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| Parenting Club Forums > General Relationships > Adultery, is this normal for marriage nowadays? |
| Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 14 2008, 03:35 PM |
| There has been a lot of adultery being revealed on the news lately. The governor of New York, the mayor of Detroit, etc. that this has been a hot topic between my friends and I lately and I'm just wondering if this is something that is becoming socially acceptable. Personally, in my family there is not one marriage that has not had some kind of cheating taking place and many, many divorces. Since I can not look at the relationships surrounding me as faithful marriages, I am wondering how many people are in faithful marriages and still in their first marriage.  I guess I'm just wondering how others think on this subject. |
| Posted by: boyohboyohboy Apr 14 2008, 03:39 PM |
| I do not think it happens in all marriages. i do think that men, at least speaking from what my own dh has said, is that you have to make a conscious effort not to watch things that are provoking and things that make your mind wonder into those thoughts..it starts with thoughts..then can go anywhere. I cant imagine doing something like that to my husband let alone being responsible for tearing apart my family, just thinking of the kids.... i would/could never |
| Posted by: lovemy2 Apr 14 2008, 03:43 PM |
| I would never say never because I don't think anything in life is guaranteed but I could safely say neither DH or I would cheat..... |
| Posted by: MomToJade&Jordan Apr 14 2008, 03:45 PM |
| It happened in mine, but I don't believe that it happens in every marriage. |
| Posted by: gr33n3y3z Apr 14 2008, 03:54 PM |
| Not all men cheat nor woman I believe many people dont take marriages seriously any more its like a game I know I never cheated on my husband of almost 25 years nor has he ever cheated on me so it can be done. |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 14 2008, 04:39 PM |
| I've known far more women who have strayed than men. |
| Posted by: Cece00 Apr 14 2008, 05:21 PM |
| No, I dont think cheating is the norm for marriage. I think more people should stay within the confines of their marriage, too. I dont know why so many ppl think its acceptable to cheat these days- its not. |
| Posted by: boyohboyohboy Apr 14 2008, 05:53 PM | ||
I agree, and wanted to add, why would adding another person to an already messed up marriage make it any better? and the grass is hardly greener..... |
| Posted by: Boys r us Apr 14 2008, 05:59 PM |
| No I don't think it's normal. I know my DH and I have discussed it as I always had a bit of a notion that men tend to cheat b/c they're more animalistic and are driven on physical desire. But he says he has WAY too much of a conscience to ever cheat. I completely belive and trust him. He is a big family guy! Now, I'm not nieve enough to think it could NEVER happen, but I honestly don't believe it will b/c he is not one to put himself in temptations way. Occaisionally, he'll go out and have a couple of beers with his 2 guy friends he hangs out with, but they are both married and happen to be married to my two best friends..so we all trust the three of them out together b/c I don't think it would be acceptable amongst themselves for one of them to stray when out with the others. Other then that, he doesn't go or do anything without me besides go to work and he works on a military base in an underground bunker with all IT men! |
| Posted by: redchief Apr 14 2008, 06:22 PM |
| We're all human. That can be translated as animalistic, and provide and excuse for infidelity. But we're also cognizant and know the difference between right and wrong. Even more important is our human ability to resist temptation regardless of ancestral imprint. There are a lot of people that think that cheating on a spouse or SO is OK. I don't. I also believe that people who cheat on the person they say they love will just as quickly, or more so, cheat in other areas of their lives, including business. So person who cheats on their spouse, to me, is automatically untrustworthy in society. And yes, I believe that if you cheat once, you are more than capable of doing it again. Do I think that all people who have cheated will cheat again? Not necessarily, but I do think that those people are more prone to cheat in the future. |
| Posted by: luvmykids Apr 14 2008, 07:05 PM |
| ITA Ed, I think it's important to understand the root of it, which is a lot more to do with someone making the choice to do it than it is about someones nature. And I completely agree that if a person cheats on their spouse, it makes them less trustworthy in general imo. To answer your question, I'm not sure if more people are having affairs these days, or if we just hear about it more, but either way, it's very sad that it has become so accepted  |
| Posted by: A&A'smommy Apr 14 2008, 07:11 PM |
| no I do not think it happens in every marriage, I know my dad cheated on my mom and then my mom turned around and slept with another man (revenge) they ALMOST got a divorce and then turned around and have made their marriage successful he deeply regrets it to this day. But my grandparents were married for 53 years and they NEVER cheated on each other.. and I know SEVERAL others who have been married for a long time and never cheated it can be done. I don't know why so many people get married if they are just going to turn around and cheat |
| Posted by: :.Mrs_Mommy.: Apr 14 2008, 07:30 PM |
