Whoa, what would you do, a hard one

Staci mentioned to me that one of Desiree's friends said something to her on Easter sunday about some text messages between Desiree and her boyfriend. This girl is one of Desiree's best friends and a cousin, she is 15 in high school and is very protective of Desiree and has let Desiree know a few times when she was acting out or pushing the limit and how she needed to calm down, she is very mature for her age and a mother type figure even though she is so young, she is wise beyond her years. OK so, Staci said that Nikki (Des's friend) walks up to her and says Staci I think you need to have a talk with Desiree about some of the things she and her boyfriend are texting back and forth to each other. Staci said what is it about, Nikki said put it this way you would just be extremely upset with Desiree. Staci said Nikki are they talking about sex...well as soon as Staci asked that question Des walked into the room and they had to shut up about it, Nikki just sort of gave a look as if to say yeah pretty much that is what they are talking about. So, Staci has tried to pick up Desiree's phone several times to check her texts and she deletes everything!! I was telling her that I also noticed the other day when she was on the phone with him, her and I were in the grocery store and she was behind me, she got really quiet and sort of giggly on the phone and was talking so low that I couldn't hear a word she was saying. I also found out, unbeknownst to Brian and I, that the night before Easter she was at MIL's house and MIL and FIL went to Bingo, leaving them alone (Des, Sabrina who is 15, and Kenny and Tyler, Sabrina's younger brother) which I don't agree with, Staci was on her way over there to get desiree though and when she pulled up Des's boyfriend a some of his friends were sitting outside and they all took off running. Staci did not tell Brian or myself any of this when it happened. Des made some crying plea to us that Staci was being mean and wouldn't let her stay at her mamaw's house no more because of her husband (she was playing her cards because in reality it had nothing to with Staci's husband, Des knew this would upset Brian so he'd let her go over her mamaw's house). I am baffled at her behavior. This is why I told Jeanne the other day I'm a little worried about her. So my question is, do I call our phone company to see if I can get a transcript of her text messages? Does anyone know if cell phone companies do this? Do I invade her privacy like that? I mean I talked with Staci about it and she said she may want me to do this but she isn't positive if she wants to invade her privacy like that. I'm at a loss.

I don't know if cell companies keep transcripts of messages, as that may be illegal. I would try to talk to her first, though, before sneaking around her phone. That's what I would want my parents to do, anyway. If she won't talk to you at all then maybe try to find out what is really going on. I wouldn't confront her about it, but try to do it in a way that will keep her from going on the defensive. That way she'll be more likely to talk.
Either way I hope you're able to talk it out with her and hopefully she's not making any mistakes she'll regret later on in life.

i doubt u can get the transcripts but if she chats online, i'd put a chat nanny on and see what she's up to before she makes a mistake she can't undo.

actually, i would try to talk to her first. if she continues to hide it then i would check things out.

i hope you get through to her.

I have no idea just wanted to send you some hugs!!

geez, I don't know what to tell you. Why doesn't Staci try to talk to Nikki some more to find out whats going on?

There is something you can buy that restores every text that was ever typed on your phone. It's never really deleted. I wish I knew what it was. I'm not sure that's the right answer anyway, just wanted to let you know it existed.

Sorry, don't have any suggestions for you. I'm sure a good talk with her would at least let her know you are concerned and that you are watching... I don't know if it would make her stop though.

It may be time for her mother to rethink letting a 13 yr old have a boyfriend whatsoever.

I think I'd try talking to her about it before trying to get the texts - she would probably really resent it if you tried to be sneaky about it. If she lies or just won't talk about it, then I wouldn't feel bad about sneaking.

I also agree that 13 is way too young to have a boyfriend in the first place, but I know some don't feel that way.

I'm not saying I don't agree, but I'll say I've been there done that as a teen and regardless of whether my parents "let me" have one, I had one anyways, so I'd rather her be open and honest about it than hide it, it's life. I guarantee 75% of kids her age have boyfriends/girlfriends

I also want to re-iterate that I went to a health fair in Nashville over the weekend as well and 30% of teenage girls around that age group are already having sex....so don't say that you will not let you child have a boyfriend....they will sneak

I had awesome parents they weren't overly strict or anything BUT when I was 13 I had a boyfriend my parents didn't know about several actually I was very sneaky. Never underestimate what a kid will do to get what he/she wants!!!

