Well i just feel i need to talk before i burst! I was so hopeing to talk to Marcus tonight as I really needed to hear his voice because what he says and the sound of his voice makes me feel better all the time. BUT his sister called me and told me that he has laryngitis so he isnt able to talk, I knew he was getting sick but bad timing to lose your voice! Anyways...
You know I was really nervous on how the sleep over at the stollery would be like. Because i was scared about my reaction. I was able to handle the initial getting off the elevator onto that floor but i was still scared!Sleeping there was rough because i just could not get a good nights sleep! I kept flashing back to Jordan and everything. I even tried leaving the room and walking the halls on a different floor to see if that would help but it just made me think about my past more so i just went back to my room in hopes i would fall asleep! i did but of course a couple hours later im at square one again! the blow was when i went to wake Jenna up this morning... She started to stretch and i swear to god that she looked exactly like Jordan. it was an eeire feeling and a bad one. And to top it off I decided to listen to the radio on my walkman while trying to fall alseep last night( is that what its still called...LOL) and im not lieing when im saying this... the next song started to play and it was the dance by garth brooks. That is the song i played at Jordans funeral. Then the dj was talking after the song and then introduced the next artist and it was trisha yearwood and the song... How do i live. K guys when Jordan was in the PICU in a coma the doctors told me that one of 3 things will happen and to pretty much prepare myself, he will wake up from the coma and be the normal baby he was, or he will wake up and be severly brain damaged and have to pretty much be in a home or he will never wake up. I ran out of that room into the quiet parents room and switched on teh radio and that song played. So i shut the radio off and thought is this a cruel joke that God was playing on me. Because you know i was starting to think it was! Or was he was preparing me for entering the Stollery on teh dates Jordan was there.
So i sat here and bawled like you wouldnt believe. I was so upset i couldnt talk to marcus and then Aron called to see how jennas sleep study was. i told him it went good for her but me it was hard to be there again. and his dumb butt remark was .. well shelly it isnt suppose to be a good experience for you just jenna. Remeber Jenna is more important than how you feel! OK i was ready to jump through that phone and strangle but instead i hung up!
so if you have gine this far i thank you if not i understand! I know i do vent alot aboput Jordan but this year being a part of it in some way with jenna is bring the memories back full force! Im sorry guys! |