| I don't think it is normal at all and I really hope it never becomes normal. That would be a sad day for all families. |
| Posted by: Teesa®© Apr 14 2008, 07:37 PM |
| I come from a very large family [I think we're slowing manipulating the population of Ontario, LOL] and there has never been any cheating or wandering. I'm the first person in the history of my family to ever divorce - although a brother did follow suit several years later. That was due a total breakdown of the family after their child's suicide. My family has been incredibly lucky in the sense that everyone found a S/O that was great in every way. My parents have been married to each other for the past 60+years. DH and I have been together for 18 years now, and although we never got married, there's no thought of cheating. You couldn't pay either of us any amount of money in the world to do so. |
| Posted by: coasterqueen Apr 15 2008, 05:06 AM | ||
Same here. I don't think we can label it just men anymore. It's an unfair stereotype. |
| Posted by: ~Roo'sMama~ Apr 15 2008, 05:14 AM | ||
My thoughts exactly.  I agree even though it seems to be pretty common, it's not the norm. |
| Posted by: lisar Apr 15 2008, 05:25 AM |
| I dont think its more common I just think we hear about it more. However I dont think ALL men cheat. And I dont think society is accepting it that much either. I wouldnt stand by my man if he cheated. I know like the govoner of new york and his wife standing by him that had to be humiliating for her. It would have been for me. |
| Posted by: My2Beauties Apr 15 2008, 06:50 AM |
You know I honestly would say that I think women are more likely to cheat than men, I agree with Aimee  No I do not think it is the norm, I think most marriages that end nowadays is over other unresolved issues, while you do hear of infidelity in marriage, I don't think it's the #1 reason for divorce. I have been with DH for 6 years, married for almost 3 and I have never ever cheated on him and I have no desire to do so and I know my DH has never cheated on me, I just know. If he has or ever will, it'd be a huge SHOCKER to me. I'm not saying NEVER because well...you should never say never but I think it's highly unlikely our marriage would ever fail because of infidelity. I honestly think DH and I are soulmates  we get along together on ever aspect of pretty much everything. Sure we bump heads sometimes, but we barely argue and we laugh together a LOT, I think that is so key to a happy life together. We apologize quickly, never stay mad, laugh a lot, and learn and grow together Boy I got sentimental didn't I?  |
| Posted by: mommy~to~a~bunch Apr 15 2008, 07:15 AM |
| I think both men & women cheat about the same. I've known equal of both who have. I think it's more common now, as people are more selfish and only think about their needs & wants, instead of their marriage or family as a whole and for the long term. If someone wants to cheat, they will, regardless of gender, but I think it's more common for men to in general. |
| Posted by: DVFlyer Apr 15 2008, 07:30 AM | ||
Phew... I'm glad you said it before I did.  Yes, some "people" cheat. I think it's always been like this but we hear about it more these days because of how freely news travels. The difference today is that more and more people are getting divorced v.s. the "old days" where people would stay together. FWIW- I also know far more woman who've cheated on their man v.s. the men doing the cheating. |
| Posted by: lisar Apr 15 2008, 08:23 AM | ||
 |
| Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 15 2008, 08:26 AM |
| Thank you, you have all made me feel a lot better. I've really been feeling down in the dumps about this lately because I'm surrounded by a lot of people that label " men" as cheaters. My own mother told me not to let my husband get a vasectomy because then I can't tell WHEN he cheats on me. I have been with my DH for almost 11 yrs now and I have never felt as though he has cheated on me. All the negativity was really getting to me, so it is good to hear a lot of people don't feel it is the norm and they are in marriages that have not had any adultery on either side. Sometimes I feel like a lot of my family members want to see my marriage fail. Even though, cheating is very common in my famiy, I don't want it in my household. |
| Posted by: DVFlyer Apr 15 2008, 09:20 AM | ||
That's some seriously messed up logic right there.  Why would you think they want your marriage to fail? |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 15 2008, 10:11 AM | ||
| IMO, FWIW....the marriage is typically over before the cheating begins. And an affair is so much more complicated than just the sex. There are different kinds of affairs, emotional being one of them, which I find much more dangerous than a sexual affair. Marriage is hard and it takes work. When there are 2 people not constantly working at it, normally one person will try to get their needs met elsewhere. Men usually go for the sexual affair and women usually go for the emotional affair. Marriages can overcome both types of affairs. I find the men are usually more forgiving in these circumstances than women. Women tend to be more emotional and can't accept that it can be purely physical. That's why I think an emotional affair is more dangerous...it's harder to let go of. But, I don't agree that most people are out there looking to cheat. I actually think it's quite the opposite. You'd think I'm speaking from experience here. I'm not.
