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| Parenting Club Forums > Precious Angels > Don't know how to cope |
| Posted by: Mama~Love May 21 2010, 02:29 PM |
| I'm doing better than I was, but I still have a long way to go, if I ever do heal from it. I guess I don't know what to do. I'm dreading going back to work on Monday, and dealing with all of the "I'm sorry's" and "why were you gone's" from people. I'm sure everyone knows by now, as gossip is what people thrive on there. I wish some people were more caring, like my mom maybe? She called this morning, and I was hoping to get a how are you feeling or something, but nope, just telling me about her stupid calf. Like I give a cr@p. She is so insensitive. I avoid her like the plague, and don't usually anser when she calls. I just have a hard time believing I'm not pregnant anymore  . |
| Posted by: CantWait May 21 2010, 03:59 PM |
 I'm so sorry hun. The only thing I can say since no matter what nothing is going to take the pain away is that it does get better with time. Allow yourself that time to grieve. I wish your Mom of all people was a little more sensitive.  |
| Posted by: Maddie&EthansMom May 21 2010, 05:51 PM |
| My mom is so weird about things like that, too. I know that doesn't help, but there are plenty of people around you who care and can sympathize. I'm so very sorry for your pain. I would will it away for you if I could, sweetie. |
| Posted by: amymom May 21 2010, 06:27 PM |
| Oh Mollie, I am sorry your mom was insensitive. I totally can get it though, my MIL was very abrupt and plainly rude when I had my last miscarriage, so much so that I was not willing to tell her I was pregnant when we were pregnant with Mary Beth. Some people just don't get it. Anyway, allow yourself to grieve, this is a great loss and you love all your children, even though this one was with you for such a short time. My prayers and thoughts continue to be with you. Please keep coming to us for any support you need, I just wish I could do more and make the pain go away. |
| Posted by: PrairieMom May 21 2010, 06:33 PM |
| I'm so sorry Mollie. I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't. I couldn't. Allow yourself to grieve. Just take it day by day. |
| Posted by: Mama~Love May 22 2010, 03:24 AM |
| Thank you everyone. It means a lot to know you all support me . |
| Posted by: amymom May 22 2010, 04:52 AM | ||
Take care. Take each day as it comes. |
| Posted by: Our Lil' Family May 22 2010, 05:45 AM | ||
I agree, it'll just take time. Day by day you will cry less and hurt less, but you'll always remember and always love! |
| Posted by: kit_kats_mom May 22 2010, 07:15 AM |
| I'm sorry hon. Maybe your mom just doesn't know how to deal with it either. Not that she chose the correct way. A loss is a loss no matter what. You will have to go through the cycles of grief before you can reach a place where you can remember without major pain. Below is a link to a website that I found helpful after the loss of my mom. There is lots of info here on what to expect from your grief. http://www.connect.legacy.com/inspire/page/show?id=1984035%3APage%3A5114 Check out the other pages too. I hope it helps. |
| Posted by: ~Roo'sMama~ May 22 2010, 07:33 AM |
| I'm sorry Mollie! I remember the pain you're going through now. My mom was the same way. Aside from the first couple times I talked to her after my miscarriage, she never mentioned it to me again. And if I tried to bring it up she acted like she didn't want to talk about it... that was the part that hurt. I had a lot of friends that were helpful and always gave me a sympathetic ear, so I just turned to them instead, and of course here. I don't think this is something you can every really "get over"... I know I never have! But it does get better over time, and you can heal. Just let yourself grieve for as long as you need! |
| Posted by: coasterqueen May 22 2010, 05:05 PM |
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| Posted by: Sam & Abby's Mom May 22 2010, 09:01 PM |
| oh, no I'm sorry, Mollie. |
| Posted by: Mama~Love May 23 2010, 03:30 AM |
| Thank you everyone. |
| Posted by: mummy2girls May 23 2010, 01:15 PM |
| Yes losing a child in any way is hard... (((HUGS))) Its a grieving process that will take time. All people get through it differently than others. Just ignore people like your mom. Sometimes they don't know they are being insensitive:( I have heard.. they are better we they are now, you need to move on etc etc. Just deal with it on your own way and at your own pace. Maby plant a small tree or bush in your back yard in memeory of your baby. A place you can go to if you need to cry, vent, or just get through the day..... (((HUGS))) |
| Posted by: kimberley May 23 2010, 08:05 PM |
| talk it out hon, we will listen. the hardest thing for me was everyone trying to force me to "get past it". i didn't want to forget my angel baby. i didn't want to act like that baby never existed. i loved him even though he couldn't stay with me. when you feel up to it, maybe plant a tree or something in memory of your angel baby. we planted a rose bush. hugs and strength your way. |
| Posted by: Mama~Love May 24 2010, 03:21 AM |
| We have already planted a tree, and it looks lovely. I really don't want to go to work tonight, but I don't have a choice. I think yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. I know I will be today at work, with people asking questions & saying insensitive uncaring comments. |
| Posted by: Danalana May 27 2010, 07:49 PM |
