please, i need help!!, going to court b/c of teens lies

i really need advice, legal help, parental support... sry for being so needy in my first post but i just don't know what to do!! i've done nothing but cry constantly for weeks. i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't think and there's nowhere for parents to turn in times of crisis.

to try to explain in less than a novel... and i apologize now i'm not clear or confusing, i just can't think straight anymore.

i have a 15 yr old teen-anger. no, that's not a typo. we've had MANY issues w/ him starting in grade 1. whenever he wouldn't get his way, he'd make up stories to his school and we'd have cas at our door. they practically live at our house.

the past yr finds us constantly calling his friends to find out where he is yet again. he's a habitual runaway.

we have 2 toddlers, 4, and 5, that he has abused since the second they came home from the hosp. kicking, hitting, pulling hair, punching, spitting - not only on them but in their food as well - , stomping on their feet, slamming fingers,... u name it, he's done it. he doesn't do this just at home, other family members have witnessed him doing things to the toddlers.

he's horribly mouthy, lippy, disgustingly rude, tells dh to f off and go f himself,... and the list goes on.

last mth we got a phone call from his school saying he was sick and throwing up in class. dh went to pick him up and found out he was stoned out of his tree. it took dh and a male principal to carry him out. he got suspended, we yelled, we grounded, he didn't like that and took off after verbally abusing dh.

now cas is involved again b/c WE abandoned HIM ?!?!?!?! we agreed to allow him to stay at the friends where he currently is. cas said as long as both parties agree, then it's ok. THEN they turn around and say we need to give legal permission and have to go to court. what they did NOT even mention was that we would have to give up ALL RIGHTS TO HIM. this was NOT the original agreement when we agreed that he could stay at the friends.

today, well yest. now, we got the court papers. about 50 of LIES!! EVERYTHING we told cas was twisted around and used against us. we told them that he was not allowed home at this time until counceling happened for him. they wrote in the court papers that we said we did not want him home b/c we would physically abuse him!! i HAVE to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to prove i can take care of the toddlers just b/c i have insomnia!! i didn't sleep when he was here b/c i was AFRAID. i don't sleep now that he's gone b/c i'm either too stressed out to sleep or i'm up all night b/c the youngest was sick w/ a fever of 103.5.

cas is "allowing" us to keep custody of the toddlers even tho they've expressed fears that they will be emotionally, physically and mentally abused, neglected, and MANY other things. the toddlers protection and safety has NEVER been an issue... except when HE was here.

our 5 yr old dd has told them she doesn't know what spanking is, is always fed, there's always food in the house and she has lots of clothes. she also told them of the many times he has hurt her and her little brother.

there's so much more, but i just can't get into it anymore. that's the gist of it and i'm PISSED! he's manipulating us, risking the toddlers well-being, and what gets me the most is HE HAS ALL THE LEGAL RIGHTS AND WE, AS PARENTS, DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHTS AT ALL!!! he's walking all over us, has us by the short hairs, and he KNOWS IT... and there's not a damn thing we can do about it!!!

this is where i cry hysterically.

i've even been trying to call the Parent Help Line for the past 3 hrs. there's no one nor nowhere for parents to turn. we're in dire need of a lawyer, but can't afford one. i want to see a councelor about not only just this, but everything from b4, but we just can't afford it. i bawled and told the councelor i would scrub their toilets w/ a toothbrush for compensation. i'm desparate.

i talked to him last night and he told me he hates us and never wants to see us again. that killed me.

i desparately need help!! i don't know where to go, what to do, my family has been torn asunder, the toddlers at risk of removal for NO probable cause, he's in desparate need of help, and all b/c of his lies.

somebody PLEASE help me!!

I do not have any help to offer. Just a bit of compassion. What if you called the court and ask about a lawyer? I do not know how it works where you live.

Good Luck to you.

If CAS has been so involved in your lives for so long don't they have records prooving that you have been doing all you can? that would at least help you out. I would also talk to someone about getting a court appointed lawyer. you need legal help. Your son also needs big time help. It sounds like he needs to be sent to a locked facility against his will to get help. I would suggest you do what you can FAST before he turns 18.

Here is a place you can call

1-800-448-3000
Its Girls and Boys town National Hotline
Its for children and parents that need help check out the website also

www.girlsandboystown.org.


Good luck
Let us know how everything goes



This post has been edited by gr33n3y3z on Nov 11 2005, 06:12 AM

where are you located (roughly)? catholic family services offers counselling that could be free based on your income. and it is not a bible thumping agency anymore. majority of workers are not even catholic. you can meet with someone from legal aid for free for a consult. actually, most family lawyers will do a free 1hr consult for first visit and they can give you the resources you need.

as far as dealing with CAS, you have my unending sympathy. you are so right when you say they twist things and as parents, we have no rights. with them, there is no innocent until proven guilty.. it is guilty until proven innocent and even then they cover each others butts and leave out the truth. any dealings you have with them.. put it in writing. keep a copy, give them a copy. they cannot argue with doumentation. keep a journal of all your visits and what was discussed in detail. protect yourself. stay strong for your other kids. we are here if you need to talk.

i'm hoping we have a lawyer. i found her b/c she deals with cas. there is free duty councel at the courts, but you can't talk to them till the day of, and we need more time than that. i need time to dispute everything and to explain it all to a lawyer.

they told me that all records concerning us states that he has recanted everything told and admitted it was a lie. but now he's saying he just said all that b/c he was scared we'd retaliate.