Well, if you think about it, all of our favorite TV shows are centered around adultery. They glamourize it. It's destructive and no matter how you look at it, it can NEVER be a good thing. |
| Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 15 2008, 10:42 AM | ||||
My mom has told me that all men cheat and not to be surprised when it happens to me. She has said that if a man can cheat on someone as beautiful as Halle Berry then my marriage is not safe. Other women in my family tell me that love does not last forever and to be prepared for when DH leaves me. I made that comment because I only have one woman in my family I can talk to about marriage and not get negative feedback that it is only a matter of time before DH cheats or beats on me because that is all they have had done to them. So sometimes it just feels like they can't wait for my marriage to fail like theirs have. |
| Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 15 2008, 10:45 AM |
| FWIW - I don't have a very good family support system and I think that is why I reach out a lot here on personal issues because I don't know where to turn. |
| Posted by: Boo&BugsMom Apr 15 2008, 10:59 AM | ||
 We have a marriage built on our faith with Christ, and I wouldn't have it any other way. When we met, Troy and I both told each other that we don't believe in divorce so I guess we are stuck with each other. I don't think it's "the norm", but it does irritate me when people don't take their marriage seriously...like's it's just disposable. I don't think men cheat more than woman though. People fall from grace, period. It's just our job to stay away from those temptations. I never really had any "perfect" role-model marriages around me, but the divorce rate in my family is extremely low. Same with Troy's. It has taught us to fight for what we have with each other and not give up. Don't let your mom bring your marriage down. Surround yourself with positive people who will root for your marriage, not jinx it to fail. |
| Posted by: Hillbilly Housewife Apr 15 2008, 11:01 AM |
| I think that today's society isn't taking it as seriously... because today's society is a bunch of whiny two-faced spoiled creditted-up-to-their-ears brats, and men who think they can pay off their trouble to "go away", rather than a few decades ago even, where people had morals and values that encompassed healthy relationships. Although I have to admit, if I was a rich man in a powerful position, and I had such a wife, I would likely look elsewhere to have some companionship, rather than listening to her nag at me while spending my money on frivolous clothing, manicures and 40K purses, tennis bracelets and spa days all the time. Because I can't stand a flake. Which is typically what the wives of these powerful men we keep hearing about in the news, are. As for the women who cheat... they're likely to feel neglected. I've never heard of a woman well taken care of, emotionally, who has cheated. Sure, our grandparents may have "settled" for the person they were with... and sure, some were unhappy, some were miserable, some were happy... but they all sucked it up and did the "right thing", ebcause it was the "right thing" to do. They made a commitment and they stuck by it. Today, people changes spouses like they change underwear, and it's sickening, they realize they don't have to "settle", and instead of making the best of what they have, their greed induces them to pursue the never-ending greener pasture. having been on both sides of the fence, it's easy for ME to say how I feel about it, because I've bene there... but for someone who hasn't, don't you DARE presume it makes either spouse involved a "person with no morals" or a bad person.  For what it's worth - sh&t happens, and you can only hope it doesn't stink too much. |
| Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 15 2008, 11:04 AM |
| God has definitely been the glue that is holding our marriage together. Thankfully, DH was raised in a strong faith household and divorce is not an option. I have always felt that way, even though my family lives differently. I just really need some reassurance because I have been around so much negativity on the subject lately. I'm thinking of going to talk to my FIL when my daughter gets home from school about my marriage and concerns with my husband. My dad died a few years ago and I really don't have any male role models I can turn to on the subject. My FIL may be the only one I can turn to, I just really need to get past some of my insecurities that have surfaced lately. God has really been dealing with me lately in my marriage and I am so thankful for that. |
| Posted by: lisar Apr 15 2008, 11:04 AM |
| Just to add me and my dh have an agreement. If once of wanted to cheat then we would divorce before we done it. Cause we know once we would want to then the marriage is over. (I forget who already said that in here though) Has it ever crossed my mind kindof not to where I would go and do it but just fantasize yes I have fantasized about it I am not gona lie. I am sure my dh has thought about it also but he has never acted on it. I know that 100%. I know where he is and what he is doing 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Not that I am like that to where I HAVE to know but he tells me. I dont ask. |
| Posted by: Boo&BugsMom Apr 15 2008, 11:06 AM | ||
 |
| Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 15 2008, 11:09 AM |
| DH and I have talked about it too and agreed to end in divorce before cheating. He has come out and said if he cheated on me and I took him back that he would definitely do it again because I let him get by with it the first time. It is very sad that marriage is not taken seriously anymore. I can only hope I can teach my children to value marriage and their spouse. Thanks again for everyone's reassurance and opinions. I truly appreciate it. |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 15 2008, 11:26 AM | ||
I agree with this. Just b/c someone makes a mistake doesn't make them a bad person. We are all human. |
| Posted by: DVFlyer Apr 15 2008, 11:34 AM | ||||||
