I know that this isn't a loss board, so it seems a bit silly to me to post all that I want to in this thread, and put it on this board but... Oh well! LOL -- no seriously... I appreciate so much all the kind words, the PMs and support you folks have given me here, and I wanted to update just a little on how we are doing after our loss of baby Naomi.

I have been working through a book called "Silent Cradle" by Judy Gordon Morrow and Nancy Morrow. The book is just superb, and it has excellent reflections and journal focuses for those who have lost a baby while pregnant, at birth, or even thereafter. Okay, so we're working through this book -- I'm working through it really and sharing with DH as this is a huge travel-time for him with work so he is around in the evenings but too tired really to work through the book intensively on his own right now -- I realized, as I am journalling along that we still have a big sense of loss (which I guess we rather buried before now... ) for the first two babies we lost years ago, since we never named them. There was this emptiness there, without even names for those two babies. We did name the last two we miscarried (Naomi, and the baby we lost in 1997), and it did seem to help us have more of a sense of identity for them. So -- we decided to name the other two babies we lost!

So... (trumpet blast) ta da!! Now I am running all over like a mad woman, elated to be sharing the names of our children -- ALL 10 of them! -- on the EC's and parenting boards I frequent. Here we go!!

I am Mama to six babies in my arms:

Matthew Jeffrey, Andrew Philip, Nathan Isaiah, Emma Christina, Jacob Samuel and Zachary John.

I am also Mama to four babies in Jesus' Arms:

Damaris Avivah, Dannah Miriam, Talyah Zemirah and now, Naomi Hannah.

And yes -- we have a couple of name choices left (roflol) even after all that, both for boy and girl, just in case we conceive again (we are still unsure about whether to go for another pregnancy, but my hopes are getting a bit higher now, and I am feeling more like I might want to endure the risk of pregnancy loss again... not quite there yet, but I'm still working through the miscarriage...)

Just wanted to share!! Basically I am doing pretty well and I think some of that is due to the fact that I try to embrace and really experience fully whatever comes my way... I can't imagine how much harder it would have been for me with this loss (since I carried Naomi so long before losing her, and it hit us so very hard as it is) to have not allowed myself to feel whatever it is I would feel, so I can really grieve. I have up days and down days -- nights are harder than the daytimes, for sure. But all in all, even in the midst of still dealing and healing, I do think things are going well and certainly as I expected.

I keep hearing and reading that the little milestones that were to have been during the pregnancy and birth year etc. are terribly hard, and people try to avoid them and the pain of remembering -- so I am trying a different route: I bought a pretty daytimer-like personal organizer, with just lovely and very "baby" themes in it... (if anyone wants to get an idea what it is like, you can look at WalMart in the notebook/office supply areas, and the organizer is called "gifts of time" put out by "Flavia" -- an artist? or a poet? I dunno LOL) Anyway -- the front cover has a crescent moon filled with little stars that spill over the sides and down, like little falling stars, and the pastel colors, hearts, moons, stars and suns all through the book are very baby-like... soothing. The whole message of the organizer runs throughout: HOPE. a quote from the pages for the week of April 28 through May 4 (the week I both found out Naomi had died, and miscarried her a few days later) says this: " Hope, like love, transcends all time. It is the song inside your heart that never stops singing." Ironically I suppose, but also sad-sweetly, the quote for the week I tested positively pregnant, is this: "The greatest risk in life is not risking at all. We must plant seeds before flowers can grow."

At the back of the organizer are a good amount of pages for "notes" and I am using those as my journal pages. I have begun writing all of the significant dates of Naomi's short life with us here in the organizer, and letting it be a remembrance and a way to embrace every single special day that would have been ours together this year (she was due Nov 18th)... the weeks counting by... (I marked a new week of gestation every Sunday morning, and will write them each week anyway, every Sunday)... the days that would have marked the slip from trimester to trimester... I wrote down the days we told special people about the pregnancy and I will be writing down having to tell everyone we lost the baby in the story of the day I miscarried. I also recorded the doctor visit, ultrasound and miscarriage during that sad week that began our walk into grieving for Naomi as well. Rather than run from the days that represent milemarkers that were to have been special in our pregnancy and birth, I want to capture each one, embrace it and let it be special in its own small way as a day to remember my sweet, silent baby. I am really hoping that in doing this I won't be in quote such a state of intensive loss for quote so lingeringly long as some others I know have been, though if that's the case, okay -- I'll embrace that too... but I already feel the "fog" lifting since I bought the organizer, got the book on grieving, and also emailed with a midwife in my state who gave me a lot of hope for the future should I conceive again.

