2 young kids and ppd, long sorry

When I had my dd in Jan of 05 I thought every thing was great but then after having her dad do nothing to help and doing everythign myself including working from home and cleaning and caring for our dd I just started to get really depressed. I knew it was PPD but never said anything to anyone or talked about it. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone cuz that meant I couldn't handle being a mom and wife. My df and started having really bad problems and he decided he wanted to be with some one he met online so I packed up our 2 month old dd and called my dad and moved 10 hours away from him thinking it was for good. I cried for days and days but my dd kept me going and my dad was there for me to talk to. I was finally back to myself and happy but df was begging me to take him back saying he never meant to treat me us so bad and had a big wake up call from his parents when they called him a worthless man. So he moved ot AZ to be with me and his dd and we got our own place. I was still happy and actually enjoying life again so things were great. I figured I had dealt with PPD and was fine now but then I got pregnant again in Nov of 05. Neither of us wanted a second child espically after all the complications of delivery with dd but what was done was done and we would have our second in July of 06. Things got really bad for us and we ended up getting evicted and had to move in with my brother so we were all crammed intoa 2 bedroom apt and it wasnt a good enviroment and alot of tension. I started having pre-term labor at 24 weeks and was on bed rest the rest of the pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant I was hit by a car 2 weeks prior and since I had injuries the job I had lined up fell through so we had no extra money for anything. I started to dread the day our son would be born cuz I was scared to suffer from PPD again. I was lucky I got through it fine the first time but how lucky could I be a second time. Well when our son was 6 weeks old we moved to Vegas cuz df's parents got us a condo and car and all this so it was great re-start. We had to stay with them for a month and they helped out liek crazy and first my mom was there with me after the bayb was born so I never really had to deal with an 18 month old and a new born alone.
We are now in our own condo and I do everything for both kids all myself. My df works 12 hours a day so I know he is tired when he comes home but thats only 4 days a week. The other 3 he spends playing on the computer. I don't get a single break from either kid and both are cliny. The now 21 month old is having problems adjusting to her new room so I am up with her then the 3 month old is just a clingy baby which I know he cann't help. I fell liek crying all the time but don't cuz I don't want to let anyone know I can't handle my kids. I mean I made them and it is my job to care for htem. I am at the point where I dont want to go out, I don't do anything I used to do for fun, I eat all the time and am gaining weight agian even though I hate how I look, I don't even want my df to touch me anymore and that alone is causing more stress cuz he keeps getting mad that I am so self concius(sp??) and hate being touched. I feel like yelling at my older child cuz I know she can do some stuff on her own but always wants me to do it. My df tells me to just let her cry but then he gets all mad and starts screaming cuz he can't take the crying. I mean our son is at the point I can't put him down or he cries and if he cries my df just makes things worse. I know I need to get help for the depression but then I feel like I am a failur to our kids and him. I was told before I left hte hossy more then lilky I will have PPD again and it will be worse since I have 2 to deal with on my own. I hate the way I am feeling and want to be normal again but I feel liek I never will be. My df never says anything about my weight but it gets to me and then I just feel liek climbing in bed and hiding. I don't ahve insurance right now so I cant just go to my doctor so i am stuck feeling liek this and I hate it.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You should really talk to your DH about helping more when he's off work and about how you're feeling in general. Is there some one that you can get to watch the kids just a little while once or twice a week? Just long enough for you to get out of the house and take a breath?
I really hope you can talk to him or your mom or someone... you need to very badly.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with these feelings. Have you tried asking df for specifics on what to do? Like telling him, can you do this while I do this, etc....Maybe he doesn't really know that you need help. I'm not sticking up for him, just giving him the benefit of the doubt, because I know my dh use to sit on the computer for hours also when he was home from work, and not help out whether I was working or not. Some guys just don't know how to handle it when their women aren't feeling emotionally well, and don't know what to do. Try to talk with him and let him know how you're feeling if you haven't already.

I'm sure there's got to be crisis lines that you can call for free if only just to talk to someone and vent to, of course that's why we're here also.

I've tried to tell him before when I was having probs after Jackie and it never helped that is why I am reluctant to talk to him now about it.

I would try talking to your DF about it. If that doesnt work I would go and see the Dr and see if there is anything they can do to help. If you are stressed out then the kids can tell and that can make them worse at the crying and clingy. I hope everything works out for the best. What got me thru most of the bad parts when I was feeling down after the kids is I would just keep telling myself over and over and over "IT WONT BE LIKE THIS FOREVER" "IT WONT BE LIKE THIS FOREVER" Thats what got me thru it. I hope you getter better soon.

I know personally it won't be bad forever considering up till liek a week ago I was starting to feel better but that was when we were staying with df's parents while our condo got finished. Now that I have both alone for the first time in 3 months it's getting hectic again. Jackie is having problems adjusting to the new place yet agian which I don't blame her for. She is 21 months and lived in 6 differnt places so she is just unsure of everything. Will is sleeping most of hte night....well was but now his nose is all congested bad agian and nothing is helping that. I can't just go to the doctor cuz we are waiting for our insurance to be approved and all that but I have to have my birth certificate which wont be here for a month I was told and then 30 days before the approval can be given after that. I want to get our son an exersaucer or jumperoo since he hates teh swing now but we don't have the extra cashe for that with how much we are paying for this place. Jackie is going to need new clothes for winter and I have no clue how we are going to do that either. Alot of the stress is from $ issues and worrying about providing for the kids. Right now I am trying to find a job for a couple days a week to get some extra cash but no one wants to work with me on a schedule yet.

It broke my heart to hear this because I have felt that way, many times. I put off talking about it for a long time because of this exact feeling and now looking back we ALL could have been so much better off but I was afraid of being stereotyped or a big disappointment.

I hope you will talk to someone, even as Marie said a crisis hotline, someone who is trained to help. It's not failure on your part.