Aimee has it nailed for sure! I'm sorry to hear your family talks to you like that. It's too bad they are dumping their bad experiences on you and trying to control you life like that. If they really cared about you, they would only wish the best for you. While anything is possible, just because it happens to them doesn't mean it will happen to you.... unless you go through your life worrying about it. This will cause you to act as if it's "only a matter of time", which just leads to a downward spiral. You can't control what someone does. All you can do is control what YOU do. If that isn't enough for the other person, and they cheat, then it's their problem. Don't try to take ownership of someone else's actions. /sigmund fraud. Oh, regarding Halle Berry..... Here is my quote for the day. "Show me any hot girl or guy and I will show you someone who is tired of having sex with them." A relationship is more then just the sex, but let's face it, some people were not built to be in a relationship no matter how hard the other person tries. |
| Posted by: PrairieMom Apr 15 2008, 11:45 AM | ||
9 years and going strong. Actually, we have been together nearly 11, and have been 100% faithful to each other since day one. |
| Posted by: Teesa®© Apr 15 2008, 11:56 AM | ||
You know what I think? I think they're all just jealous of the relationship that you have and want it for their own. People only put down other people out of jealousy and to make themselves look good. Only some serious therapy is gonna make any of them look good and I'm not even sure of that, lol. Listen to their "advice/rantings", nod your head and smile and let it go right out of your head again. You know now that it's not your insecurities, it's THEIRS. All the negativity is bringing you, and your marriage, down. ITA agree with whomever said that they're trying to make you take ownership for their failures. It's like they're not mature enough to figure out it's THEIR problem, not YOURS. |
| Posted by: luvbug00 Apr 15 2008, 12:24 PM |
| I know pleanty of unfaithful woman, myself included. ( not now though) There are ways to be in a faithful long marraige. But I haven't entered the wonderful wedded world yet. For good reason. my past relationships stunk on an emotional and understanding level. The one i have now has it's bumps but no matter how hard it's getting i have no desire to cheat. I can't say i felt the same way in the past, if you and the other person are meeting eachothers needs and making an effort to listen, learn and understand I don't see why one would want to cheat. My cheating was from neglect, insecurity and not having mutural respect for the other person. |
| Posted by: redchief Apr 15 2008, 05:03 PM | ||
I must assume that since I was among the first to question the cheater's general moral standing that I'm a target of this statement. If not, cool - if so, I've been in business for more than thirty years and I say right now that there is a correlation between a person's private and public behavior. Don't anyone dare tell me how to perceive anything. I see what I see and perceive what my experience tells me to. Frankly, I don't really care what anyone else thinks of my perceptions. |
| Posted by: kimberley Apr 15 2008, 05:10 PM |
i think when someone makes a committment like marriage, they should understand what that actually means before making the promise. a lot don't... hence the adultery. but i do believe two people who truly are committed can have a completely faithful marriage even though, i too, have been plagued with jaded female role models  .i am in my first marriage and have never cheated. |
| Posted by: luvmykids Apr 15 2008, 05:41 PM | ||
My opinion is based on people I know IRL who have cheated....I shouldn't have been suprised because they were flaky at best in honoring other committments and responsibilities, why should I think they'd honor one that big? It wasn't directed at you , and it wasn't a generalization, it is my opinion based on people I know. |
| Posted by: Hillbilly Housewife Apr 15 2008, 06:20 PM | ||||
No, wasn't directed at anyone in particular... i'm just tired of being grouped into a category, and I'm tired of being told my husband sucks. Not ALL men & women who cheat are without morals, some happen to have very strong ones. Someone who hasn't gone through it, on either side, can't possibly presume to know the thoughts and the feelings involved, and can only assume, based on perceptions from the surrounding "offenders"...and those assumptions do not group EVERYONE in that category, you know? It's not fair to those in that situation. I.e., me.  Ed you can have the perceptions you want, obviously... but don't tell me I'm without morals. |
| Posted by: Boo&BugsMom Apr 15 2008, 06:44 PM | ||
ITA!!!! People are jealous, esp. if you come from a family whose marriages are not all that grand. Instead of working on their own, it's easier for them to tear apart others. Don't let them do it. |
| Posted by: mom21kid2dogs Apr 16 2008, 03:46 AM |
| We'll be married 25 years in November and neither one of us cheated ever. IRL, I only know of a few cases where it happened, including one of my siblings. It certainly is much more far reaching than the people involved~that's for sure. I really don't put alot of stock in the media and their misplaced emphasis on stuff much, though. I heard a statistic on NPR that blew me away and confirmed my view of their misplaced paranoia. Do you know how many US children were abducted by total strangers in 2006? 50~my mouth dropped to the floor. It's all we ever hear about. The media doesn't seem to ground itself in reality but they are well aware sex sells! |
| Posted by: abunky Apr 16 2008, 05:30 AM |
| well my last marrage ended because of adultry......but i guess those reasons are because he fell out of love with me...but i guess if you love someone truely and give your every bit to them adultry wouldnt even cross anyones mind, i think some times people dont take marrage seriously anymore, they never seem to want to work at it, like its sappose to come easy |
| Posted by: coasterqueen Apr 16 2008, 05:34 AM |
| Rocky, I think you have a point there. I think people get grouped into categories that are unfair - and not just in the case of adultery. I think it's fine to have opinions, but who are we to judge anyone? We aren't in their shoes. I find it odd how people judge others so much. |
| Posted by: lisar Apr 16 2008, 05:49 AM | ||
I dont know if anything I said was hurtful to anyone but if it was I didnt mean it that way. I have been cheated on before and caught them in the act. Needless to say she didnt leave without getting her *butt* kicked. And I took him back and forgave him. (not my dh though) I dont judge people like that. |
| Posted by: DVFlyer Apr 16 2008, 09:12 AM | ||
Why would you kick her butt? He cheated on you. |
| Posted by: Boo&BugsMom Apr 16 2008, 09:27 AM | ||||
