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Parenting Club Forums > General Relationships > When you disagree on family size???

Posted by: Cherie Jul 19 2009, 11:53 AM

Dh & I have been going through some issues... but they all come back to one thing... another child. I want another and he doesn't.

We have 2 boys already, Nathan (4 1/2) and Tyler (2).

I have always wanted 3 children... but he is content with the 2 boys.

We don't know how to get past this... there is no compromise.

Dh has talked about getting a vasectomy and that makes me angry and sad. I think about different ways I can jeopardize my bcp. Both of these are not right... and we know it. We can't make either one of these decisions without each other's consent... it's not right.

I keep praying and saying if it's God's will to have another, it will happen.

So, where do we go from here?

I'm sure there are other married couples who have gone through this or going through it... so I was hoping for some advice.

And just to clear things up... I don't want to keep having babies, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - when will I stop??? I don't want to be misunderstood, I only want 3. I would gladly agree to a vasectomy or tubal after that. But I just don't feel complete or done with 2.

Posted by: MommyToAshley Jul 19 2009, 12:17 PM

Does your DH say why he doesn't want another one child? Maybe if you talk about your reasons, it will make it easier to come to a decision that both of you can live with.

Posted by: Cherie Jul 19 2009, 01:07 PM

I ask him all the time... and all he says is he's happy with the 2 boys. He loves them very much but he finds kids very "busy". I work part-time opposite his work schedule so when I'm at work, he's at home with them.

I think there's more to it... but he won't admit it.

He was the "middle" child... older brother, younger sister. So, I don't know if he wants to put Tyler in that position. His parents allowed each of them to be labelled "smart & good", "trouble maker", "princess"... so you can see where dh was. I have reassured him on many occasions, I would NEVER do that to Tyler or any of my children. I don't care what order they were born... I love each and all of them the same!

Also, I wonder if it's because of the boys special needs and if he worries about another. Which is fair and I understand... but once again he won't admit it. Maybe I'm wrong though... who knows.

He says he feels kind of sad we never had a girl but wouldn't be guaranteed a girl with the 3rd anyways.

I'm hoping he will change his mind or we'll have an opps... Oh did I just say/type that.

Posted by: boyohboyohboy Jul 20 2009, 11:38 AM

Just my opinion since you asked, but having an "oops" would be the worst thing for your relationship.
you both need to talk thru your concerns and desires and mutally agree on a decision, it would be unfair to bring a baby into a relationship where it might not be wanted by both parents, and then ultimately cause a break up of a family...

Posted by: PrairieMom Jul 20 2009, 11:43 AM

QUOTE (boyohboyohboy @ Jul 20 2009, 02:38 PM)

ITA

Posted by: Cherie Jul 20 2009, 01:37 PM

Fair enough... thanks for the info.

Although I want to point out I'm sabatoging my bc to have one or anything like that.

Dh knows exactly how I feel and we've talked about it several times over. He knows I would love a 3rd... and he knows I would gladly welcome a unexpected surprise. That's no secret to anyone.

Posted by: redchief Jul 20 2009, 07:27 PM

A child, as you already know, is an expensive proposition. I'm not taking a side one way or another here, but I have to ask why you're not content with two little boys? Again, I'm not taking his side, but I wonder at your own reasons for feeling unfulfilled.

Posted by: coasterqueen Jul 21 2009, 06:02 AM

QUOTE (redchief @ Jul 20 2009, 10:27 PM)

This is actually a very good question. One my husband asked me when I thought I wanted a third. For me, I was just fearing my girls growing up and not having that feeling of holding a baby or having someone so helpless that needed me, and only me. KWIM? My husband quickly pointed out that they will always need me no matter what and that I needed to look down deep as to whether I REALLY wanted a third. I realized I didn't, that I was just scared to see my girls keep growing and for some reason having another baby would make it not seem so bad. Now I cherish every little moment with my girls as they grow. My husband is SO thankful I didn't want a third in the end.