Its definitely better to be open and honest about it.. have ya'll sat down talked to her about all of this? Geez I remember those days and the pressure to do things you weren't really ready for

LeaAnn-
I think it's kind of beside the point what she is actually texting to this boy- where there's smoke, there's fire. This other girl obviously knows SOMETHING inappropriate is going on. The first question I would ask her is why she feels the need to delete all of her text messages. Forgive my utter ignorance here, LeaAnn, I've never done text messaging and I don't allow it on my kids's phones either. I would tell her, as my dh did with Alec and the internet, that she is forbidden from deleting text messages from the phone. I would let her know that the need to delete things implies that she is engaging in something she knows you guys would disapprove of, and even if you don't know exactly what that is, there's a violation of trust there. If she can't be trusted to follow your limits, maybe she doesn't deserve to have a phone for awhile??
She's obviously in a big rush to "grow up". You're right that you can't necessarily prevent her from having a bf, but as a 12 yo, you guys are still in complete control over her mobility (at least when she's with you). Don't allow her the kind of freedom that could put her in situations that she might not know how to get out of (or want to). At her age, she really shouldn't have that many opportunities to get alone with a boy long enough to be in a bad spot. Just watch the kind of socializing she's doing- and follow up. If she's going to the mall, make sure that's in fact, where she really went.
In my house, amount of freedom is commenserate with trustworthiness. If you're being sneaky, you're gonna get reigned in fast, b/c sneakiness implies guilt, kwim?
Good luck- keep us posted.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I don't think she deserves so much freedom as a 12 y.o. She's still a child.

As a parent of a daughter that is about to turn 13 and has pulled some pretty big stuff regarding MSN. I think you should sit down and talk to her, find out what is going on. I find this works better when you're not really talking about, like going to the mall or making dinner. Have you meet her boyfriend yet? (Sorry if someone already asked). I don't know if you can get transcripts of her text messages, but I think I would look into it. We have all of DD's MSN messages copied to a file that she can't access, but she is aware that we are doing this. I hope things work out!

I dont have a 13 yr old, but how would they sneak if you dont give them the chance to?

If my kid only goes to school & then goes home, and I dont let my kid go somewhere unsupervised @ 13, and I talk with the parents of friends whose house my kid might go to to make sure they arent going to allow that, its going to be next to impossible for my kid to sneak.

I certainly had no chance to "sneak" around @ age 13 with a boy.

Not to mention I'd make it clear as day to my kid if he/she was having sex @ 13, and I found out, they wouldnt have a life, AT ALL, for a long long long time.

This post has been edited by Cece00 on Apr 2 2008, 04:37 PM

I agree.

Except I wouldnt give my 13 yr old ANY opportunities to be alone with a boy.

I think disabling text messaging on her phone is a good idea, too.

or take it away all together. there is no law that says a 12/13 yr old HAS to have a phone & obviously she isnt behaving herself, so if this was my kid, she would be losing that phone for inappropriate behavior.

I dont have a 13 yr old, but how would they sneak if you dont give them the chance to?

If my kid only goes to school & then goes home, and I dont let my kid go somewhere unsupervised @ 13, and I talk with the parents of friends whose house my kid might go to to make sure they arent going to allow that, its going to be next to impossible for my kid to sneak.

I certainly had no chance to "sneak" around @ age 13 with a boy.

Not to mention I'd make it clear as day to my kid if he/she was having sex @ 13, and I found out, they wouldnt have a life, AT ALL, for a long long long time.

My sister and I weren't allowed to date until we were 16, and so we just didn't, plain and simple. We never would have gone against my parents or sneaked behind their backs. I have to admit that at 13 I was a lot less "grown up" than 13 year olds today seem to be, but I did have my first crush that summer so I wasn't oblivious or anything.

IMO you or her mother should have a talk with her before you determine consequences. See what she has to say for herself - and then determine the appropriate course of action based on what she says and whether you think she's telling the truth.

And personally, I wouldn't automatically assume that deleting her texts is a sign that she's hiding something. I delete all of my text messages as soon as I'm done with them and I have nothing to hide. I also delete or file all of my emails immediately upon answering them - I just hate to have a cluttered inbox.