When a woman knows a man is married, then she is just as guilty as he is and is nothing but a homewrecker! She deserves her butt kicked as well. Actually, sometimes I am even more upset at the homewreckers than I am the spouse. |
| Posted by: Boo&BugsMom Apr 16 2008, 09:30 AM | ||
I don't think I truly 100% believe this. In some marriages yes, but not all or a lot. We have two friends who are married. He cheated on her. He truly 100% feels guilty...even got up in front of the church and told EVERYONE in the congregation about it because he felt SO guilty (now that takes guts). They are working on their marriage and I can honestly say they are totally in love. I think a lot of times people mistake lusting someone else for falling out of love with their spouse. |
| Posted by: HuskerMom Apr 16 2008, 09:44 AM | ||||||
I agree. I think it's sad how cheating has become so common. Dh and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. I've always been faithful and won't ever cheat and I trust that Dh has been and will be faithful too otherwise we wouldn't have gotten married. |
| Posted by: DVFlyer Apr 16 2008, 10:02 AM |
| I find it odd that there are supporters of the girl getting beaten but yet no one objected to the man being taken back. How is it that the man is forgiven (in this case) but the woman's treatment is taken to the opposite extreme? |
| Posted by: Boys r us Apr 16 2008, 10:16 AM |
Because love is blind DV..lol..don't ya know that! The woman deserves to get her beating b/c the wife/so isn't in love with her..so naturally she must have seduced her husband into the situation!  hoping that you note the sarcasm.. |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 16 2008, 10:23 AM | ||
Must be the reason. Women who cheat are just persuasive homewreckers, I guess. I mean, she probably had to tie a noose around his neck to get him to take her to bed, ya think? I think a lot of times it's even the other spouse's fault...the one who was cheated on. They just don't usually take the blame b/c they are the victim. That's just my personal observation, of course. |
| Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 16 2008, 10:35 AM | ||
See me personally, I could never take my husband back once he cheated on me. Sex is supposed to be an intimate thing between the two of us, it is not something that we are supposed to share with other people. I would go after the girl only if she knew he was married and I would be completely done with him, no matter how much I love him. He would have destroyed something that was supposed to be only between the two of us. Also, I've been doing a lot of reading about it being a physical thing for a man. In my personal opinion, I don't think it means he does not have morals, but it does show he does not respect the union of a man and a wife in something that God created for just the two of them. I wish I could find the right words of what I am trying to say...... |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 16 2008, 10:41 AM | ||||
DITTO!!!! I honestly don't think I could ever let him in my bed again with all the thoughts that would be running thru my head. But, I would definitely be willing to explore the reasons why he strayed and I would find it in myself to forgive him for my sake. I think a lot of times men who cheat are viewed to be sex crazed jerks when a lot of times it's a deeper rooted issue. Same goes for women who cheat. |
| Posted by: Boys r us Apr 16 2008, 10:41 AM |
| I couldn't agree more Aimee...a lot of the cheating I have seen has been a direct effect of the cheating mate feeling neglected physically or emotionally in some manner. Doesn't make it right..if that person isn't happy, they should end the present relationship before beginning a new one. But I also realize that people are human and aren't always using logic when dealing with love and lust. However, I must say that I think most people will agree that as a whole, the acceptibility of cheating is not widely mainstream. It is depicted in most people's minds an immoral and wrong. I also believe most people tie one aspect of someone's life to another, without setting out to judge. We all do it! If I know that the lady down the street has been to jail for theft, when she starts her new housekeeping business, I'm not going to hire her! That is allowing her personal life to cast shadows on her business life. But that's life..I'm going to draw conclusions about her in general by the details I know of her. The same way if someone cheats on their spouse, the person that they willingly pledged monogomy to, then I think it is reasonable to think that this person may not place much value in the promises that they have made...after all, if they do wrong by their blood, their family...what cause would I have to believe they would treat strangers in business any differently? I do think that they go hand in hand..and of course..as with anything else...there are always exceptions. |
| Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 16 2008, 10:51 AM |
| I was just thinking and what really confuses me is why is any man or woman willing to risk losing their family for sex? Where is the reward in that? I mean, is sex really worth losing your family??? |
| Posted by: Boys r us Apr 16 2008, 10:54 AM |
| Not for me! but I presume there isn't a lot of thinking going on when making these poor decisions! I can only presume that the ones who do consider the risks of being caught either think that either they're slick enough to not get caught or that it's a risk they're willing to take, i.e. they may feel their marriage is already over and don't have the follow thru to end it..maybe they're hoping to get caught and then there may be those that think or know that even if they do get caught that their spouse won't do anything about it! |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 16 2008, 10:58 AM | ||
That's the point you're missing...it's not about the sex a lot of times. You can love more than one person and I do think that people who have affairs actually fall in love with someone else. They allow it and that's where the problem comes in. Naturally, when you love someone sex is just the confirmation. This is why I said that emotional affairs are far more dangerous than the one night stand. I don't want my husband falling in love with another woman, nor do I want him sleeping with another woman. I want to make sure he stays in love with me and I with him. You can't allow yourself to get close to a person of the opposite sex. Especially when your marriage isn't strong. I'm not saying you can't have male friends, but you should definitely keep that in check at all times and never cross the line with being alone or talking to them about things you should be talking to your spouse about. |
