and either go someplace each day for 15 minutes to read, listen to music ...whatever he needs to do to change into home mode. He should also come home and strip away all the work clothes, get into comfy home clothes where he is comfortable. Those simple steps can go a long way towards leaving work behind. You can also give him time to vent about work but you need to set the time....30 minutes of griping, after the kids are in bed....that allows him to vent but to control the effect it has on the family, You would have to let him know that you want to hear it all, you are not discounting his frustration but you have to limit the effect it is having on the family.

Best of luck to you, if he is truly depressed, you can't snap him out of it and he may need to talk to his doctor....I know it is a tough battle to get them to get the help they need but it is worth it in the end....I've been there!

This post has been edited by Jamison'smama on Sep 5 2008, 03:54 AM

Thanks! I like your idea about stopping somewhere before getting home. I may suggest that to him.

Last night was actually a good evening. I think DH is starting to realize that he has no control over his boss and that DH has a choice as to how he lets it effect him. I guess the boss came down hard yesterday, although DH came home fairly relaxed and seemed to brush it off. So maybe we're getting somewhere!! DH had a talk with his former boss via phone yesterday and I think that helped. His last boss was such a mentor and friend to him, so I think hearing his advice helped DH have a positive outlook. Plus, DH spoke with a prospective employer today who really wants to hire DH come November 1st! So that's good too.

Now, THAT is good news, Dear !!!!!!!!!!!

Your not alone in this. When we started to get financially "off". I wanted to get a second job. I was the one who said "I will get a second job to help us out" and he wouldnt let me. Now its killing him because he works 2 jobs. And it does make "our" life harder alot of the times. I offered since to let him take a break and let me go and get one and he wont do that.

Oh Rae, I'm so sorry things are rough for you guys right now. I do, however, want to thank you for opening up and being honest about it because it's very clear that many of us see ourselves in your struggles. I don't think I can add anything more to the excellent advice you've already been given. My dh was in a rut a few months back, and it really, really sucked. He acknowledged his negativity, apologized repeatedly, but couldn't back himself out of it. It was very frustrating for me, and it required a tremendous amount of patience on my part not to badger him into "talking about it." That's what I would have needed, but it wasn't what he needed.
If the beach makes him feel better, encourage him to make that a regular part of his routine. It's a great place to think.

Thanks ladies! Things are a little better at home. DH is still miserable with work, but he seems to let it roll off a little easier lately. He came home "moody" free this evening, which is nice. But he still has a long way to go as far as being out from his blanket of doom. He has a lot of business ideas in the works. Also got a call back about a job today, first meeting type stuff. So that always cheers him up. Anyways, I have a job interview this Wednesday. Hopefully that will alleviate some of the stress on his shoulders.

OH, good news...We got a rental agreement on our CO house this last weekend! So the funds are in our account!! Woo hoo! We are officially landlords, so that DEFINITELY alleviates some stress for both of us.

Thats great hun! I hope things only go forward after this.