Posted by: moped Jul 21 2009, 09:53 AM

That is a very tough decision when one person does and the other doesn't. I like what Karen said. that is so true, I think we as women get the wanting another child confused with our children growing up.

I am very fortunate to have a boy and a girl and my husband did not want a second child. I did finally convince him obviously but it took a lot of work actually. Funny story with that......

There may be factors he has not mentioned. He may not want another child to have the special needs that your boys do, he may think that 2 children is a perfect sized family, he may not feel the need for 2 that you do. For my DH it was an age factor. I am a fair bit younger than him so convinced him.

I hope you guys can figure this out, never easy.

Posted by: coasterqueen Jul 21 2009, 10:00 AM

QUOTE (moped @ Jul 21 2009, 12:53 PM)

There may be factors he has not mentioned. He may not want another child to have the special needs that your boys do, he may think that 2 children is a perfect sized family, he may not feel the need for 2 that you do. For my DH it was an age factor. I am a fair bit younger than him so convinced him.

I hope you guys can figure this out, never easy.

This is true too. My Dh didn't want more than we can literally handle. What I mean by that is we do good to split up and take the girls to what sports/events they want. If we had a third, I'm not sure how we'd do all the kids wanted to do. I know people do it, but we'd like to be at everything, meaning one adult to one kid ratio at all times.

I remember a perfect instance. We were all downstairs watching a movie. One of the girls was laying in my arms on one couch and Dh had the other one in his arms on the other couch. We both looked at each other and thought how perfect it was, we both had one kid in our arms...if we had more...how would we do that.

Just our silly logic.

Other issues for us was the hard pregnancy I had with Megan and she was early, has had health issues ever since. It was and has been rough and he didn't want to go through that again. So I see the husband's point of view on this as well.

Posted by: Cherie Jul 21 2009, 02:32 PM

Why do I want a 3rd...

Well my boys are still fairly young (4 1/2 & 2) so they are still quite dependent on us... so it's not because I'm longing for another "baby". It has nothing to do with the baby stage actually. Newborns are cute but they are also tough and lots of work... I'm not naive and think they are going to stay babies forever or that I'll just want to continue making "babies". I like my sleep too much! LOL

I want a 3rd because I came from a family of 2 girls - I was the oldest. Although I love my family and my sister dearly, I always wanted a bigger family. All of our family gatherings were small and dependent on us. Then I met my husband's family and they had 3 children... it was perfect! Not too many and not too small. I love family gatherings with them... there's more people - more spouse, more kids, etc... it's awesome!

Our home is a 4 bedroom - so we have room for another child. I would never want a 4th because I have strong feelings about privacy and each child needing their own space as they grow.

I would love to say it has nothing to do with the fact that I'd like to try just once more for a girl... but it's not true. I would love to have a girl... but if we have 3 boys I'm great with that too. I'd know we were meant to raise a houseful of boys!

Not to mention, I could just see myself with 3 children... I'm a good mom and I have lots of patience. I devote my life to my boys... they are my world. So, why wouldn't I want to have 1 more???

Posted by: TrulyBlessed Jul 21 2009, 03:06 PM

DH and I went through this about 2 years ago. We had two girls and he was done and I wanted one more. He said ABSOLUTELY not and we fought about it. Finally, we let it go and slowly he came around on his own terms and then one night we just risked it and we now have a beautiful one year old boy.

DH is happy, his biggest concern was finances and even though I lost my job and we lost our car and have struggled, we are making by and none of our children have gone without. I nursed and did not impulse shop and buy unnecessary baby items and rarely used baby food. Just keep praying and God will lead you in the right direction whether it is with 2 or 3 kids.

But I understand what you mean when you say you just don't feel your family is complete. I felt the same way. Funny thing now, hubby would have a 4th child, but he is worried we would push it too far financially.