| Posted by: DVFlyer Apr 16 2008, 11:21 AM |
| Great dialog... and yes, Nichole and Aimee.. I got the sarcasm. Lack of self-control comes in all shapes and sizes. People who try to quit smoking and who keep going back, dieters who can't stop eating, people not being faithful, people stealing- these are all examples of lack of self-control. Some are chemical issues, some are hormonal issues, but it always comes down to a lack of self-control. If you think about it from the very simplest of terms, NOT smoking is easier than smoking.... as long as you can control yourself. The bigger issue is really "why" one gives in to that temptation, but that is probably a topic for another thread as it delves much deeper into psyche. The temptations are always going to be there. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see women every day that I didn't think "oooh... she's hot". But did I go up to them and start talking to them? I have been going to the gym more so I've been eating better. Does that mean I don't want my bottle of Yoo-Hoo and a package of Ho-Ho's? Hell no!!! But I don't. Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts ALWAYS know they could easily get hooked again. That is one thing that keeps them from going back... because they will get out of hand and fall back into the same pit. Cheaters are the same. They know it's wrong, but don't have the self control to say, "I made a commitment to be faithful so I'm not going to cheat". Of course a side issue is that it's easier to cheat than it is to break up the relationship/ family.... for them. There should be a license to get married with a $1,000,000 fine if you get divorced. Maybe that would make people take it more serious. Boy... glad I don't ramble... my posts would get out of hand.  |
| Posted by: Teesa®© Apr 16 2008, 11:46 AM | ||
So you think I should get fined a million dollars because my ex abused me and my baby and I filed for divorce?!?! There wasn't even any cheating going on. Apparently I should have "put up and shut up". |
| Posted by: lisar Apr 16 2008, 11:50 AM | ||||
Cause she knew about me. If she didnt know about then that would be diffrent. But she DID know. I knew who she was. If she knew nothing about me then I wouldnt have said a word to her. |
| Posted by: lisar Apr 16 2008, 11:52 AM | ||||||
Ditto. And me and him were never married thankfully. |
| Posted by: Boys r us Apr 16 2008, 12:12 PM |
| Lisa, I think DV was just asking why you forgave him but wanted to beat her up...as if it was her alone that did this! |
| Posted by: abunky Apr 16 2008, 12:39 PM |
| well i dont want to say this with out upsetting anyone , but IMO and from personal experience cheaters are cheaters if they do it once there gona do it again , well thats how it was done to me i forgave him ,he thought of ghee shes a sucker so i can just keep doing it and get away with it , well the second time was the last straw that broke the camels back ,i booted his tooshie out ! , as for the women who fool around with married men , how do i say this ,well they deserve an butt kicking for being stupid and crossing a boundry you do not cross but i guess homewreakers dont have morals , now i'm not saying i let my x hubby off the hook easily oh heck no he got his ! |
| Posted by: TrulyBlessed Apr 16 2008, 12:42 PM | ||||
I understand completely what you are saying and that makes a lot of sense. Honestly, one thing I have realized lately that had my husband cheated on me in the last year it wouldn't have totally been his fault because I had been pushing him away and not even realizing it. |
| Posted by: DVFlyer Apr 16 2008, 01:21 PM | ||
Not sure how you would have gotten that idea from what I wrote......... |
| Posted by: DVFlyer Apr 16 2008, 01:21 PM | ||
Yup.... kick both their butts if you're gonna do it. Two-fer-one. |
| Posted by: luvmykids Apr 16 2008, 02:55 PM |
| I agree very strongly with what Aimee said about keeping friendships with the opposite sex in check...I have a guy friend that is truly just a friend but it actually took work to keep it that way, which is why we aren't as close as we once were...that is the problem I have with adultery, when people make the choice to physically do it, often times they've had plenty of red flags that things were heading that way and done nothing about it And I also agree with Jennie when she said people confuse lust for falling out of love with their spouse. The illusion of what a relationship with someone else might be is a far cry from love. |
| Posted by: Boo&BugsMom Apr 16 2008, 06:43 PM | ||||
Nope...in that case your ex should have been fined because he didn't respect and love his wife that he should have. HE is the one that caused the divorce, if I'm assuming correctly. |
| Posted by: moped Apr 16 2008, 06:49 PM |
| WOW I haven't read the all replies, but personally I do not think it is normal, of course we hear about it all the time. And until I am actaully in the situation I have no idea what I would do or if I would forgive honestly.....no idea! |
| Posted by: Hillbilly Housewife Apr 16 2008, 07:20 PM |
| There's two sides to every story, and I'd be hard pressed to hear from anyone who has had an affair (not including one night stands) that they were feeling 100% loved, secure, happy and safe at home with their spouse. Communication is a big key in all this... and if you don't have fantastic communication, there's no way to know 100% that your spouse IS 100% feeling loved etc... for all you know, your spouse might be feeling neglected and is missing some attention. It's easy to place the blame on the other person... because it's so much easier to shove off the responsibility to someone else. If someone who is cheated on sets aside the anger and other negative feelings, and really looks within... i'm just about 100% sure that they could find some aspect of their life they could have done differently to prevent the other for going elsewhere for the attention they were lacking. Sex is just that - sex. having sex with someone doesn't mean sharing intimacy with them. Just like sharing intimacy with someone doesn't mean that there is sex. To some, sex is the absolute sharing of intimacy... and you can have both... they go hand in hand... but they're not the same hand, heck they're a body apart and can be as far away from each other as they can be entwined together. If someone who has been cheated on can look in the mirror and can truly say that they put 100% of themselves in their marriage... took care of all their spouse's needs, emotionally, mentally, physically...always made them feel good about themselves...kept the romance and lust alive... always let the other know just how much they love them... never fought... then by all means, go ahead and place blame elsewhere. Not saying it's completely that person's fault... but honestly if everything was so hunky dory, why the cheating? great discussion, btw.  |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 16 2008, 08:10 PM | ||
