Latest Issue of the Week from He@@

Hello all,

As I may have mentioned in a previous post, my kids are away visiting their grandmother for a week or so. Seperation Anxiety is really setting in

This has been the worst week of my life, really. My 13 year old daughter, Sharon, left a print out of the lyrics to a son on her bulletin board where my wife and I couldn't help but see it. The song is about a girl who wonders about her "real" dad. That was knife in my heart number one. Now for the latest delema.

My daughter has a computer and an e-mail adress through our isp. She is not allowed to use AIM, or any other chat program. My wife and I sat down and talked to her about the dangers of such chat programs.

Well, yesterday my mother dropped my digital camera and now it doesn't work. I was hoping to find the problem and remembered that the last time I saw the manual for the camera it was in a desk drawer of a desk that was once mine but is now in my daughter's room. When I looked for the manual, I found a printout of a chat transcript in which my 13 year old daughter was talking to a 19 year old man. Although the conversation was not sexual, dating was mentioned and my daughter did say that she would not be interested in dating the man. She did, however, save the printout.

I checked her computer and she does not have AIM or any other chat program installed, but in doing so I discovered that she has a yahoo e-mail address that she never told us about.

I feel like I can't confront her with this because of her mood lately and the fear of alienating her completely. She is a such a good girl. I just don't know what's wrong and were to turn to for a solution.

I am losing it completely

Madpoet

I am so sorry you are struggling with this, first off, I don't think it is anything against you if she wonders about her "real" dad, I am certain she loves you as her father, but wonders who her biological father is......................KWIM?

And even though you have talked about chatting etc, they are still going to be curious........and it is great that she has no interest in this 19 year old, sounds like you have raised her with a good head and taught her to make good decisions........again, I am soory.

If you wanted to talk to her about it you could just start a conversation about the internet and see what she says..........I am not much help.

Hope things get better

Hi Madpoet

Does she even know who her father is?
This is all normal for her to wonder about him and in her own way she is letting you both know she is thinking of him.
Not that your not a Great Dad and she probley means no harm from that.

Now off to the other

I wouldnt worry about that either bc she told him she wasnt interested in dating and maybe it was a reminder to herself.

But she did chat when she wasnt supposed to ..... dont know what to tell you what to do about that

Good Luck
She does sound like a very smart girl

Well Madpoet, I really don't know what to say about the other stuff and I don't know your daughters exact situation. But I was adopted and I would always bring up my birth mother when I was angry or even just wondering growing up. My parents told me that if I wanted to search they would help me and even pay for my trip to my homeland if I wanted to go find her. I think you shouldn't take it to heart, She doesn't really mean to hurt you she is just trying to figure out who she is. For me the best way to do that is to try and find connections to my past. And I think the best thing you could do is to encurrage that. Trust me some of the stuff I found out I may not have wanted to find and I was able to figure out even what things to avoid because of heredity. Either way I think she'd appriciate your support. Good Luck!!

Hi, I have a 14 yr old son. I understand some of what you are going through. (I have an 8 yr old girl and I think that girls may be harder during the teen years.)

I would talk to her about this. We want our kids to talk to us about everything so I figure I better be prepared to talk to mine about everything too. That means I spend lots of time right now talking about computer games that I normally wouldn't but that is what interests my son. But he and I talk about what he does on the computer AND when I do not understand, or I question something he is doing we discuss it.

Good Luck to you.

--Anne

My daughter does indeed, remeber her father (slightly). and I am willing to chalk all of these other things up to "teen angst" and "rebellion."

The thing is, her father has not made any attempt to contact her since she was 7 years old, even then it was just a phone call at Christmas. His own mother doesn't know how to reach him or where he might be (or for that matter if he is alive, he was a drug addict). In any event, in the case of an adopted child adopted at birth, I agree that parents should be supportive of a child's desire to know more about their past if for no other reason then the medical one. My wife and my daughter, however, both know her father was a drug addicted, child and wife abuser.

Can we, in good conscience, encourage her to try to find him now?

And then of course, there are the selfish questions.

If she re-establishes a relationship with him, who gets to walk her down the isle 10 years from now?

Does she go back to calling me "Ron" instead of Dad?

Who gets the love a little girl reserves for her father?

Adn now that I have come to love her so very much, can I continue to live if the answer is, "him?"

Madpoet

PS: Madpoet isn't just a nick name, it's seems I may in fact be quite a bit nuts.

I would give her until she's 18 and then let her seach if she wants to. She diserves to know the truth about him. I believe it's your judgement if she's old enough to handle it. ( i think she may be.) I think if you support her and show her the love we all see that you have for her it won't be a compititon at all. It's not the blood that makes a father it's the person who raises and cares for you and Loves you who is your father. Chin up!

ok well i dont have a 13 yr old but it wasn't too long ago i was her age i actully still remember 13 as far as the internet thing goes you should be proud if anything that she told the guy she wasn't intrested in dating him older boys are touble and for the father thing i was about in the same thing when i was 13 my dad use to hit my mom and was a huge drug addict he actully is still In prision for the things that he messed up in his life but i can tell you this if she really wants to know him she will do what she can do to find out who he is i am just now talking to my fater after soooo many yrs im 21 now and even though we have a decent thing going now there is still and prob always will be that distrust that he put in me, i know though that the more i was pulled away from contacting my father the more adiment i became about finding him and the more mad i became at my grandmother for keeping it all from me you have been there for her for a long time now and im sure she will see that you have been more of a father to her. Goodluck with everything