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Parenting Club Forums > Parenting Children 4-7 Years of Age > Need some advice

Posted by: jcc64 Mar 30 2010, 08:02 AM

Ok, moms of girls, wwyd? Corey has a school friend whose behavior is completely toxic. They've known each other since beginning kindy, and from day 1, I knew this kid was gonna be a problem. She has a particular kind of devious social intelligence--she's always been able to manipulate other kids and situations to her own diabolical ends. I hate to talk about an 8 yo kid like that, but try as I may, I can't find one nice thing to say about this kid. She invests all of her energy making sure that every kid in her social circle is beholden to her--she's hungry for power and leadership and complete dominance over everyone else. She divides and conquers the others--if she gets into a fight with one girl, she'll cozy up to Corey, courting her and giving her things and making Corey the center of her universe. Until, of course, Corey does something wrong in her eyes, and then she's the odd man out. If she doesn't get her way, she cries, and if some random passerby or aide asks her what's wrong, she tells them that Corey kicked her! She's done this type of thing to all of the girls in her little clique. Why they continue to be friends with her eludes me, except that I think she's kind of inescapable. She has an uncanny ability to sense when she's treading on thin ice, and then she backs off, pours on the charm, and seduces them all back into her lair. It's crazy to watch, I'm telling you.
I've given Corey many different strategies to deal with her. But some of my advice is in conflict with some of the school's well-meaning, but problematic policies. I told Corey that if S. is behaving in a way that makes her uncomfortable, she is to avoid playing with her and to tell her why. But the school has a policy that if a kid asks another kid to join them, the kid being approached cannot reject the request. I understand why they have the policy, but I don't want my kid being forced to be around this girl when she's being abusive (which is frequent). Corey has a lot of friends, and this girl has done everything in her power to destroy those friendships in order to claim Corey for her own. It's awful female relational aggression stuff. I plan to talk to the principal after break, but much of this stuff goes on at recess, when it's kind of difficult for adults to ascertain who is and isn't telling the truth. Anybody's dd been through this kind of thing?

Posted by: DVFlyer Mar 30 2010, 10:26 AM

QUOTE

She invests all of her energy making sure that every kid in her social circle is beholden to her--she's hungry for power and leadership and complete dominance over everyone else.

Is her last name Obama?

(Sorry, couldn't resist)

QUOTE

But the school has a policy that if a kid asks another kid to join them, the kid being approached cannot reject the request.

That's ridiculous.

If you can't keep Corey away from this girl- because of school policy- I'm not sure what you CAN do, other than make sure Corey knows this girl's behavior is not appropriate.

Posted by: coasterqueen Mar 30 2010, 10:48 AM

Wow, I'm not sure what to say either - especially if there is that RIDICULOUS school policy. I would have told Kylie the same as you did. I'd seriously talk with someone at the school about that policy, though.

The girl sounds like someone I know but there's nothing we can do because we are related to her

Posted by: luvbug00 Mar 30 2010, 10:53 AM

what kind of policy is that??? i'd say join them and then walk away.
some girls at this age are starting to play the "mean girls" role.
we have this problem too with myas friends. I just tell her if she feels put out to just walk away and join some other kids or invite other kids to do somthing.

Posted by: jcc64 Mar 30 2010, 10:53 AM

QUOTE

I'm not sure what you CAN do, other than make sure Corey knows this girl's behavior is not appropriate.

Believe me, I've been drilling this into her head since kindy. Unfortunately, only recently has Corey developed the capacity to question her motivations. In Corey's little head, if someone's being nice to her, then she's her friend. Up until now, she couldn't wrap her head around ulterior motives--that this girl's friendship has all sorts of hidden agendas--so I don't think she fully understood what I was telling her. I think she's finally getting it now, but is struggling with how to reconcile this info with the school's policies.

Posted by: jcc64 Mar 30 2010, 10:56 AM

And with regard to the school policy--it's in place to prevent groups of kids from excluding others from joining them. So, if child A wants to join children b, c, and d, and asks to be included, the group cannot exclude her. It's coming from a good place, but in this particular situation, it's not working.

Posted by: coasterqueen Mar 30 2010, 11:01 AM

QUOTE (jcc64 @ Mar 30 2010, 01:53 PM)

QUOTE

I'm not sure what you CAN do, other than make sure Corey knows this girl's behavior is not appropriate.

I wish I could get Kylie to understand this. She'll still thinks if someone is nice they must be her friend, even if they are mean most of the time.

