Sleeping Issue

[sunrosejenn]

Is this a control or behavioral or other issue?


Little background Brett is my BF. Frankie will be 11 in Oct and Christian will be 17 in Jan are his boys from his first marriage. Brett and I have known each other since Sept 07 and dating since Dec 07. And of course little Eliana is mine from my past relationship.


Brett and his ex separated June 07. Anytime Frankie he'll be 11 in October is here for an overnight visit. He claims he can't sleep alone. He has also said he comes here to visit his dad so he should be allowed to sleep with him. If you don't let him he cries and I mean cries and then threatens that he is going to walked back to his mom's house.

Anytime either of Brett's boys do not get their way they cry literally and call their mom and want to go home. They always want to go to this or that store. They seem to think anytime they are with dad they need to go somewhere even if it's just to drive around. Anytime we do go anywhere they seems to think they need a video game or this or that. The thing is when they do get something they don't play with it or use for more then 10 minutes.

With Eliana she knows that if we go to St. Vincent De Paul (thrift store) she can get something there. I do not buy her anything from anywhere else. She is allowed one 20 cent toy (it's usually a fast food toy they have a huge bin of them), a movie which is 50 cents and a book that is 30 cents. I tell Eliana we don't have allot of money so she can only get things from St. Vincent De Paul. I'm teaching her the value of money at an early age. As when I grew up we weren't rich nor poor but we didn't get something each time we went to the store. So, she really is lucky. We got to St. Vincent De Paul anywhere from 2-4 times a month it all depends on how often I get into town. So I spend $2-4 dollars on her a month. She is so happy when we go there. And she knows exactly she can have those 3 items and she doesn't argue for more. On occasion I do get her something else but it's something I have seen not something she has picked out.

Tonight we let Frankie and Eliana sleep in the living room as we have air window conditioners. Only 3 rooms have them my office, living room and our bedroom. An hour ago Eliana was up as she had to go to the bathroom. When I came downstairs Brett was already up and had taken her. I asked where Frank was at. He said in our room. He waited till we were asleep to sneak in our room.

Brett and I talked for a few minutes and said Frankie's been through allot in the past year. I agree with that. He shares a room at home with his brother. But Frankie has always been like this he has never wanted to sleep in his room. He sneaks in his mom's room as well all the time. It's been like this since he was little. So, it really doesn't have anything to do with the separation and divorce.

And since Frank continues to whine and cry to sleep in our room. Then sneaks in after we've gone to sleep. Now Eliana is wanting to do it as well. Eliana's been through more changes then Frankie has in her short little life of 3 1/2 years. But I feel all kids should sleep in their own room. I can understand if a child has a nightmare or is sick. But they shouldn't sleep in their parents room all the time.

Here is another thing I sleep nude and feel real uncomfortable with him in there. I have severe insomnia so I toss and turn allot as it is. If I try to sleep with clothes on my insomnia gets worse. I absolutely have an issue with clothes rubbing on my hips while I'm laying down. I've always been this way.

I know we have to pick our battles with children as we can't always win. But I feel I should not back down on this one. What do you think?

[Teesa®©]

For an 11 year old to always want to sleep with his parents, there's obviously some issue there. I think that Brett should sit down with him one-on-one and man-to-man talk with him and see if he can figure out what's up with his son. At 11, he shouldn't be suffering from separation anxiety, so something's really bothering him.

Personally, I would stop with the buying of toys that they won't play with and if he threatens to walk home, well, call his bluff. Tell him to pack his suitcase and start walking. Buh bye, hon, have a nice walk. Wave at the door. Chances are, he won't leave, and if he does, you or Brett can follow him at a safe distance

I think that Brett should have a chit chat with his ex about this, too. Explain to her his thoughts and ask how she deals. I'm guessing [assuming Frankie IS doing this at home, too that it's driving her up the wall. Maybe they can come up with a plan. They'll need to be on the same page concerning this and also will have to be CONSISTANT... ALL the time!

If it's something deep that's bothering Frankie, maybe therapy needs to be looked into.

Good luck with it!!

[luvmykids]

It sounds like Frankie's mom and dad have both pretty much taught him to whine, cry and threaten in order to get his way If he pulls the same thing with both of them and they both justify it for him, why shouldn't he? I don't mean to make light of anything underlying, but the first step is for mom and dad to get on the same page. Second step is for dad to let him know what the rules/expectations are at your house. Even though some of this started before their divorce, I'd be willing to bet that the reason it's gone on so long is because of the guilt most parents feel when it happens.