I could not have said it better Rocky!!!!  ITA! (needless to say!) |
| Posted by: luvmykids Apr 16 2008, 08:26 PM |
| I know what you're saying Rocky, it takes two to make a marriage good OR bad. But I don't think blaming the person who didn't cheat is anything but a cop out...what someone else does to me (neglects me, doesn't love me, etc) does not excuse my responsibility to the committment. No matter what my husband does or does not do, it still does not give me the ok to cheat. To me that is like an abuser saying you know that makes me mad, you deserved that I smacked you. I think your point is valid, but imho it doesn't justify cheating. All marriages have their ups and downs, including mine which at times have been pure hell, but if certain things like your spouse not wanting sex enough or telling you how much they love you makes it ok to cheat then whats so wrong with it? Everyone has those lapses and dull moments and down right questions about should we stay together, is our time up, etc but I still don't buy that because one party is in a fog it's ok for the other to go somewhere else. DH and I are friends with a couple who are dealing with this right now, it all came out during our lovely vacation. He says she treats him like crap, cut him off sexually, etc etc etc so he got a girlfriend. You know what? He's right, his wife hates him and it shows. Ok, then be a big boy and handle your stuff. Leave her then. Doesn't make the infedility anything less than infidelity. I'm not judging others, and I'm not speaking from personal experience, I just don't agree that cheating can be explained away by saying "But my spouse didn't do such and such". For better or worse means even when I'm at my worst (by not contributing to the relationship in whatever way) the committment remains, and vice versa. |
| Posted by: Hillbilly Housewife Apr 17 2008, 04:31 AM | ||
I didn't say it justified the cheating, just that with all that, both people could be held accountable in some part. More or less, that the person who did the cheating felt a certain way because of their marriage situation (obviously some need wasn't met), and the person who was cheated on felt that they weren't accepted for how they were treating the other. Both are/were hurt, and without communication, they didn't realize that about each other. One took the easy way out and got what they were lacking elsewhere, and the other was betrayed because their marriage vows were ignored. But if you want to look at it that way...the person that "neglected" also ignored their vows by not cherishing, have and to hold, yadda yadda... just one is more socially unacceptable than the other. Communication is VERY important... if you feel neglected, or if you feel you are neglecting your spouse, you need to talk about it and figure out what is being neglected, and what you and spouse can do to work on that. ("you" being general.) |
| Posted by: luvmykids Apr 17 2008, 05:33 AM | ||
That's a good point, never thought of it that way. |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 17 2008, 06:43 AM |
| Monica you have a great point, but emotions aren't always black and white and people aren't always in their right mind to make right decisions regarding not getting involved. Sometimes they are in over their head before they know it and before they ever realize how they got that way. If both husband and wife held up their end of the bargain in the marriage and both gave 100%, 100% of the time and focused on meeting one another's needs then I know we would see less of this. As difficult as it is, you have to put each other first. And communication is key. I would never justify an act such as adultery. But, I certainly see how it can happen. It's unfortunate that some people feel they are at such a loss in their lives that this is their only way out. That in some marriages they've hurt each other so deeply that they have to look elsewhere for comfort and love. It breaks my heart. Probably b/c I'm still not over my husband pushing me away for 10 years b/c of his own issues. And me fighting so hard for it, begging him to give me more of himself, begging for counseling, begging him to come home more and to spend time with me. But, when we spent time together he just sat there and never said a word. I can't even begin to describe my loneliness. And I had HOPE so I never really thought about me and how miserable my life had become. It just happened so gradually that I didn't recognize it. I did start looking somewhere else for acceptance and love and I found it thousands of miles away in an old guy friend. I was my old self. I was happy and carefree. It was still wrong, I recognized it, told Scotty I was in over my head (after a nervous breakdown) and now we are happier than we've ever been. I hate that it took that. I hate that he never worked on our marriage despite my begging him, but to him, I was just "here." He took me for granted and neglected me. I think you have to understand another person's pain before you can say they set out to be a homewrecker or just want to go out and have sex with another person. That they may be so beat down and their self esteem so low And I had to understand the pain my husband was in and the reasons why he pushed me away. I love him more today than I ever have and I don't regret anything we've been through. You choose to love the person you are with. I truly believe you can love anyone, but you can also fall out of love when a person pushes you too far and betrays your trust, doesn't protect you and make you feel loved, etc. I know Scotty and I were headed there. I wasn't sure that I could go back. I didn't know if I would ever trust him and some days are still really hard. But, I knew I loved him and I felt that if I had love for him, then we have a fighting chance to make something of it. Slowly I started recognizing the person I fell in love with. I'm so grateful every single day. I also realize a lot of people aren't so lucky. Their spouse is too hurt to recognize what they did wrong and try to change. Instead they go out and have a fling of their own or just write the person off. I'm glad Scotty listened to me and saw my heart. I was so broken. "You" generalized of course. |