I am in agreement that she shouldn't have much freedom, I argue this with everyone. Brian has no clue what she can get into as a 12 yo girl, her mom is just now starting to crack down and Des is having a hard time accepting it...big time! She doesn't have any "alone time" with any of these boys that we have known about it, we are just finding this stuff out about her grandma letting it happen, so believe me, we were all fired up when we found out. Brian had a long talk with his mom and jumped her butt over it and Staci forbid her to stay the night there for a long time to come. As far as the text messaging I agree as well, I told both of them she was way too young for a phone, I couldn't believe it when I saw that every single one of her friends had one, I thought Des would be the only one. She is too spoiled but she's not my child...I can only say my piece, things will be much different wtih my kids and I think Brian is starting to realize some things now.

As far as your comment CeCe about not getting a chance to sneak around, honey you're in for a rude awakening, I'm not trying to be mean at all so I'm very sorry if I come across that way. My parents were so up my butt it wasn't even FUNNY, and I literally mean up my butt. They watched my every move, timed me, didn't let me do hardly anything growing up and where did that lead me, sneaking out of the house at 13 and 14 years old at 3am in the morning Don't tell me they can't sneak!!!

Yeah, I had to laugh about the sneaking. Rule #1...don't ever say your child won't do something. Just be on guard or you're in for a real treat. Kids sneak. It's all part of being a kid. Both of my kids are sneaky right now. I expect it. I just have to think of how to handle it now and when they get older.

Oh such wise words.....Kylie tries to be sno sneaky now. I'm not sure hardly anyone could say they weren't sneaky around their parents at some point in their life.

I'm with you Lea Ann. Don't ever for a second think, "Not my child..........."

Whew, that is tough in general but even more when you're the step. I run into the same kind of thing with Nikka all the time but since I'm not her "parent" I get vetoed a lot and it's tough .

I don't have any advice, we're dealing with this with Nikka now. Not quite so extreme but the phone thing is out of control. On vacation all she wanted to do was go in a bed room and talk or text, so we changed the rules for the phone. She was allowed to talk or text for 15 minutes, then had to be off for an hour and at 9pm it was off for the night. I don't know if maybe lessening the amount of time she can use the phone would help, we also kept Nikka super busy.

I know 12/13yos these days are far more grown up than we were at that age but it hasn't swayed me to believe that it means I have to allow her to do everything "most" kids that age are doing

LeaAnn, I'm not sure what you should do. It complicates things that she isn't "your" child and that you have her mother to deal with. Certainly someone should talk to her and find out what is actually going on. If it were my child and we did find out they were doing something inappropriate they would be leashed in so fast it would make their head spin. If my children step out of bounds they will lose all privileges and they will have to prove to us that they can be trusted again and will gradually be allowed to have them back. My kids are young and pretty obedient at this point so I have never had to do anything drastic but if and I mean IF anything ever happens they will know there will be serious consequences.

I'm really amazed by everyone who expects their children to sneak around or go out of bounds. I'm sorry but I will not do that. Is it possible that my children will do things that I don't approve of? Of course it is-I'm not naive, but to assume they will is, I believe, a discredit to myself as a parent, and also to them. I am raising my children to the best of my ability to be obedient, moral kids and I do expect them to follow the rules that they are under while they live under our roof and, hopefully, beyond. My parents were very strict, if I strayed one toe out of line I was in for it. But they didn't just have rules for me, they taught me why those rules were in place and what would happen if I were to disobey and, for the most part, I didn't stray. I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16 and guess what, I didn't and Jas was my first. Most would probably call me a goody-goody and that's fine. I have very few things in my life that I regret and I want that for my children as well. And yes, I had a wonderful childhood.

This post has been edited by 4littleladies on Apr 3 2008, 08:25 PM

That's my point right there. Everyone strays. Nobody is perfect. I do expect my kids to try to sneak and get by with things. Of course I'm raising them to know there will be consequences if they do, but that doesn't mean they won't try. I should only get so lucky if they never do try. If they end up being the teenager I was or the teenager Scotty was then I wont' have a very big job ahead of me. We were good kids as well, but I'm not going to pretend that there aren't peer pressures out there and I will be well prepared when and if my child ever does try to pull the wool over my eyes. It's human nature to want to do bad things. It's against our will to always do the best thing. Kids will be kids. But I'll be on top of them like white on rice if they step out of line. Just b/c I expect it, doesn't mean I wouldn't do anything about it. I refuse to say that it wont' happen just b/c I expect more of them. I can't control them that much. Oh how I wish I could.