Can I get some advice..., Father has done nothing to help...

Hey there!!
My name is Catherine and I am currently 38 weeks preggers. The father of the child and I were only together for 3 months (1 month when I found out I was pregnant. Later on I found out that he cheated for the last month of our relationship),and now he acts like he's sooo excited to be a dad when he's done nothing to help with the support of this child. I and my friends and family have bought all sorts of stuff for the baby including diapers, wipes, lotions, a playard, 2 car seats (One is a infant seat and the other is for an older child), a crib, crib mattress, a baby swing, clothes (All the way up to size 4T), bibs, blankets, etc. I finally had all that I could of his high and mighty routine today and confronted him on the fact that as proud and excited as he may be, he has yet to do anything to contribute to his child. Then he informs me that he has infact bought things for the baby, but he's not going to bring them to me because he doesn't like the way that I act. When I said to him that him getting things for his child shouldn't be determinate on the way that mommy acts while she is still preggers, he (of course) disagrees with me and then proceeds to tell me that I should just go ahead and have the child and just leave him out of everything. What???? This whole time he has degraded me for eating spicy food (He point blank told me that this could kill the baby), and has also written me emails (as well as his sister) that I am crazy and that I need to learn how to act. I know that I have had a hard time with my mood swings, but hormonally (SP) have swung from one end of the spectrum to the other. And he's not been very emotionally supportive of this at all. He promised from the beginning that he would be emotionally and monitarily supportive of me and the baby. That he wouldn't be one of these guys that just leaves a girl that he got pregnant. But in all honesty, it seems to me that he's done the opposite of everything that he promised. And now I'm left feeling like I have an extra burden as far as what to tell our child when he gets old enough to ask why he doesn't have a daddy. Some parts of me feel like maybe some of it's my fault while there are other parts of me that feel like I did everything that I could to give the guy an opportunity to be responsible. And now I just don't know what to do....I was just wondering if there was someone out there who has been through something similar and would have any words of wisdom??? I would greatly appreciate it...thanks so much...catherine

hi.. i know how you feel. that is basicallly how my baby's daddy was..

so as far advice.. eat what the baby tells you too. i ate hot wings the whole time. and my baby is fine. ignore that. go ahead and file for child support.. if he isn't giving you help now he won't when the baby is born.. and most likely he will pull what mine did and try to take the baby away. prepare yourself mentally. dont' let him get to you. it's hard i know. but just remember you are the mommy.. talk to the hospitol about the rules for birthing and post.. i made a stipulation that my guy's sister could only come for 30 minute increments and could NOT be in my room at all. (we didn't get along at all) also if he doesn't want to be a part of the process you can keep him from it. it's up to you. just remember your happiness and well being while pg is the most important to the baby.

just try to let things blow over. dont' argue with him right now.. honestly you probably can't think clearly.. i was soooo hormonal it was crazy.. everything made me cry and i took everything personally. just stand your ground.. and my last piece of advice


if he's being a JERK>. do NOT put the baby's last name as his. this doesn't make the kid not his.. you can still list him as the father. but if you have any doubts that he will stick around to SUPPORT the baby and not just use it for bragging rights.. give that child your last name. if in the future he proves himself a daddy not a sperm donar then you can adjust it thru the court.

that is all the advice i have right now. if you need someone to talk to pm me. i'm always on here it seems..lol. good luck with the baby and the best of luck to you!

I haven't been through this but I can tell you if he plans on being any kind of father at all he's going to have to learn to deal with you and put aside his "issues" with you. You don't have to like each other but he has to respect you as the mother, and if he's not making an effort I don't think his opinions are worth much anyway.

Glad you found the board, you will find lots of support here!

Best wishes to you and your upcoming arrival!

Thanks guys!!! I really appreciate all the and support!!! I just really hope that he just leaves me alone now. I don't want him trying to take away a child he's done nothing to support. Thanks though!!!!

I have not been through this , but my sister did. She got pregnant at 17 years old, by her high school boyfriend. He was physically and emotionally abusive. Luckily, she gave her son her last name, and not his. She thought that after the baby was born, things would change. And it didn't. After 8 years she left him. And he hasn't seen his son since, and he's now 13 yrs old.

There is a slight chance that he could change after the baby is born, but I highly...highly doubt it. He sounds like a ver controlled and emotionally abusive man. He critizes you as a mother, and you are still pregnant. He threatens you about taking the child, and not giving you baby supplies to hurt your feelings. This guy is in no way shape or form, ready to be a father figure in your babies life. He is the one with the issues, and not you.

