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| Parenting Club Forums > Parenting Your Teenager > Need some advice. |
| Posted by: MoonMama Jun 19 2008, 12:19 AM |
Ok as most of you know my little sister lives with us during the school year. She spent a few weeks with my parents once summer started, but is now back to being with us most of the time. My parents put some kind of parental watch thing on her laptop that pretty much logs her chats and sites visited. Its been on there for over a year and there has never been an incident. She is over at a friends for the night and earlier tonight I wanted to look up a recipe online. Her laptop was on the table so I grabbed it and looked. I decided to check it and everything seemed fine at first. But then I got to reading a chat with some boy. You could tell it was their first conversation. Anyway it didn't get so sexual in content, but there was some serious flirting and his asking her if she was a "bad girl" or a "good girl" and her reply was "Oh I can be a VERY bad girl when I want to be. But I put on a very good innocent, sweet, girl next door act around most people".  WHAT? They exchanged pictures very early on in the conversations which she has been told is a big no no, he says he's 16 (same age as her). I mean this "kid" could be anyone and his pic could be a fake. She also added him to her myspace. AHHH I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I mean it wasn't horrible yet....but I don't want it to get there, or for her to get in over her head. Anyone advice please!  |
| Posted by: gr33n3y3z Jun 19 2008, 03:29 AM | ||
Just tell her she left her chat box up and you happen to see bad girl and you just read it and you also didnt like what she wrote And I agree you have to stop it before she gets in over her head And I would also take the lap top away also |
| Posted by: bawoodsmall Jun 19 2008, 05:27 AM | ||||
Good advice. I agree 100%. And imo as far as the privacy issue I will snoop to insure my childs safety. She may not be your child but she is living in your house. |
| Posted by: grapfruit Jun 19 2008, 05:52 AM |
| I wouldn't lie to her!!!!! She probably KNOWS she didn't leave the chat box up. Especially if she's talking like that!!!! I may not meantion this specific instance to her. Instead I'd "feel her out". Bring it up, remind her of the online rules. Maybe ask her if she remembers them. Explain the dangers of chatting online and exchanging pictures, how people can lie etc. She sounds like a smart kid, probably part of the problem. Explain that since she lives in your house it's YOUR job to make sure she' protected, and part of that is making sure she follows the rules you set in place. Hell, guilt her. Tell her that Brae looks up to her, and that you want to make sure she's there to see him grow up. That the honesty between you is important. Stuff like that. Remind her that if she breaks your trust, since she does live in your house you have the right, and WILL check her chats. |
| Posted by: bawoodsmall Jun 19 2008, 10:29 AM | ||
she is so gonna know she saw it. I would just be square with her. Let us know what you decide. Good luck with it. |
| Posted by: grapfruit Jun 19 2008, 11:42 AM |
| That's what I mean. I would NOT tell her she "left it up". She's going to KNOW that's a lie. And if you lie to her, why shouldn't she lie back KWIM? I wouldn't meantion at FIRST. But if she asked, then yes, I decided to check and saw that conversation. I didn't want to bring it up b/c I trust that it was a one time slip. Was it? Something like that. Whatever the course the conversation took, I wouldn't lie at all. That wouldn't help matters. |
| Posted by: gr33n3y3z Jun 19 2008, 12:20 PM | ||
either way its a bad deal bc of the trust of being looked over 24/7 and everything being type recorded so which I feel is wrong in the first place unless she did something in the past to warrent that. Its a lie of trust on both sides and a lie of finding it I wouldnt want to be in her shoes right about now. |
| Posted by: MoonMama Jun 19 2008, 04:10 PM |
Thanks everyone I appreciate the input and advice. As far as checking up on her....there was a huge issue about everyone wanting computer time and not getting it and needing to look up things online for school and such (I come from a big family  ), so it was discussed and decided that everyone (over 14) would get a laptop via my parents decision. However the agreement was that there would be some serious rules and that all their online activity would be logged and checked often. The Internet can be a scary place and my parent are trying to do what they can to protect them. So she knew it was there and that it does get checked.As far as what I'm going to do....This weekend DH will be away, and we will have some sister time, I am going to ask her point blank about it. I going to explain to her that I do remember what is was like to be that age. Talk to her about why, the dangers, trust, the rules, etc. Thanks again everyone, I'll let you know how it goes. |
| Posted by: redchief Jun 19 2008, 05:05 PM |
| Are you her guardian while she is with you? What are your parents expectations of you while she's in your care? If you are expected to be her guardian, then it stands to reason that it's your responsibility to monitor her online activities. I don't think you do any "feeling out" or try to make it seem as if you didn't do exactly as you meant to do... You made a conscious decision to see what she was doing online, regardless of your initial intentions, so be straight with her. Tell her you wanted to see what she was up to, and that you were disappointed and frightened by what you saw. Explain it to her exactly as you did us. Then take the computer away from her until you have a chance to talk with your parents about what you observed. Come to an agreement about rebuilding trust so that she can have some online time back. Make sure that the computer is always, at least for now, in a place where all of her activity can be seen at any time. Check on her often. Let her know that is your intention. She'll be upset with you, but she obviously doesn't understand the true danger to herself in what she's doing. Her safety would take a front seat to her feelings on this one if it were me. |
| Posted by: A&A'smommy Jun 19 2008, 05:10 PM |
 I have no advice just wanted to send you some support, KUP and I'm glad you are dealing with it now!! |
| Posted by: MoonMama Jun 19 2008, 06:03 PM | ||
Thanks so much Ed that is great advice and I truly appreciate it. I am her guardian while she is in my care and we all agreed the same rule and expectations were expected at both houses. And it was also made clear that while she is with me I am to be viewed as her parent as is DH. |
| Posted by: HuskerMom Jun 19 2008, 07:24 PM |
| I don't have any advice but good luck! |
| Posted by: MoonMama Jun 22 2008, 07:16 PM |
We sat down and had a LONG talk last night, we talked for hours and hours. I explained my side, she explained hers. I explained my concerns and how dangerous the Internet can be. We discussed the rules, and she does know and understand them. She seems to get it  I hope. She seemed more embarrassed then anything. She said she was really sorry and didn't know why she did it really. That she tends to feel left out among her friends (most are in relationships, sexually active, etc.). And while she knows she doesn't want to be "just" like them she does have a hard time sometimes. I can certainly understand that but it doesn't make me feel better KWIM?  She does have a boyfriend though, but there again, there is serious rules with dating. But we did come to an agreement that I will be checking her Internet use every night and that she is only aloud to use her computer in a room where everything can be seen (living room, kitchen, etc). And that her laptop is not to go in her room at all. My mom agreed with me and the new rules and said I handled it well.  So we'll see, I really hope I nipped it in the bud. |
| Posted by: gr33n3y3z Jun 23 2008, 04:18 AM |
| It sounds like you did a wonderful job dealing with it |