The way I look at it, money comes and goes, you only have so long to build your family. God's word says to store your treasures for Heaven and my children are my treasure and I will have them in Heaven. I would hate to miss out on this "priceless" gift because of the economy. I don't need cell phones, dved players in my car or the internet, if that is what I had to give up.

Sorry, rambling..... LOL

Posted by: Cherie Jul 21 2009, 04:15 PM

That is it Truly Blessed... you said it exactly!!!

I keep praying... letting it go and putting it into God's hands... but somedays it's easier than others. It aches on my heart.

Posted by: mckayleesmom Jul 22 2009, 06:24 PM

We had the same dilema as you. We had a boy and girl and dh didn't want any more. We sat down and discussed the pros and cons and who had better arguments....he won.

We are a military family and 2 was in our budget. We had one of each sex. We both had big families growing up and money was always stretched thin..he didn't want that for our kids. He won the argument. He got snipped 2 months after Russell was born.

Fast forward to today....He regrets his decision to get snipped and so do I SOMETIMES...but its not enough regret to make us unhappy. Our children are more independent now and I love sleep

I would ask your husband to at least wait a couple years to do anything permanent. Take your time with finding a common ground. I would definantly not try to do a bc accident....Your sons are still really young and there is plenty of time to reach some common ground or make a permanent decision. It wasn't till ours weren't babies anymore till my husband got the yearning that he might have been hasty in his decision.

He might not change his mind, but at least you guys can agree to disagree for a while...

Posted by: Cherie Jul 28 2009, 05:29 PM

We're going for marriage counselling in 2 weeks...

This is the main issue in our marriage and neither one of us can get past it.

Posted by: Cece00 Jul 28 2009, 06:34 PM

QUOTE (Cherie @ Jul 28 2009, 05:29 PM)

We're going for marriage counselling in 2 weeks...

This is the main issue in our marriage and neither one of us can get past it.

I'm not saying what you should or should not do...

But I am curious- are you willing to divorce over not being able to get him to agree with your POV?

Posted by: coasterqueen Jul 29 2009, 05:06 AM

QUOTE (Cherie @ Jul 28 2009, 08:29 PM)

We're going for marriage counselling in 2 weeks...

This is the main issue in our marriage and neither one of us can get past it.

Good luck. I hope it helps.

I'm not quite sure what will come of something like this because in the end it would have to be a compromise. Marriage is about compromise, but that's a pretty HUGE compromise on someone's part for sure.

I do wonder, did you both talk about kids before marriage? Did you agree on a number of kids? I think that makes a HUGE difference on the compromise that can be made.

Posted by: Cherie Jul 30 2009, 05:03 AM

No, I would not divorce or leave him over this... that's not fair to either of us or our 2 boys.

I just want us to find some common ground... I want him to understand my feelings and be compassionate with them. It makes me angry when he puts he puts his guard up and says "no". I have started to resent him for this and push him away because of it.

I came from a family of 2 (2 girls - I was the oldest) and dh comes from a family of 3 (him being the middle child - older brother, younger sister). We spoke about children before marriage and he agreed to 2 or 4 children. I assumed (I guess that was my mistake) that 3 was included in that. I never wanted 4... that seems like too many for me. We live in a 4 bedroom home and 3 children would be perfect. I always pictured myself with 3 kids. I see our 2 boys and it's strange feeling but I feel as though one is missing... I notice it even more when I look at photos. I can't explain it and when I do, dh thinks I'm just crazy.

It's definetely not baby fever... it's a sense of being complete.

Anyways... we start counselling in 2 weeks and I hope that helps... but we have finally come to a mutual agreement. Dh says he knows exactly how I feel and what I want... but he says the more I push, the more I push him away and make him not want another even more. So, he told me to leave it alone and see what happens. He can't guarantee he will change his mind - he still doesn't think he wants anymore but he said there is always the slight possibility he may change his mind especially as the boys get older and out of the "cute" toddler age.

I am hoping from the counselling we learn better communication... and how to express our feelings to each other more effectively.