I agree with the other ladies, that you should put your last name on the birth certificate, and you still have his name listed as the father. Your son deserves to know his name, but does not deserve to used as a toy in his battle with you.

All women are hormonal when they are pregnant. And obviously he is playing off of your emotions. I'm so glad that you didn't stay with this guy.

I wouldn't talk or contact him at all. After the baby is born, you can send him a birth announcement in the mail. But I wouldn't speak to him, or tell him about the birth. You don't want him to show up at the hospital and make a scene. You also need to document everything. In case you go to court over a custody battle. Document that he has not supported you or bought anything for the baby while you were pregnant. And document everything, after the baby is here. Make sure you put times and dates on there as well. There is a chance you could fight you for custoday. Not because he really wants to be the father to this child, but because it is a control issue...and he may get pressure from his family to do so. Just be prepared. And 90 % of the time, the mother wins the rights anyways. The only time the judge doesn't give the rights to the mother is if she is mentally unstable, such as doing drugs or indangering the life of her child. I know that's not the case for you, and I wouldn't worry about it...just be prepared if it does come up in the future.

Make sure you get child support. Because he will not pay you on his own, he's already proven that.

Let us know how this goes. Be strong, stand up for yourself and this baby, and do what is right for your child.

Ann :sunflower:

Thank you Ann.
So here's the update:
I tried to call my local Child Support Enforcement Agency, but since (and silly me forgot about this!!) it's MLK Jr. Day, they're not open. So, I will definitely do that tommorow. In the meantime, I downloaded the Child Support Enforcement Application for my state. The only problem (and the reason that I tried to call them today) is that on the form they want me to list the child's name with a SSN and a date of birth. Well I don't have SSN or date of birth so is there any way that I can still apply before the child is born???<---Just wondering if anyone knows???

Also, I called the doctors office to see if there were any forms that I need to fill out as far as who can be in the delivery room with me. The nurse there said that she didn't know and to call the hospital, which I did. The nurse in labor and delivery told me that since I've already filled out all of my preregistration stuff, that upon my arrival to the hospital, there would be more paper work for me to fill out as far as who I want in the delivery room. That leaves me to wonder, why even fill out the preregistration packet with the hospital if that information is going to be required of me when I am in labor upon my arrival there??? (Well except,that is, just so the hospital can verify my insurance coverage. I'm not completely naive--I did use to verify insurance coverage for patients when I worked at a dr's office, so I do know how that goes!!! ) I just didn't understand why that information wouldn't be included in the preregistration paperwork? Maybe I should call back and talk to another nurse??? Again

Just wanted to again thank everyone for the words of encouragement!!! And if anyone knows anything or has dealt with having to fill out the child support paperwork, please let me know. Thanks Again!!!

I do not know exactly how u feel but I grew up without a dad, a dad who did not see me and who did not pay child support and it hurt. But now that I am grown and have my own baby I realize that it was my dad's loss, not mine. I have many people around me who love me and so does your child and that is all that he needs. His dad will be the one who in 10 years realizes what he lost and cannot get back.

Catherine,
Sorry I don't remember, what state do you live in? I know in NM it's difficult to get child support enforcement before the baby is born because the guy either has to sign an affidavit that he is the father (which I'm not sure yours would) or they wait and do a paternity test. If it comes to that, don't let it make you feel bad, it's totally formality.

How are you feeling today?

Rested (I got a little more sleep than usual), but still a little insane. I think all of the excitement's getting to me too. I think that I just have had a lot of adrenaline running through my body, but I really don't know.


As for everything that has to do with the daddy, I've left messages with a couple of people and an email with the state with all of my questions and I still have had no response. (Btw: I think that someone asked what state I live in and I just wanted to let them know that I live in Louisiana.)

And now since the baby's so close to being born, I guess maybe I should just wait until he's here? Then they can really determine paternity, right?

If Louisiana is anything like NM, the state won't ever answer you. But I bet they have social workers at the hospital who could help.

ok i went through this 2 times..unfortunetly.

1st time... when i got pregnant we were together then he left me mid pregnancy and went back to his ex and in turn got her preggo then married her. he refuised to help with the child in any way. he and his wife threatened to take my baby away from me after he was born... i got everything for my baby on my own with a little hlep from family and friends...he told me he isnt going to pay childsupport and even had the nerve to deny the child...UGH!

