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Parenting Club Forums > General Relationships > Internet chatting

Posted by: :.Mrs_Mommy.: Apr 14 2008, 08:11 PM

I was wondering what everyones thoughts were on Internet chatting. Whether you do it or if your SO does, if not why? Am I being completely jealous and crazy or what? Just a little info on me and why I'm asking... DH and I used to chat alot (years ago) but it started getting between us. We quit to save our relationship. It seemed like 90% of the conversations with online chatting turned to s*x and it made/makes me very uncomfortable. It was not to long ago that I found out he was chatting through yahoo again and so I put an IMLock on the computer, that was a fight lemme tell you! He was offended that I would lock him out of his own computer. Anyway it started messing up the computer so I uninstalled it. I found out today that he is chatting again and he told me he chatted with this girl he has know for years (before I met him) but they only have never met face to face. Their "friendship" was a bit risque before and it bothers me that he is chatting. He told me my jealousy is "completely out of control" and it doesn't matter what he talks about because the people he talks to are hundreds of miles away and he will never meet them. He said it is his only way to have friends and I should understand that.

Posted by: mckayleesmom Apr 14 2008, 08:47 PM

Well....Me and Leithan met online in a chat room. I was in a relationship at the time although me and Leithans talking never excalated to a sexual or relationship level at the time. I never did anything to jeapardize my relationship while talking to Leithan. It didn't even cross my mind at the time. We ended up talking for about 5 years before meeting and 2 breakups later. Between my 1st breakup and my new relationship we were suppose to meet, but I was to chicken to meet someone from the computer... . Something came up and we couldn't meet at the time anyways and I started dating someone else. I put my all in that relationship too and it failed. He also had relationships that failed. We finally realized how similar we were in our values and stuff and we already knew everything about each other....So we met and 6 months later we were married and have been together for almost 6 years now. My first ex I don't talk to at all, but I do speak with my second ex about once a week or so. We were friends before dating...and I just don't think we should have ever dated. Dh still thinks he wants me, but he is respectful of my marriage and so am I. Leithan knows I talk to him and has never had a problem with it, he has even met him before. We usually talk about our kids or mutual friends we have. He has a little boy that was born right around the same time as Russell...so we compare. Now....if he was bringing up sexual things ...then I would cut all contact..That would be disrespectful to my husband and my marriage. Also...if you are uncomfortable with your husband talking to her, then he should respect that and stop. If my husband had a problem with it...then I would stop. I don't think I would go behind his back and put IM blockers either though. Why? Because he is a grown man and he should do it on his own. He should have that much respect for you. If he was cheating or talking dirty to someone....he could do it a number of ways besides the computer. He should want to do this for you. My dh's ex once sent him a picture of herself naked in an email....My dh called me over to show me and imediatly banned her from his account. I didn't have to ask him to and you shouldn't have to treat him like a little kid. Kwim? Personally...I define cheating as doing something your husband/wife wouldn't want to catch you doing, causing hurt feelings in the marriage or doing something that makes your spouse uncomfortable with the situation. Im not saying your husband is cheating....the fact that he told you he was chatting again probably means he isn't, but if you don't like it and your feelings are being hurt....then he needs to stop.

Posted by: mckayleesmom Apr 14 2008, 08:48 PM

BTW...I don't usually chat with people I don't know either though. I didn't even really mean to talk to Leithan online. We were invited by a mutual friend in a chatroom and they ditched us.

Posted by: :.Mrs_Mommy.: Apr 14 2008, 08:53 PM

That makes sense. Thank you.

Posted by: mckayleesmom Apr 14 2008, 08:56 PM

QUOTE (:.Mrs_Mommy.: @ Apr 14 2008, 11:53 PM) That makes sense. Thank you. Your welcome. I hope he comes to see it your way. He probably isn't doing anything if he told you he was chatting, but still. Also...I didn't mean cheating.....more like a little betrayal going on....Just couldn't think of a better word for it.

Posted by: :.Mrs_Mommy.: Apr 14 2008, 09:07 PM

Yeah betrayal does feel like the best word for it. I want to trust him and do in most everything, sometimes I just feel like I am one of "those" wives: jealous, demanding...in a word- crazy. I probably just need to back off a bit and talk to him heart-to-heart. Your probably right, if he told me he probably isn't doing anything.

Posted by: mckayleesmom Apr 14 2008, 09:19 PM

QUOTE (:.Mrs_Mommy.: @ Apr 15 2008, 12:07 AM) Yeah betrayal does feel like the best word for it. I want to trust him and do in most everything, sometimes I just feel like I am one of "those" wives: jealous, demanding...in a word- crazy. I probably just need to back off a bit and talk to him heart-to-heart. Your probably right, if he told me he probably isn't doing anything. Well...You might feel like "that wife", but by him not respecting your wishes..How else are you suppose to feel? In a way..he is making you feel all those things. Most woman and men would get just as suspicious if their spouse was refusing to stop.