| So sorry, Mollie! I never got past 5 weeks with my losses, but a loss is so traumatic. I'm praying for you and your family |
| Posted by: Insanemomof3 May 27 2010, 11:21 PM |
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| Posted by: MommyToAshley May 28 2010, 01:33 AM |
| I'm so sorry, Mollie. How are you doing today? Know that you are in our toughts and prayers. Everyone at PC is here to listen, or shed a tear or two with you. |
| Posted by: Mama~Love May 28 2010, 03:43 AM |
| I'm not doing too good. Going to work is hard; there's a girl there who's due a month after I was, and she talks about it all the time. I get so angry that my baby died, and hers is living. It's not fair! She smokes, eats crappy food, and is very insensitive to my feelings. If tonight she starts on it again, I may just lose it on her & tell her to STFU! I avoid her all I can, I don't even look at her, and forget about talking to her. It's embarrassing to be crying at work, but I can't help it. At least my supervisor is very understanding and totally wonderful. I miss my baby so much . We had such grand plans for him/her, and it was going to be so awesome. Now it's just a memory. No baby will replace this one. I feel empty and hollow, my arms are aching to hold my baby . |
| Posted by: kit_kats_mom May 28 2010, 03:51 AM |
| I'm so sorry Mollie. I can't imagine how hard it must be to see someone else (who sounds rather irresponsible and Rude IMO) being blessed with something you recently lost. I'm thinking of you every day and wishing you the best. |
| Posted by: A&A'smommy May 28 2010, 05:54 AM |
| I'm SO sorry Molie!!! |
| Posted by: moped May 28 2010, 06:24 AM |
| Mollie, I am sorry you are in so much pain. It will get easier. But I wanted to say that maybe your mom isn't mentioning it because she doesn't want to upset you, I know i am sort of like that. I don't say anything for fear of upsetting someone. I had a few miscarriages, it will get better, i promise |
| Posted by: Mama~Love May 28 2010, 08:16 AM |
| Thank you; I appreciate being able to vent my frustrations & feelings here. I don't have anyone I can talk to IRL about this, so it's especially hard to cope. Some might think I'm being too emotional, or something, but I've never lost a child before. To me, this was a real live baby, my baby, my CHILD - I saw the heart beating! And then to find out s/he died, is very traumatic, painful, and the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. My baby was real, even for a brief amount of time. |
| Posted by: amymom May 28 2010, 09:16 AM | ||
oh Mollie, It IS a very real loss. I do understand. I won't pretend to know exactly what you are feeling, but I do understand. I've been there and my SIL is there now. Please vent here anytime. It is better than holding it in. From the moment I found out I was pregnant for each of my children, I had thoughts and dreams about what it would be for them. Please allow yourself to grieve the loss of this child. It does get easier, I can tell you that, 25 years and 14 years later, but this child will always be with you. |
| Posted by: Mama~Love May 28 2010, 09:33 AM | ||||
Thank you amymom !The part I bolded is especially true for me. I bond immediately with them, as soon as I know I'm carrying a new life inside of me. That's my baby, my child, and they will be a part of me forever. I'm planning on getting a tattoo of some sort as soon as I figure out what I want. |
| Posted by: kit_kats_mom May 28 2010, 09:44 AM |
| If it didn't hurt, you wouldn't be much of a mother. It just proves what a wonderful, loving, caring person you are when it comes to your babies. Be proud that you are able and willing to feel such pain, because only then can you feel it's equal in joy. |
| Posted by: coasterqueen May 28 2010, 11:02 AM |
| ((HUGS)) Losing a baby is very very hard. No one can diminish those feelings. I am here for you Mollie, any time. |
| Posted by: Mama~Love May 29 2010, 04:56 AM |
| Thank you Cary & Karen! Yesterday was hard; I'm sure it's jsut hormones, but I was/still am very depressed, sad, and angry about stupid stuff. I spent my breaks at work just sitting in my van & crying . I don't know what was so different yesterday to make me so upset. |
| Posted by: Mama~Love May 29 2010, 06:27 AM |
| I think I found the one I want. I fell in love with this design right away, and it took my breath away. It's simple, but elegant I think. I'd have half of the ribbon in blue, and the other in pink to symbolize the awareness ribbon. I want it on my outer right calf of my leg. What do you think?? http://www.tattoojohnny.com/product/ABF-00063 |
| Posted by: kit_kats_mom May 29 2010, 07:32 AM |
I really like the form of it and the overall feel. I'd probably tweak it a bit..I'm personally not a fan of roses so I'd prefer a lily or something like that but I'm all about personalizing my tats.  another idea to customize the original design, maybe add something or color something in the sign that the baby would have been born under...for example, if s/he was going to be born under the sign of aquarious, then maybe an air element or sky color. One of my mom's most beautiful tatoos was a styilized peacock feather that curved around her breast. It was very art neuveau and started out in fire colors at the bottom (to symbolize her husbands fire sign) then the colors merged in the middle and the top was blues and greens to represent her water sign. I think the tatoo as it is is very nice, and like I said, if it moves you...then it is good.  |