Posted by: coasterqueen Jul 30 2009, 05:09 AM

QUOTE (Cherie @ Jul 30 2009, 08:03 AM)

Anyways... we start counselling in 2 weeks and I hope that helps... but we have finally come to a mutual agreement. Dh says he knows exactly how I feel and what I want... but he says the more I push, the more I push him away and make him not want another even more. So, he told me to leave it alone and see what happens. He can't guarantee he will change his mind - he still doesn't think he wants anymore but he said there is always the slight possibility he may change his mind especially as the boys get older and out of the "cute" toddler age.

Just coming from someone who has had convos with her husband about a 3....you mentioned you just want a compromise, for him to understand your feelings, etc. It sounds like from the paragraph I quoted that is exactly what you are getting, IMO, a compromise.

I'm not a therapist and I have no clue what one would say to you, but it sounds like to me that you will not be satisfied until he agrees to a third. In the end, I wish you and your husband well and hope the counseling brings peace to both of you.

Posted by: MommyToAshley Jul 30 2009, 05:54 AM

Counseling sounds like a step in the right direction. I've never been to marriage counseling but I do know a friend that it really helped with their marriage -- like you said, it mainly helped them to be better communicators. I think if you are honest with your feelings like you have been here, then I am sure your DH will at least be compassionate and understand your point of view... he may not change his mind, but hopefully it will tear down that wall.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Posted by: Cherie Jul 30 2009, 06:20 AM

QUOTE (coasterqueen @ Jul 30 2009, 05:09 AM)

QUOTE

I'm not a therapist and I have no clue what one would say to you, but it sounds like to me that you will not be satisfied until he agrees to a third.

Definetely hard thing to hear... but I think you are right... I don't know if I'll ever be 100% satisfied... I honestly don't know how to get past this? I have a dream and a vision in my head. I am asking for God's strength in helping me and putting the right choice in both of our hearts. I have no idea what else to do.

[QUOTE]

Posted by: coasterqueen Jul 30 2009, 06:21 AM

QUOTE (Cherie @ Jul 30 2009, 09:20 AM)

QUOTE (coasterqueen @ Jul 30 2009, 05:09 AM)

QUOTE

I'm not a therapist and I have no clue what one would say to you, but it sounds like to me that you will not be satisfied until he agrees to a third.

[QUOTE]

Posted by: Cece00 Aug 1 2009, 02:06 PM

QUOTE (coasterqueen @ Jul 30 2009, 05:09 AM)

QUOTE (Cherie @ Jul 30 2009, 08:03 AM)

I agree 100%. What you have now is a compromise (you dont ask, maybe he will change his mind).

What I think you really want is to get your way, and for your DH to want the same thing at the same time.

Good luck with everything, that is certainly not going to be easy.

Posted by: Cherie Aug 1 2009, 02:21 PM

QUOTE

What I think you really want is to get your way, and for your DH to want the same thing at the same time.

Well of course I do... I would love a 3rd... and I would love my husband to want a 3rd also. That's the issue.

And I'm good with the compromise... I can wait... but the only problem is I can't get this little bit of hope out of my head. I need to think like it won't happen... and if by chance he changes his mind, awesome.

Posted by: moped Aug 1 2009, 07:22 PM

I think someone mentioned this but every time I want something REALLY bad I quit bugging my DH and leave it alone all together, then out of the blue he agrees!!!

Posted by: mckayleesmom Aug 1 2009, 08:16 PM

QUOTE (moped @ Aug 1 2009, 10:22 PM)

I think someone mentioned this but every time I want something REALLY bad I quit bugging my DH and leave it alone all together, then out of the blue he agrees!!!

Exactly. Also, your boys are both young and he might find it overwhelming right now with 2 toddlers already.

Posted by: Cherie Aug 2 2009, 11:34 AM

That's the little bit of hope I have... but I know this is a big one!!!