Posted by: :.Mrs_Mommy.: Apr 14 2008, 09:45 PM

I think I am definately going to sit down and talk with him tomorrow or soon. I want to get the thoughts in order so I don't just start blabbing and not have any valid points (which I have been known to do, man that is frusterating!).

Posted by: Sam & Abby's Mom Apr 14 2008, 09:51 PM

QUOTE (:.Mrs_Mommy.: @ Apr 14 2008, 11:11 PM) He told me my jealousy is "completely out of control" and it doesn't matter what he talks about because the people he talks to are hundreds of miles away and he will never meet them. You see,, I disagree with that. I dont care how far away the people he's chatting with are,,,,,,,,,,, he's a married man and it DOES matter what he's chatting about. Maybe I'm old fashioned,,, but I would totally have an issue with my dh chatting with another woman alot. I agree, you should definitely talk to him and discuss your feelings. Good luck -- I know situations like this are hard to work through, sometimes.

Posted by: Boys r us Apr 15 2008, 09:53 AM

I would kick my husband's @$$ if he were talking to other women online. I think it's out of line for a married man to do that. Period, end of story and I, for the record, am not a jealous person. My DH has had a couple of girls from his college days look him up and send him a random email just wanting to say hi and see where life had taken him and I was fine with a couple of emails back and forth and he always let me read them before he replied..saying he wanted to make sure it sounded okay before he sent it(but I really know it was his way of letting me read what was being said without having to have the conversation of was this okay or not kwim?! ...but just striking up conversation for the sake of doing it and having ongoing communications online with the opposite sex is crossing the line!

Posted by: luvmykids Apr 15 2008, 09:58 AM

No way, no how, it simply is not appropriate. I don't blame you a bit for your reaction. I am not a jealous person either but there are some things that I just don't think are cool and chatting like that is one of them.

Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 15 2008, 10:24 AM

Nope, not acceptable at all!!! You have every right to feel uncomfortable about it. It's best not to plant that seed. There's no reason he should be chatting with another woman, ever. He has a wife.

Posted by: Calimama Apr 15 2008, 10:35 AM

I don't think you're overreacting one bit!!

Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 15 2008, 10:51 AM

The only internet chatting that I have done is in Christian chatrooms. I've never had any turn sexual, so I can't say too much on that. But I can say if it did I would end the conversation quickly, I think it could turn dangerous fast no matter how far the other person lives from you. It would upset me if DH was chatting with other women. It can just turn dangerous pretty fast......

Posted by: My2Beauties Apr 15 2008, 11:11 AM

I don't think you are overreacting, I would be crushed if I found out my husband were doing that. Thank God my husband has no clue how to use the 'puter much less IM or e-mail anyone. He still thinks an e-mail starts with www.

Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 15 2008, 11:52 AM

QUOTE (My2Beauties @ Apr 15 2008, 02:11 PM) I don't think you are overreacting, I would be crushed if I found out my husband were doing that. Thank God my husband has no clue how to use the 'puter much less IM or e-mail anyone. He still thinks an e-mail starts with www. LOL!! That's my husband too!!!

Posted by: Teesa®© Apr 15 2008, 12:15 PM

I would never presume to control my DH by telling him whom he could and couldn't talk to. He has just as much right to have grrl friends as guy friends. And I sure wouldn't read his emails. He is an adult and I will treat him as such by not dictating whom he talks to. Talking to someone is not cheating. I could honestly care less whom he talks to. I trust my DH inexplicitly. I know he has tons of grrls in his Facebook and I don't know who most of them are. It doesn't bother me that I don't know who they are. I'm sure he chats with grrls online and I'm kewl with that. I also know that once and a while he looks at online porn. That I'm not kewl with because too many of those sites will give you narsties [I've had to clean his puter]. I'd rather he rent the movies or bought magazines [and yes, he has boxes of those], you can't get a virus from them [OK, maybe if someone sneezed on it previously, but that's pushing it ]

Posted by: kimberley Apr 15 2008, 12:29 PM

i would have a problem with that also. btdt and was separated twice because of it. we now have "rules" for the internet. old friends are fine to talk to as long as the conversations do not cross the lines of respect for my marriage. if they do, they are gone. new female friends are a no no. he can have them or me but not both. same goes for the naughty sites. once the tables turned, he finally saw how hurtful it was for someone outside our marriage to "interfere" and me do nothing about it and just continue talking. hope u get through to him.

Posted by: Cece00 Apr 15 2008, 04:40 PM

No way would I want my husband chatting to other women online. That is completely unacceptable in our marriage- I dont do it with men, either. & the fact that he does it as soon as the lock is off the comp & was mad that you locked it....I dont know, we'd be having a BIG problem. I think he is being pretty disrespectful to you, honestly.

Posted by: redchief Apr 15 2008, 04:45 PM

Internet chat is no different than other forms of communication. That means that there are appropriate and inappropriate conversations. I used to IRC chat years ago, and I always thought whole idea of cybering was just silly. That all being said, I was surprised to find that this chat form was still popular.

Posted by: :.Mrs_Mommy.: Apr 15 2008, 05:15 PM

Thank you all for making me feel like I'm not crazy.

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