| Posted by: Mama~Love Jun 3 2010, 05:02 AM |
| I'm still tossing around ideas. Hope to meet with the tattoo artist soon to discuss ideas before getting it done. I'm doing a bit better emotionally. Still hard to deal with work though. Physically, I'm still spotting, and have been for over a week now. Wish that would stop, it's getting old. I'm ready to start trying again, and I'm starting to chart again. I'm looking forward to another spring or summer baby. |
| Posted by: coasterqueen Jun 3 2010, 05:32 AM |
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| Posted by: Mama~Love Jun 3 2010, 06:43 AM |
| You know something else I just realized? Out of my group of 4 friends (5 counting me), only 1 has asked how I'm doing. I know i haven't seen them in a long time because of working, but is a quick email asking if I'm doing OK asking for too much? I get that they might not want to bother me, or not know what to say, but just a "Thinking about you" would go a long way for me. |
| Posted by: CantWait Jun 3 2010, 02:50 PM | ||
I hear ya girl...I don't know if people are just scared to ask for fear of making you upset, or if they really are that insensitive. I'm sure it's a bit of both. I encountered some real crappy statements after. Sorry they aren't thinking either way. |
| Posted by: Mama~Love Jul 22 2010, 06:08 AM |
| It's been 2 months, and I'm still a mess. I'm still so very sad, I miss my baby so much. The pain is still very real. I want to be pregnant again so I don't feel like a complete failure, and know my body isn't broken. The past few days have been extremely hard. I can barely function. I'm putting on a happy face for everyone else though, and trying to keep myself busy. If I was alone, I'd just be sitting, doing nothing by crying. I have a few tears to myself when no one is around. I feel so weird compared to everyone else. Some people think I'm nuts for having 6 kids & wanting more. To me, it feels like on the inside, I never "had" them, like I've never been pregnant before. That deep seated need to always want another probably has something to do with it. It's hard to put into words. I feel like a freak of nature sometimes. Ive always felt I never "belonged" anywhere growing up. I always felt out of place, at home, at school, everywhere. I also feel like I've wasted my life. I haven't "done" anything, I'm not good at anything, I feel like the most inept, disorganized mom in the world. Nothing I do ever goes right; it always gets messed up somehow. My life feels out of control, and I don't know how to fix it. |
| Posted by: kit_kats_mom Jul 22 2010, 08:10 AM |
| Mollie, stop what you are doing, right now and go look at those wonderful kids you have. They are proof that you are a wonderful mother and that you have done great things with your life. Do not doubt yourself or belittle your choices. We are all disorganized messes sometimes. Stop judging yourself by others standards because I guarantee you, others are suffering their own private miseries as well. Happiness is what you have, it's all around you in the loving faces of your children. And as for feeling out of place, you have made your own place. Your home, where you can be yourself, cry when you need too and laugh when you want. |
| Posted by: coasterqueen Jul 22 2010, 10:45 AM | ||
Amen, sister! Mollie, Cary is so very very right! |
| Posted by: Mama~Love Jul 22 2010, 03:53 PM |
| Thank you, I appreciate it Cary & Karen. I never thought it would be so hard. I broke down at work on break & told DH how much I was still hurting, that I never knew a miscarriage could hurt so much. He wishes he knew how to help me, but he doesn't. He did suggest therapy, and I might consider it. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about it. Is being "just" a mom good enough? My job isn't fulfilling or anything, just mindless work anyone can do. I'm only working for the money, not because I want to. I hate going to work, I miss supper & bedtime every weekday. Abby is always crying when I leave, and it breaks my heart to hear "Don't go to work Mama!" . She is so clingy, she has to sleep by me when I get home, and she's hanging on me all day long. It's so hard. |
| Posted by: amymom Jul 22 2010, 04:03 PM | ||
Go. It would be great for you. Especially if you have noone to talk to. I am glad your DH suggested it. I do know how hard it is, you need someone to bounce this off of. And hormones are funny things, post partem could be in the works here. And without a baby to show for it makes it harder. Go to therapy ASAP you will feel better. |
| Posted by: Mama~Love Jul 23 2010, 02:06 PM | ||||
I called my medical helpline, and I get the first 3 visits covered 100%. I got a list of 4 counselors in the area, and will call them Monday morning. I think it will really help going, if I can manage not to cry the whole time. |
| Posted by: Sam & Abby's Mom Aug 4 2010, 11:03 PM |
| hey, Mollie. Did you go to counseling??? Just wanted to let you know I'm here if you'd ever like to chat. I've lost 3 babies and will never truly be 'over' losing them. My first two miscarriages happened before I had any living kids. At one point, I thought I would NEVER have any children. Then I had Sammy in 2004, Abby in 2006 and my third mis in 2008. OMG, that last mis just ripped my heart out because after having Sam and Abby,,,,I *understood* even more than with the first two miscarriages exactly WHAT I was losing when I lost that last baby. Anyway, shoot me a private message if you'd ever like to chat. I hope you're hanging in there. |