2nd time.... we broke up just days before i found out i was preggo. we remained friends. he didnt help at all getting thinsg for the baby! I got everything from diapers up to crib. My family helped a bit but for the most part i did it on my own. my dd was born and we remained friends but it took him 8 months after she was born to realize the 200 i get from the gov a month (child credit tax) wasnt enough to riase a child so he fionally started to give me money. And he knows if he stops i will take him to court for child support!

What you should do is cut your ties with him if he is goign to be like that. You dont want himt o be around your baby if all he is goign to do is be negative. You dont want to subject your child to that... BUT if he does want to be part of the childs life let him and see if he will and how well. if he refuses to gibve you money you need to file for support. have the courts decide what he pays. And if he doesnt they will garbish his wages and all that other fun stuff. I dotn know if you want to have a verbal agreement to what he pays you because what it seems like is he cant be trusted.

Ever since the last conversation that I had with him, I haven't talked to him at all. My father was sitting there listening to it in disbelief. He thought part of it was ridiculous that he got me all upset while I was preggo, and then he said that I shouldn't allow the guy to get me all upset because of the harmful hormones that the baby could be getting from the stress. But after the last conversation with him, and since he said that me and the baby coiuld go on without him, that's what I was planning on doing. But not without the child support. I feel like my baby is owed that much after everything that he was promised by dear old dad. And I saved all of the emails that he's sent me just in case I may need them as proof for anything. My dad read them and seems to think that if the guy trys to get custody of the baby that if those emails are presented in a court of law, then that could totally backfire on him. Then I'm also being told that if I put him on the birth certificate, that he could deny paternity, but only if he pays for the DNA test. But with all of that being said, and if he DOES deny paternity, he'll still end up being order to pay child support, right? Then I was wondering if I should go ahead and wait to contact a lawyer now, or just wait this whole thing out to see what his next move is...my mom has a friend that's a paralegal and she told me that I should definatley wait and save my money until I get a court order of some kind. Man this is the biggest mess, I swear.

Ever since the last conversation that I had with him, I haven't talked to him at all. My father was sitting there listening to it in disbelief. He thought part of it was ridiculous that he got me all upset while I was preggo, and then he said that I shouldn't allow the guy to get me all upset because of the harmful hormones that the baby could be getting from the stress. But after the last conversation with him, and since he said that me and the baby coiuld go on without him, that's what I was planning on doing. But not without the child support. I feel like my baby is owed that much after everything that he was promised by dear old dad. And I saved all of the emails that he's sent me just in case I may need them as proof for anything. My dad read them and seems to think that if the guy trys to get custody of the baby that if those emails are presented in a court of law, then that could totally backfire on him. Then I'm also being told that if I put him on the birth certificate, that he could deny paternity, but only if he pays for the DNA test. But with all of that being said, and if he DOES deny paternity, he'll still end up being order to pay child support, right? Then I was wondering if I should go ahead and wait to contact a lawyer now, or just wait this whole thing out to see what his next move is...my mom has a friend that's a paralegal and she told me that I should definatley wait and save my money until I get a court order of some kind. Man this is the biggest mess, I swear.

yes i agree wait... if he denies paternity you can get a court order for it to be done.. i think so at least.

dont do anything until your baby is born....

Ok, funny thing, (Or just irritating, depending on how you want to look at it.) the daddy tried to call me today. Why? I don't know. He didn't leave a message and I didn't pick up the phone. This are just the sort of games that I think that he likes to play. I have a funny feeling that he's going to say that he never told me the things that he told me a few days ago.(About how he didn't want to have anything to do with me or the baby.) But he did!!! It's really aggravating!!! I immediatley blocked the call. But I still have a feeling that he may try to call back from another number. He's done that before when I wouldn't pick up his phone calls. After everything that he's said and done, why won't he leave me alone? Esspecially after he said that me and the baby could just go on without him? I really don't need to be (or want to be) in a tug of war with someone that has displayed that he doesn't want to help me or his child out in anyway...so am I doing the right thing by not taking his calls and blocking his calls???

I know he's a full blown jerk but it may very well be that you do have to deal with him. If he accepts paternity or is proven to be the father, either way he will have court ordered visits, etc. No, I don't think you should play along with his stupid games, just be prepared that it may not be as simple as taking him for his word and going on without him.

As for the child support, whether he promised it or not your child does deserve that at the very least and one way or the other you will get it. But I agree, save your money until you know for sure what you have to do.

