Don't know how to cope

oh Mollie, It IS a very real loss. I do understand. I won't pretend to know exactly what you are feeling, but I do understand. I've been there and my SIL is there now. Please vent here anytime. It is better than holding it in. From the moment I found out I was pregnant for each of my children, I had thoughts and dreams about what it would be for them. Please allow yourself to grieve the loss of this child.

It does get easier, I can tell you that, 25 years and 14 years later, but this child will always be with you.

Thank you amymom !

The part I bolded is especially true for me. I bond immediately with them, as soon as I know I'm carrying a new life inside of me. That's my baby, my child, and they will be a part of me forever.

I'm planning on getting a tattoo of some sort as soon as I figure out what I want.

If it didn't hurt, you wouldn't be much of a mother. It just proves what a wonderful, loving, caring person you are when it comes to your babies. Be proud that you are able and willing to feel such pain, because only then can you feel it's equal in joy.

((HUGS)) Losing a baby is very very hard. No one can diminish those feelings. I am here for you Mollie, any time.

Thank you Cary & Karen!

Yesterday was hard; I'm sure it's jsut hormones, but I was/still am very depressed, sad, and angry about stupid stuff. I spent my breaks at work just sitting in my van & crying . I don't know what was so different yesterday to make me so upset.

I think I found the one I want. I fell in love with this design right away, and it took my breath away. It's simple, but elegant I think. I'd have half of the ribbon in blue, and the other in pink to symbolize the awareness ribbon. I want it on my outer right calf of my leg.

What do you think??

http://www.tattoojohnny.com/product/ABF-00063

I really like the form of it and the overall feel. I'd probably tweak it a bit..I'm personally not a fan of roses so I'd prefer a lily or something like that but I'm all about personalizing my tats.

another idea to customize the original design, maybe add something or color something in the sign that the baby would have been born under...for example, if s/he was going to be born under the sign of aquarious, then maybe an air element or sky color.
One of my mom's most beautiful tatoos was a styilized peacock feather that curved around her breast. It was very art neuveau and started out in fire colors at the bottom (to symbolize her husbands fire sign) then the colors merged in the middle and the top was blues and greens to represent her water sign.

I think the tatoo as it is is very nice, and like I said, if it moves you...then it is good.

I'm still tossing around ideas. Hope to meet with the tattoo artist soon to discuss ideas before getting it done.

I'm doing a bit better emotionally. Still hard to deal with work though. Physically, I'm still spotting, and have been for over a week now. Wish that would stop, it's getting old. I'm ready to start trying again, and I'm starting to chart again. I'm looking forward to another spring or summer baby.

You know something else I just realized? Out of my group of 4 friends (5 counting me), only 1 has asked how I'm doing. I know i haven't seen them in a long time because of working, but is a quick email asking if I'm doing OK asking for too much? I get that they might not want to bother me, or not know what to say, but just a "Thinking about you" would go a long way for me.

I hear ya girl...I don't know if people are just scared to ask for fear of making you upset, or if they really are that insensitive. I'm sure it's a bit of both. I encountered some real crappy statements after. Sorry they aren't thinking either way.

It's been 2 months, and I'm still a mess. I'm still so very sad, I miss my baby so much. The pain is still very real. I want to be pregnant again so I don't feel like a complete failure, and know my body isn't broken. The past few days have been extremely hard. I can barely function. I'm putting on a happy face for everyone else though, and trying to keep myself busy. If I was alone, I'd just be sitting, doing nothing by crying. I have a few tears to myself when no one is around.

I feel so weird compared to everyone else. Some people think I'm nuts for having 6 kids & wanting more. To me, it feels like on the inside, I never "had" them, like I've never been pregnant before. That deep seated need to always want another probably has something to do with it. It's hard to put into words. I feel like a freak of nature sometimes. Ive always felt I never "belonged" anywhere growing up. I always felt out of place, at home, at school, everywhere.

I also feel like I've wasted my life. I haven't "done" anything, I'm not good at anything, I feel like the most inept, disorganized mom in the world. Nothing I do ever goes right; it always gets messed up somehow. My life feels out of control, and I don't know how to fix it.

Mollie, stop what you are doing, right now and go look at those wonderful kids you have. They are proof that you are a wonderful mother and that you have done great things with your life. Do not doubt yourself or belittle your choices. We are all disorganized messes sometimes. Stop judging yourself by others standards because I guarantee you, others are suffering their own private miseries as well. Happiness is what you have, it's all around you in the loving faces of your children. And as for feeling out of place, you have made your own place. Your home, where you can be yourself, cry when you need too and laugh when you want.

Amen, sister! Mollie, Cary is so very very right!

Thank you, I appreciate it Cary & Karen. I never thought it would be so hard. I broke down at work on break & told DH how much I was still hurting, that I never knew a miscarriage could hurt so much. He wishes he knew how to help me, but he doesn't. He did suggest therapy, and I might consider it. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about it.

Is being "just" a mom good enough? My job isn't fulfilling or anything, just mindless work anyone can do. I'm only working for the money, not because I want to. I hate going to work, I miss supper & bedtime every weekday. Abby is always crying when I leave, and it breaks my heart to hear "Don't go to work Mama!" . She is so clingy, she has to sleep by me when I get home, and she's hanging on me all day long. It's so hard.

Go. It would be great for you. Especially if you have noone to talk to. I am glad your DH suggested it. I do know how hard it is, you need someone to bounce this off of. And hormones are funny things, post partem could be in the works here. And without a baby to show for it makes it harder.

Go to therapy ASAP you will feel better.

Go. It would be great for you. Especially if you have noone to talk to. I am glad your DH suggested it. I do know how hard it is, you need someone to bounce this off of. And hormones are funny things, post partem could be in the works here. And without a baby to show for it makes it harder.

Go to therapy ASAP you will feel better.

I called my medical helpline, and I get the first 3 visits covered 100%. I got a list of 4 counselors in the area, and will call them Monday morning. I think it will really help going, if I can manage not to cry the whole time.

hey, Mollie. Did you go to counseling???

Just wanted to let you know I'm here if you'd ever like to chat. I've lost 3 babies and will never truly be 'over' losing them.

My first two miscarriages happened before I had any living kids. At one point, I thought I would NEVER have any children. Then I had Sammy in 2004, Abby in 2006 and my third mis in 2008. OMG, that last mis just ripped my heart out because after having Sam and Abby,,,,I *understood* even more than with the first two miscarriages exactly WHAT I was losing when I lost that last baby.

Anyway, shoot me a private message if you'd ever like to chat.

I hope you're hanging in there.