Good luck, it will take a lot of talking, patience, and consistency

[sunrosejenn]

Thank you!

Every other weekend when he is here Brett talks with him. But he wakes up after we've gone to sleep and sneaks in our room. Off hand I do not think our door has a lock so we just can't lock it. And Eliana has an issue if you even close any door. I think she has a phobia of being trapped. I know it's driving his mom crazy as she mentioned it last week. But she never mentioned what she was doing to try to break him of doing it.

I do know that Frankie see's a therapist as he is ADHD and Bipolar (Brett doesn't believe he is bipolar as he doesn't show any of the proper symptoms). Frankie does have a habit of saying things and using his ADHD and Bipolar as a crutch. And we keep reminding him not too.

This comes up every other weekend and it's really starting to wear on me. Brett has a talk with him every time he is here and Frank says ok and agrees to it but then sneaks in a couple hours after we've all been asleep.

I do know that his mom tells Brett all the time he has to eat healthy foods and ecxerise and this and that. So then when it's time to eat he complains we don't have any food he likes or wants to eat. He always wants a lunchable and we remind him his mom's says he can't have those. But then we find out she feeds him lunchables all the time. But we are only trying to follow what she put in the divorce decree. When we tell Frank it's against what his mom says and the papers he says I don't care then cries. Food is one issue we don't give in on around here. We just can't afford to feed him lunchables 3 times a day like he wants. Every morning when he is here he wants chips and pop for breakfast. We don't keep pop in the house and chips are a special occasion. We don't keep allot of junk as Eliana passes up junk food for fruits and veggies 99% of the time. This is due to health issues and food aversions. She also has an intolerance to sugar.






This post has been edited by sunrosejenn on Jul 20 2008, 09:46 AM

[my2monkeyboys]

Just from what I hear, it sounds like this boy is playing all of you. For him to be doing this at 11 years of age -- I don't know -- that seems really strange. Does he ever have friends over for the night? If so, does he still sneak in the parents' rooms and throw crying fits over food?
How does his older brother act? Maybe he could help talk to him some?
This sounds like a tough situation, but unless both his mom and dad agree to some things I'm afraid it's going to be very difficult for you.

[sunrosejenn]

We've let him call to invite his friends overnight but they are busy with sports right now even through the entire summer. I do know he has spent the night at his friends house but that's not the same thing. I do not know if his mom lets him have friends over. His older brother does not cry over food or where he sleeps. It seems as time goes on its getting worse.

The funny thing is we started an allowance for all 3 kids. One of the conditions to getting the allowance is sleeping in his own room among a few other things. Nothing big things like cleaning his room, helping mow the yard, take out the trash, clean up after himself. He asked several times this weekend for his allowance and Brett said NO as he has not done anything to get it. And by nothing I mean he did nothing. Brett asked him to weed whack the tall grass around the trees. He came inside and played a video game.

He no longer gets anything from the store and after 3 months he still whines about getting a video game or this or that. Brett keeps telling him that he doesn't need a new video game as he hardly plays with the ones he has. And he still tries after he is told no. As soon as you say no a few times then he threatens he wants to go home to his mom. His mom doesn't buy him things like the way he wants either.

I found some articles online about this issue that I'm going to let Brett read and hopefully he can come to an agreement with his EX about getting this resolved. As I was there when she mentioned he did it at home and it drives her nuts.

If this had just start when they separated I'd be better understand of the situation. But his mom indicated last week in conversation he has been doing this since he was little. So, I know their is another issue. He throws out excuses but they don't make sense. Like he said this weekend he doesn't like sleeping alone. We let both kids sleep in the living room so he was not alone. He shares a room at home with his brother so he is not alone there. And he thinks because it's his visitation with his dad he should be able to sleep with him. But he does it to his mom as well and he lives with his mom full time.

Yes it's a hard situation and hopefully we can work something out soon. I really do not need Eliana starting to do the same thing that she see's Frank doing. I know food will not be an issue with Eliana as she hates sweets and begs for fruits and veggies even when sweets and junk are right in front of her. I'm worried about her starting a new bad sleep habit.

This post has been edited by sunrosejenn on Jul 21 2008, 07:59 AM