If you do talk to him again, simply tell him that for right now you'll only communicate by email. That way he can't drive you crazy with phone calls and you do have more proof of anything he says.

Sorry it took me soo long to respond...I've been going from sleeping all day to cleaning all day (day after day)...it's been crazy.
So, I called him back the other day and told him that the only contact that I would have with him would be through email and that I had blocked his phone number. I wasn't ugly or rude, just diplomatic. He wanted to ask a bunch of questions, and all I would say is that if he had any questions to address me through email and that that would be the only way for us to correspond with each other. He said ok, and that was pretty much the whole conversation.
He hasn't emailed or anything since so maybe he did want to fight on the phone that day?? All I do know is that physically I'm not feeling great these days so I'm just going to try to remain as stress free as possible right now. Or, as stress free as I can.
I was talking to my parents about all of this today and they seem to think that maybe what I should do is to just leave his name and everything off of the birth certificate and not file for child support; and, if he really wants anything to do with his child then he'll take the initiative to go ahead and file to prove paternity and get everything set up from his end. It sounds better to me than me having to hunt him down for him to take up for what he's responsible for. I really don't know though...
Here's the thing, I might end up having to move back to Texas so that I can provide for the baby. I told him that, and he told me that I have to stay here because he's here.(He also said that he would help out in anyway possible, but, as you can see, he hasn't done much...) I was told by my family that that's not entirely true, but I really don't know. And if I do move and he's granted his visitation, then I have to give up my baby. It's a crummy situation all the way around...I feel like I've gotten myself in this impossible situation that will never be resolved. And all I really want is for everything to be nice and peaceful between the 2 of us. I'm really just trying to not worry so much about it at the present, and to just keep my head up about everything. I'm not saying that I don't think about how hard it's going to be, just that I can't think about it like that all the time because that would bring me down. And I don't think that that would be good for the baby. (to not keep my head up about everything)
But, like I've said, I'm just trying to stay positive and figure out where it is that I go from here...

Maybe it is best to not put his name on the b.c. But do you need the money at all? Just remember when you put his name on the b.c, that usually means visitation. I hope everything works out. Are you getting help from your parents or anything?


Shannan

Oh boy. It is crummy all the way around, but I know it will work out somehow. I agree that you should try to keep the stress low. Be sure you ask to talk to a social worker at the hospital. They should be able to answer all your questions.
Good luck, hang in there!

Well, my parents are helping out as much as they can. My dad's letting me live with him right now and after the baby's born. That was a hard decision on my part (giving up my apartment), but I thought that it would be better so that I can save $ and have chance to get back on my feet for after the baby's born. So, believe me, I do need the $. My parents also seem to think that I might have a chance at getting court ordered supervised visitation because I've saved all the emails that he's sent me thus far. But if I move out of state, I already have the inclination that he's going to want me to drive to meet him to see the baby, and that he won't drive to meet his child. When my parents got divorced, my father got custody of me. So when I was talking to him about this today, he said that he absolutely knows how that goes. The other parent has visitation and child support to pay and they won't take care of their obligations as far as any of that goes. Plus, he said that if he gets visitation that the court won't care whether or not I am breastfeeding the baby and that I have to relinquish the child to him no matter what. But he still seems to think that because of what little time and effort that the child's father has put into taking care of his responsibilities, that it would be better that I not put him on the B.C.

Have you tried looking on the web for something like "child visitation Louisiana" or something along those lines? I know it may be different there, but in NM they're very strict about visitations with kids under 2, some of it in part to BF and other things.

No I hadn't...I was just going on the advice that my parents were giving me...but I'll certainly try...Thanks for the advice!!!

Have you tried looking on the web for something like "child visitation Louisiana" or something along those lines? I know it may be different there, but in NM they're very strict about visitations with kids under 2, some of it in part to BF and other things.

he cant do that. the courts take into that the mother is BF and that the child should not be taken away because of that fact. plus at such a young age i dont think any court could take away the child..but im in canada so it may differ

If it hasn't been said, I just wanted to add I hope you're saving all the e-mails him and his sister are sending you. Don't tell him, but you never know when you might need them.

Good Luck.

Yes I have been, just in case.

many 's to you. I have read all of the posts (whew!) and I have no other adivice to give except 's. Wishing you well in labor & for the birth. I hope & pray that you will find the answers that you are seeking reagarding the father, and the your unborn son. Keep us posted!