about a yr ago, i'd called the Crisis Line when i'd found out he'd been setting fires up in his room. i'd explained everything that had been going on up until that point and they said i needed to get him into a psychiaric facility as soon as i could. i was advised to call our hospital and explain to them what was going on and they would send an ambulance to come get him. i called and they told me they don't work that way and that he needed to be referred by our family doc. we didn't have one at the time.

that number is for the States, although i didn't find that out till well into our conversation. she was very helpful and gave me local numbers to call. thank you.

we're in Ontario, Canada. i'm going to look into that, thank you. my dh does make decent money, so we don't qualify for a lot of things, even tho we're badly in debt. they only take into consideration the money coming INTO the home, not what goes OUT. with now having to pay support for him, all court costs, counceling, we're pretty much screwed. we moved recently and were JUST catching up on the bills and getting back into the swing of things and now this. we could file for bankruptcy, but in doing so, dh wouldn't be allowed to work 7 days a wk and that's how we're trying to catch up. we'd lose too much money to be able to pay for just the rent, let alone the bills, loans, credits cards [which i've put away] and food. we need to buy dd a new wardrobe as she's literally grown out of everything.

i'm going thru the court papers line by line and contradicting everything. most of it i can prove easily, i have papers to prove stuff, but some is just our word against his or our word against cas.

one counceling service i'd called has still not gotten back to me, even tho they'd said someone would call the beginning of this wk. i called another agency this morning and got an emergency app't to talk about everything, but after that we're on the waiting list.

i'd tried calling the Parent Help Line... started calling at 2am this morn and finally gave up at 7am b/c i had to wake up the toddlers for school. support for parents is a joke, there really isn't any.

i wish i could sleep. i'm so tired.

thank you all for replying, it does help to know that ppl are listening and trying to help. u have no idea how much this means to me.

That number is also for Canada

i am also in ontario (toronto) and am currently dealing with the problems that come with CAS as well. feel free to PM anytime. you are right about qualifying for legal aid but you will get couselling at low to no cost because they do consider expenses. not sure if you are aware of it, but the best community resource is dialing 211 on your phone. it is a community information line and they can direct you to free lawyers, couselling, financial aid.. virtually anything you could possibly need. i have the number for the free family services office if you want it.. just let me know. hang in there!

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I am sorry I don't have any help to offer but to just let you know that I am here and willing to listen. Good luck to you and keep us posted. ((((((HUGS))))))

Forgive me for saying this, but I would definately grab him by the seat of his pants and have his litte @$$ committed!

((((((((hugs)))))))to you honey!! I will put you in my prayers, and I will be thinking of you.


I don't have anymore help to offer than a lending ear. I hope that you get a lawyer fast. And I would definately try to remember dates and times of his abusive behavior and make a record of it.

I would take him to a juvenile facility and show him how good he's got it. And not that it's any of my business, but is he currently on any psych. meds?

First, I'm sorry you are havng to deal with this.

Second, it sounds like he has a drug problem. That, with his exixting attitudes (you said they started at age 6) can make for a toxic combo. I

think you need to take away all privliges (car, any money, etc) and practice tough love with him. There is a book, I'm sure you can find it on Amazon, called Tough Love. It's hard for all parties involved but it really worked for my family when I was a rebellious teen. Granted, I did not have toddlers in the house and I did truly love my mom so our case was a bit different but not in many ways. I ran away and my mom finally said "enough". She changed the locks and I was on my own all summer. Hitching rides with friends, eating when and if I could, staying in friends garages and sheds when a bed wasn't available. I finally got sick though and showed up on my mom's doorstep with a 105 degree fever and a bad case of strep. Mom told me that I was not allowed in unless I signed a contract. That contract included daily duties that I had to take care of around the house, how often and how many miles and for what reasons I could drive her car, How long I had to find a job and the consequences if I didn't, rules for how I treated her and her belongings, Rules for how I treated myself, rules for how and when to attend counseling, tips on how to earn my allowance, forms for me to take to school every week to have signed by the teachers and returned to my mom on Fridays to show that I had actually attended classes etc.

I signed it and moved back in. Things were much better. Of course I had a few slip ups but for the most part, it helped me to know exactly what was expected of me and when. Some kids have a really hard time understanding emotions. When every thing is laid out in writing, it can help. Make sure to include consequences that you will be able to carry out as well. Empty threats are worse than no threats at all IMO.

we tried calling 211 but got a recording saying we were not authorized to access that number from our phone. i'm guessing it's for TO only.

the lowest the counseling would go is $30, it'll be tight, but hopefully we can do it. a free lawyer would be awesome, but i'll bet that's only for TO as well

thank you. hugs r great

as i wrote earlier, i had called the Crisis Line about his fire setting. they advise me to commit him but when i tried to do so, i was told that i couldn't do it, he would have to be referred by a doc.

as for trying to remember dates and times, this has been going on since he was in grade 1, he's now in grade 10. if the previous abusiveness dates are accurate in the court papers, i can go by them, but as of almost 3 wks ago, he's no longer living w/ us.

when he ran away and was gone for almost a wk, we did make a contract and he agreed to it all, if he didn't then he wasn't allowed bk home. within 10 mins of agreeing he was already breaking it and hadn't stuck to even one thing on it the whole time he was still here.

so that didn't work for us at all. in the end, it worked against us. cas put it in the court papers stating everything on it was totally unreasonable and the expectations were ridiculous.

i'm so sick of all the bs. thanks all for listening and taking the time to offer advice, and for all the hugs.

well, hon, I hope that everything works out for you.. I am here if you just want to vent about it.

I have never been through a situation anything like this so I really can't offer any advice that is better than what you have already gotten - just