Anyways, talking about it all the time and bugging dh... only makes me miserable anyways. And honestly, who would want another baby with a miserable person anyways... I'm really not doing myself any good.

And yes, I honestly believe he's overwhelmed right now with the 2 boys. Nathan is 4 1/2 and Tyler is 2. I work opposite dh's work schedule... so there is a lot of time when he is alone taking care of both of them. I can understand being overwhelmed... there are some days (especially those toddler meltdown days) where I get overwhelmed.

So. I'm going to make a honest effort of letting it go...

Posted by: Sammiiee24 Sep 29 2009, 02:38 PM

Hi hun I am in the same boat. I am 24 and am married with 3 young children aged 5,4 and almost 3. After our 3rd child was born my husband made it clear there were no more babies. This hurt sooo much as he knew when we got together that I wanted a big family. We have had no end of arguements and he had a vasectomy when our youngest was just 4 months old, I still can't believe he done it and I have never, and will never forgive him for doing it.
It has caused no end of stress and strain on our marriage, and I will always want more children, and know that one day I will, but when I find the courage to leave home. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but I despise him for having the vasectomy and leaving me with this stress and pain. I don't know how you will get through it hun, but I know that there's only one way around this for myself hun, hope you get what you want though, TC xxx

Posted by: Cherie Oct 7 2009, 12:09 PM

It's an ache that just doesn't go away.

Dh makes comments about wanting a little girl and wishing he had one... but then says "there's no guarantee the next will be a girl". And I know that!!! But is it not worth a try???

I have told him over and over again that I do not want to keep trying... I promised him that after a 3rd baby I would have my tubes tied asap... regardless of boy or girl.

But anyways... for the time being, I have decided to leave it. I do not talk about it anymore. Dh knows how I feel so there's no point pushing it anymore.

I just hope and pray that one day he changes his mind... before we both get too old. I am 33, and he is 35.

Posted by: bluebear Oct 7 2009, 02:24 PM

You are not too old!! My parents were 38 when they had me, and 34 when they had their first.

You do not need to have both sexes to have a perfect family. A perfect family is anything but "trying" until you have both.

Posted by: Cherie Oct 10 2009, 01:13 PM

It's not so much about wanting a "perfect" family because I'm not naive, I know nothing is ever "perfect".

I have just always wanted 3 children. My parents had 2 and I always thought that was small. And then I met dh's family and realized what a difference 1 more child made. IMO, 3 children is a good size.

2 boys and a girl... would be awesome but I know we have a 50/50 chance regardless... and I wouldn't ttc just for a girl... I'd ttc for another child to love.

I'm just hoping dh changes his mind... but like I said... I've just let it be. I just don't want him to leave it and wait too long... and then we're both too old. Ideally I'd like to ttc #3 within the next year if possible. But we'll have to see what plans God has for our family.

Posted by: jcc64 Oct 10 2009, 02:48 PM

I started with 2 boys. We had no conversations about how and when to stop...we just got so busy with the first two that we didn't really address a third until all of a sudden I was 37 and thinking, it's now or never. I too would be lying if I said wanting a girl after two boys wasn't a big motivation for me. It worked out in my case, but I have two friends with 3 boys each for whom it went the other way. Neither of them regrets the decision, though I know the ache for a little girl never really goes away.
It sounds like you're being honest with your dh and yourself about your reasons, and that's good. I would just add as you head into counselling that I suspect some of your upset goes beyond the unresolved third child argument. Hopefully, you can dig through all of that and find some peace in your relationship. Best of luck, hon.

Posted by: Cherie Oct 11 2009, 10:59 AM

Yes, I am trying to be honest with myself and dh... but it's so frustrating seeing other people having more children and dh not being on the same page as me. I keep praying he will change his mind... but what happens if he doesn't?

Absolutely, most of the counselling on my part has to do with the unresolved third child argument.

Somedays I'm okay and I just keep waiting, and then other days I worry he may never come around.