Okay -- another book from Zem. Thanks to all who read this far!!

This post has been edited by +Zemirah+ on May 18 2003, 11:03 AM

First let me start by saying that I love the names you chose -- what beautiful names all of your children have. Second, I want to say that I wish I had met you three years ago when we lost Joshua. I might have reached the place I am today a bit sooner if I had had your insight.

I think the journal is a great idea. One of the things that bothered me most is that everyone avoided the subject of Joshua.... but deep down inside, that is the opposite of what I wanted. Please don't feel bad about posting here because it is not a loss board... it is a forum for parents come and share our experiences together, whether it makes us laugh or cry. I would love to hear more about Naomi, or any of your children, anytime you want to talk.

Hugs!

Dee Dee

Bless your heart!

I second that remark. I think we are here for each other whether thru good, or bad. We all, of course, hope for the good, but realize that may not always be the case. We do hope that you keep sharing with us, and realize that we appreciate any of your advice.

Take care, hun -

I agree with what they said. I could not imagine what it would be like to loose a baby, or child. You are one brave woman and I admire that.

I have not lost any childern but I did attend a funeral last october for a friend who was 26 and passed away from a heart problem, the sadiest things were I had just attended her wedding 2 1/2 weeks before she passed away, but thats not all her sister had dies form the same thing 3 years ago. I was good friend with the entire family and I cant imagine how her parents feel now. I know they were just really staring to deal with the first daughters death and now their second died. I am so sad for them, I really hope they are doing ok, I have not heard from them in a while.

You are in my thoughts! Same with you Dee Dee with Joshua. It broke my heart when I heard you had misscarried.

Di, I am so sorry about your friend! That must have been a tremendous shock to you all and how sad to hear she was so young and just beginning her married life What a painful thing for her parents.... Within just a few days after I lost Naomi, I read about two babies that were full-term and died at birth, one for no apparent reason, and the other for placental abruption. It made me think -- again -- that it would be even worse to lose a full-term baby, than to lose an early pregnancy has been, after all the months of planning and excitement, anticipating the birth and bringing baby home. How incredibly painful it must be to lose adult children in the prime of their lives!! I feel so much for that family Di!

Last October, a co-worker of my husband (a man he worked very closely with for about 10 years) was killed tragically, taking down a tree in his yard. It jarred us so much -- he was the first person to die out of our circle of friends (unlike those we have lost -- elderly family who died after lengthy illness and what not). He was older (60) and he was very grampa-like to our children and oh my, they were SO impacted and upset for a number of weeks... longer, in fact, than it has taken them with baby Naomi, since they knew him so personally and for so many years, I think.

to you too Di, and thanks so much for sharing!

Zemirah, I think it was a good thing to give your babies names (which are beautiful names). I hope it helped put things at ease for you. I can't tell you what a wonderful person you are and what a incredable life you have led. I have never lost anyone close to me so I have no clue what your going through, I could only imagine. You have alot of insight where alot of us have non. People that come here looking for answers will definatly appricate talking to you. You will help alot of women in the future, so don't ever stop typing. I like hearing all about you, about everyone in fact.
So please keep posting and get everything off you chest , it helps. I hope everything goes better for you.Keep your spirits up. Gotta smile
Talk to you soon.
Oh I wanted to ask , do you by any chance have any pictures of you children I would love to see them.

I do! We got a new compter recently and it has taken me forever to get some pics uploaded onto it, but now... I'm not sure how to share them here ( ) don't LOL at me -- I used to know how to do all sorts of things on the phpBB boards but... now I am having brain drain. ANYway -- I know there's a post here somewhere about it and I am looking for it and maybe I can finally get a pic on here. I am usually very shy about sharing online the pics and names of my children but I am coming out of that a bit again here.