Posted by: DVFlyer Mar 30 2010, 11:32 AM

QUOTE (jcc64 @ Mar 30 2010, 10:56 AM)

Ahh.. I misunderstood it.

I thought they meant if devil child A wants innocent child B to participate in the daily blood letting, then child B must participate.

But yes, if Child A would like to join a group of people playing ball or whatever, I think there should be an understanding that it should be allowed.

I can see the value in that - although I'm not sure it should be "policy".

Posted by: kimberley Mar 30 2010, 12:45 PM

tough situation. girls have it way harder than boys do. i see the drama with Jade already and she's in grade 1. i would definitely speak to the school about the child and maybe even see if any of the other parents would be willing to do the same. i am sure you are not the only one bothered by this girl's behavior. trust all you have taught Corey already. she's a smart girl and will get through this on the wiser side.

Posted by: MommyToAshley Mar 30 2010, 01:01 PM

QUOTE (jcc64 @ Mar 30 2010, 02:53 PM)

QUOTE

I'm not sure what you CAN do, other than make sure Corey knows this girl's behavior is not appropriate.

Ashley is the same way in that if someone is nice to her then she is a friend. She's come home a few times with a broken heart because the so-called friend decided to not be so nice that day. I don't know why kids are drawn to other kids like that. I think Ashley has witnessed this behavior a few too many times, she said she's friends with the girl, but I never hear about her playing with her any more.

As for the school policy, I get it now after your explanation why they have the non-exclusion rule. But, I see where it doesn't work in this case. I'm not sure that talking to the school would do any good. I would keep talking to Corey about it ...maybe ask her some open-ended questions that will let Corey come to the conclusion on her own that maybe this girl isn't someone she wants to socialize with. She can still participate in the same activity without being drawn into this girl's antics. I don't know that I would tell her to walk away, Corey shouldn't have to stop playing with her friends just because this other girl joins.

Posted by: jcc64 Mar 30 2010, 05:59 PM

Thanks all for your salient advice. It is a tough situation. Today, I read an article about a 14 yo girl who committed suicide after being the brunt of a Facebook smear campaign and mean girl behavior at school. It worries me--this girl in Corey's school is truly diabolical. I worked at the municipal summer rec program with all of these girls, and I got a real eyeful. I keep looking for some sliver of humanity in her somewhere, I mean, she's only a little girl after all, but I swear, I have yet to find any goodness in her. It's sad, it really is, b/c I can tell that she's driven by fear and desperation, and that's a stressful way to move around in life.

Posted by: mummy2girls Mar 30 2010, 07:27 PM

Oh Gosh is this girls name Emerald? I had this one girl in my dayhome that is just like this girl you explain. It baffles me how she can be that way and justr amazed how well she can go so far but know when to back away before getting into trouble, putting all the blame onto anyone around her. The mom fell for it ALL the time!!!! And Jenna liked her and would follow her suit. Which i seen to be a PROBLEM for me so i took her aside at the end of the day and told her that what she is doing is not acceptable. That she may treat other people horribly and that its not nice to be treating people this way, and to not let her treat her the way she has. To just walk away from her and tell her that she will not be her friend if she is to act this way. This girl NEEDED a reality check many times. A tatse of her own medicine and she did many times...Not much you can do if that is teh rules but just teach her that is not how you should treat people or be treated that way as well.... good luck hun!!!! its a tough situation and can be very sticky!

Posted by: coasterqueen Mar 31 2010, 05:14 AM

Ok, I understand the policy now, too. I dunno. I still feel like you can talk to someone at the school about it. I guess it depends on your school. Our school is such a small school and everyone is fairly close that I feel I could go to Kylie's teacher or the ladies who watch the kids at recess and talk to them about it. They seem to me to know more about what you could possibly do or they could at least look out for the behavior going on and try to help out.

I'm not sure if you could do this in your school or not. I am glad I could for sure. It's hard to deal with situations like that when you aren't there.

Posted by: jcc64 Mar 31 2010, 06:23 AM

I will approach the school. Luckily, I've socialized with the principal--she used to date a mutual friend, and she's been in my home. So I will give her a heads up, but I think there is a limit as to what the school can do. I know the biggest task is to teach Corey how to deal with this kid, b/c if it's not her, there will surely be someone else just like her further down the line. Girls can be so nasty--it's why I was a tomboy when I was a kid.

Posted by: coasterqueen Mar 31 2010, 06:35 AM

QUOTE (jcc64 @ Mar 31 2010, 09:23 AM)

I agree about teaching Corey. It's all we can do as parents. But hopefully your friend can give you some insight too. It never hurts, especially when they are there and can see these situations going on too.