| Posted by: Hillbilly Housewife Apr 17 2008, 06:47 AM |
| Aimee... |
| Posted by: luvmykids Apr 17 2008, 06:53 AM |
| I'm glad you guys are back on track, Aimee And I definitely know what you're saying, and have BTDT to a degree...we all know my marriage has been pathetic at best sometimes I'll be honest and admit that I have *thought* about what it might be like to have someone else, thinking that I wasn't ready to quit my marriage but needed someone or something to get me through....but I couldn't bring myself to think any further than that for fear that I might get in over my head and knowing that someone outside of my marriage wasn't going to help the problems in my marriage. You're 100% right, that it's a choice to love someone. IMHO, it's also a choice to NOT love someone else and in order to be sure that won't happen, for me personally, I can't even open the door to that. I can absolutely understand where you were during that time, and I agree with what you've said before about an emotional affair being more dangerous than a physical one (especially for someone like me, who has far more interest in emotional intimacy than physical). I admire you for catching yourself before things got to the point of no return and I hope things just get better from here for you and Scotty eta: Probably goes without saying, but this is a generalized statement not directed at you or anyone else...I'm not questioning why you or anyone else has made choices, just elaborating And Rocky, ITA about communication...I think DH being gone so long/so far away made me realize that instead of "wondering" how happy he is or what he needs from me, I needed to ask. It's made a big difference for us. |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 17 2008, 07:00 AM | ||
Absolutely! I can tell you it's not easy trying to fall out of love with someone who has always made you feel good and trying to fall back in love with someone who has let you down for so many years. I had to put some things in perspective. I hadn't seen this person for TEN years, let alone live with them every single day for TEN years, had children with them, been through job changes, etc. So, of course it was easy to feel good when I talked to him...we had no baggage. At any rate, it only complicates things and I'm embarrassed b/c I knew better.  |
| Posted by: luvmykids Apr 17 2008, 07:05 AM | ||||
I think that is one of the saddest parts of this kind of thing, the illusion that everything will be better with someone else.....until you add in normal day to day life. Don't get me wrong, it might be But in a case like our friends who are in the thick of it, it's heartbreaking to be watching and know that they're really not going to end up with anything but same life, different person I always tell my still single girlfriend who complains about being lonely that it's still not as bad as being married and feeling lonely...that is a very deep dark place to be and it's overwhelming and confusing too You shouldn't be embarrassed, it takes a lot of strength and self discipline to stop a train like that |
| Posted by: My2Beauties Apr 17 2008, 07:06 AM | ||||
You're only human, don't feel embarrassed I'm so glad you and Scotty are doing great Aimee, that's so good to hear! My prayers are with you guys |
| Posted by: Hillbilly Housewife Apr 17 2008, 07:15 AM |
| Don't be embarassed. We all need to feel appreciated, even if it does sometimes come through by the wrong channel. |
| Posted by: DVFlyer Apr 17 2008, 08:31 AM | ||
Get a room.........  |
| Posted by: DVFlyer Apr 17 2008, 08:37 AM |
| It all comes down to personal responsibility. While I understand and agree with Rocky, if you (can we all agree that "You" is used in the generic sense ) are not being treated in a way you *want* to be treated, going off to be with someone else to get whatever it is that your relationship is lacking is a step "you" take all on your own. If you need more from your relationship, you need to go to your spouse and express your feelings and hope they will work to make those things happen for you. If not, it is time to evaluate what it is your are asking for and if your spouse is unwilling to provide those things whether or not those things are important enough to leave what you have to find what you want somewhere else. |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom Apr 17 2008, 02:21 PM |
| You're so right, Mike! There's no excuse for it no matter how you are being treated. It's either work on what you have or take a hike. When I felt that I was seeking something from someone else, I had an anxiety attack...or nervous breakdown and realized that I was headed down a path of destruction (which was very early on, btw and nothing happened between me and this other person that I wouldn't tell my husband about.) Of course Scotty realized that I wasn't okay...I was a mess! We talked, I told him everything and we were able to work on it. That's the short version. I'm just grateful he cared enough to fight for me and to protect me. I honestly thought that he would let me walk away. Now I realize how silly my thinking was and how much he's always loved me. I'm glad I didn't do something I would later come to regret. I have too many friends who have. |
| Posted by: Cece00 Apr 17 2008, 06:33 PM | ||
Even if everything ISNT hunky dory, that is not an excuse to cheat IMO. People still know right from wrong. My husband can really tick me off, but that doesnt make me go "Oh well...i'm not getting enough "whatever"/having my needs met/etc, so its not all my fault if I cheat". If my husband cheated on me because he wasnt feeling the love or whatnot, I would NOT feel like "its my fault too!" because he knew that wasnt OK. No matter how he was feeling, it wouldnt give him less fault for cheating. Its not like people "oops" & accidently cheat. They know what they are doing there. I mean frankly, if you want to cheat on your spouse b/c you are unhappy, why not just get a divorce? |