It's very easy to put a picture in your avatat, it's the sig pic I can't do.lol If you need any help let me know.

well see my big problem is I have this rotten new photo software and I hate it -- DH the techie loves it and I am wanting to pull my hair out every time I try to do anything with the pics I uploaded so -- I'm gonna wait until DH can help me this weekend LOL

Let me start off by saying how much I admire your strength. What an incredibly healthy way to be dealing with such a difficult loss in your life. The names you have chosen for your children are lovely. I hope you feel comfortable enough to continue posting here, as we'd love to get updates on you and your brood!

Take care,
Amy

We'll all be waiting in suspense!

Here's the thread on how to upload an avatar (pic to the left)
http://forums.parentingclub.com/index.php?...ct=ST&f=3&t=170

Here's the thread on how to upload a signature picture (but looks like you have that figured out)
http://forums.parentingclub.com/index.php?...ct=ST&f=3&t=856

And, if you just wan to upload a picture as part of your message, save it to your harddrive, and use hte "browse" button below the message you are typing to find it on your computer. You may have to resize the photo.. if it is too big (file size) then it will just error.

HTH! Can't wait to see your munchkins!

Zem I read your post from start to finish and have incredible sorrow for your loss. I did not read the replies because I wanted what I said to be my words and not influenced by what I have read. You sound like the strongest Mother I have ever come across in my life. The passion and grief that come from your words gave me goose bumps. I am thankful you have found a outlet and can share your feelings so openly. I would do anything to be as strong as you. God Bless you and your family. Thank you for giving me a little piece of sanity tonight.

Thank you so much, Sammy's Mom...

Today has been more difficult for me and it definitely seems to be a day-by-day thing.

I want to tell you all how very much your responses have meant to me... mean to me each time I read them! I am humbled and awestruck at the outpouring of kindness and love I have received from you moms on the few boards I go to a lot. It has just blessed me so much! Most of the time, my dh just takes in what I say and doesn't feedback very often, so I feel rather alone in this process sometimes -- then when he is ready to talk, it's obvious all the things I say to him at the other times has been rolling around in his head and he is working through and processing too, but we do it differently from one another. So for me, this board... you ladies... the other boards where I feel comfortable enough to share... you are all irreplaceable to me, truly. It helps so much to just have people listen and RESPOND too! (LOL -- I know -- I know. That's what message boards are sorta, um, FOR Zemi!) LOL

Anyway -- thank you all again.

Zemi,
I know what you mean about this board and being able to express yourself and feel comfortable while doing it. I am so sorry you had a down day. All DH's deal in their own way and eventually want to talk, by that time your on to a new emotion or feeling..If you ever need to just talk, I am here.

Zemi, Hugs! I am sorry you had such a rough day. As for your DH, I am sure he is dealing with the grief in his own way. I feel kind of weird saying this since my DH will read this, but when we had our loss, I think he kept a lot of things in. I think he was trying to be strong for me. He was my rock during the entire ordeal. Your DH may be totally different, but it might help if you let your DH know that it is ok to show some emotions and express himself. Tell him how you are feeling. I didn't do such a good job of that, and now I wish I had.

Hey all... I am just popping in to say I won't be around for awhile. I am really having a hard time right now and just seem to be avoiding the parenting/pregnancy/breastfeeding forums I am on. I think I just need osme time, because most of the time when I come online, I pass over my links to parenting forums anymore, and don't visit very often. Dee Dee, I don't know if this presents a problem for you folks... I understand if you need to replace me as mod of this forum since I won't be around much. I won't be gone long, I don't think... but I needed to post and let you all know I'm just really struggling, yk? Naomi's rose bush has started blooming, and life seems to be moving on all around me... but... I don't seem to be right now... I think I just need to get outside, get away some, get in the sunshine and breathe... kwim?

Hugs to you all, and love. I'll be back.

~z~

Zem, I hope that you can find some peace. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

And you will be in my thoughts and prayers also- . Take care and do come back and say hey when you feel up to it......